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Well, prior to all this my sister in law had directly told me that my situation was different to her's when she got married after 2 years of courting, and a future sister in - law - to - be that is so impatient and wants to get married to my brother in law, they have been going out for 5 years. She has become manipulative and controlling of the situation forcing my brother in law to marry her.
My husband popped the question to me on the 10th year of our courting, which was riddled with problems, 2 abortions due to him not being able to commit, hiding me from his family (never met any of them prior to our engagement which happened 6 months before the marriage, his reasoning was that it was taboo in his culture) cheating with other women, where he also impregnated another after which I separated from him, telling him he had to marry the girl and be a father to her baby. Something he was not prepared to do for me twice before.
This responce by her was when I implied that this girlfriend of my brother - in - law be patient, that I had waited 10 years not even knowing whether the man would marry me or not,, on the other hand the future sister in law has been promised marriage, the whole family knows her, she attends family gatherings etc. and has basically been accepted as part of the family.
I took offence to her statement as I had seen all of my problems with my mother in law to be baseless, I concluded that she most probably liked one of my husband's ex girlfriends and had basically seen me as a woman of loose sexual morals. That I concluded that she thought that I most probably stole him from the other. My father in law asked me directly after our marriage, whether I had done an HIV test - I was so embarrased and felt so humilliated, my husband was in the room and he said nothing.
I presumed that this was due to the fact that they had never met me or heard of me up to the point where my bride price was being discussed.
You are right, it is not only things she says though, his mother meddled and was so controlling and openly showed dislike or no acknowledgement of me infront of my husband. Like we would be speaking and she would just interrupt without asking for any apology and my husband's attention would be drawn to her. Or move her sitting arrangement on the dinner table if she was placed next to me, as to be not close to me. Not greeting me, while visiting at our house.
A while back we decided to renovate our kitchen, when I learnt she was coming to visit us, I asked my husband to postpone the project until she left. He never heeded my request the project was on and my fears were realised. She basically did the kitchen the way she wanted.
While on holiday abroad she phoned some family members while we were visiting them and instructed them to talk to me as she felt that I was disrespectful, evil (that I was responsible for my parents divorce) and that I should be made aware that she is the mother - in - law. I had soken with my hostess already, telling her my problems and hoping that they could help us with our problems. So when my mother in law called she was aware of what was going on and she and her husband decided not to pass her message to us. The host only spoke with my husband. I was so disappointed as I thought that it was a perfect opportunity and that my husband would be shown by other people of what was really happening - as to him his mom was never wrong. Needless my holiday was spoilt.
I was pregnant at the time with my second child and I could not take it anymore. That was when we decided to see a psychologist. Actually he is the one that initiated it, having gone there to report how disrespectful I was towards his mom. When the psychologist saw me and got the gist of the problem and later we had a couple session and she explained to him what was happening he became so angry and decided that we would not be going back to the psychologist. My husband labeled me as hating his mom, telling lies about her and being the one with the problem. Two weeks later I went into labour and delivered at 26 weeks. Thanks to God my daughter is fine, a bit slow developmentally but fine.
My mother inlaw has recently apologised to me, when her daughter was gravely ill in hospital, telling me that she was ill and that is the reason she did the things she did, and I should forgive her and that she has now realised that I am different to the women of their culture - she had thought I was like them [I did not understand this statement]. I was so shocked by the telephone call, she stays in another country, that I just responded that I had already forgiven her. I was so hurt, I had already decided to ignore her and had put our problems behind me even going to visit and stay with her on my own - while nothing had been resolved/addressed. With the apology it made me realise that she was aware of what she was doing and did it deliberatly. This reversed my healing process and opened up my wounds and made me so angry that I could not even phone her or speak with her for a while. I informed my husband of her apology. He just kept quiet.