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mindhealer
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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Will a narcissistic parent start to pit their only grandchild

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Will a narcissistic parent start to pit their only grandchild against their only child after the adult child starts to reject their control and manipulation? In other words, to prevent or punish a child for trying to break free after a lifetime of abuse. I started to reject my mother after I found out she had received a telephone call from the ER the night I went there in my teens because I'd been molested by an uncle. She never let me know she got a call from the ER . . . she never took control . . . meanwhile, because she was so abusive I allowed this uncle to stay in my life because he seemed to be the only person on the planet that would spit on me if I was on fire. When I told my mother that a "neglectful parent" is just as guilty as the molestor, she told me, "Well, you must have liked it!"
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.
Good evening. First let me say I'm so very sorry that you've experienced such trauma and turmoil over the course of your life. As for your initial question the answer would be that it would be a distinct possibility that your mother may try to pit your daughter against you given what you've identified of her personality. It would be helpful to know further details in order to answer your question more thoroughly and completely. Such as if your mother has said anything to your daughter yet, your daughter's age and any other interactions your mother may have had with your daughter. Finally, what is your daughter's relationship with your mother? This information will be helpful in providing a complete answer for you. I look forward to your reply. I thank you for the opportunity to help you.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you very much for your acknowledgement of my pain. Some people don't seem to be able to comprehend that mothers that are virtually predators really exist, and it irritates me. The grandchild in question is male . . . which adds to his desirability as far as a companion/protector for my aging mother, who buried her second husband about 2 1/2 years ago and, I suspect, is looking for a companion who will accompany her to colonoscopies, provide a deterrent to being a victim of crime as an elderly (66) woman living alone. What makes my child easily manipulated is gifted/disabled (125 verbal IQ at age 9, he is now 19 and attending college classes part-time). His disability stems from physical bullying in school in junior high, an intravenous overdose of ativan to stop a seizure by the physician in the epilepsy unit at age 13, his grandmother's abuse of both me and him becoming apparent to him at the same age . . . 13. He was thirteen when I broke my leg rollerblading in the park with him (tibial plateau fracture that resulted in compartment syndrome and subsequent surgery), and we were not able to come home to our second floor apartment because I couldn't manage the stairs after my release from the hospital. We were forced to go to my mother's. She showed overt hostility over having to either cook or go to McDonald's for us, though I'd given her $500 up front to cover costs. She refused to take me to the bathroom in the wheelchair, so my son had to do it. The hospital had given me a dirty cathether during a test and I had a bladder infection and the need to "go" quite often throughout the day and night, and she refused to help. After my son started to get exhausted and sleep deprived, she agreed on night to come downstairs and get me to the bathroom during the night so that my son could sleep. I was in incredible pain, and he was exhausted. We called, and called, when I needed to go. When she finally showed up on the stairs, she said she'd taken some medication, in spite of knowing that she'd agreed to help. By that time I was soaked. She refused to help me wash the urine off, and eventually my son started to have seizures (sleep deprivation may have been the cause, because he's not epileptic). My mother accused my son of faking the seizures, and eventually told us to leave her house. When we ignored her, she said, "Don't let me have to call the police!" In the wake of all this, my son has a very low tolerance for stress, a short attention span, and memory problems. He was said to be oppositional by the neuropsychologist, and my have aspergers syndrome. When I speak about her pitting him against me, I mean a systematic brainwashing or poisoning against me as she aged so as to turn him into a companion/protector for her. I was accustomed to allowing him to go to her house to cool off when we had conflict, which was throughout his teens. When he turned eighteen, she just let him stay. When I refused to accompany her to a colonoscopy after some of her verbal abuse, she forced him to go and sit for three hours by saying that if he didn't she'd put him out. She doesn't want him seeing a psychologist, doesn't want to accommodate his disabilities at all. I have to do everything for him, take him to the psychologist, fight with her about his care (he has eczema, and must have only dove sensitive soap). When I noticed eczema almost up to his elbows, I told her that he's too inattentive to "choose" the right soap, there must only be dove in the bathroom, and that he'd been using dial and had eczema as a result, she initially refused to remove it from the bathroom. She did something similar with the husband that died 2 1/2 years ago. He had end stage dementia, had fallen straight down the flight of stairs from the first to the second floor, and she refused to put up a gate to protect him. She also refused to wash his genital area, in spite of the fact that he had a catheter in his bladder . . . mainly because she didn't want to take him to the bathroom during the night and he couldn't manage on his own because the part of his brain controlling balance was almost gone. He couldn't transfer himself from a chair near the bed to the bed without falling. He eventually got blood poisoning from the catheter, they kept yelling that he was "septic" at the ER, and a nurse said to my mother, "You could have at least done his pericare!" Now, I would like to help my son to independence, but my mother's undermining has resulted in him being very hostile toward me. By undermining I mean saying that I'm unfair for limiting his use of the video game I bought him, she'll say things like, "Why did you buy it if you weren't going to let him play with it!!!!!!" "You're not fair with him!!!!!" She has undermined every effort I've made to set boundaries for him through the years, and now he thinks he's in paradise at her house with no rules. But she's admitted to me that she plans to sell the condo, and get an apartment. There will be no room for him and I fear, he may be too obnoxious and hostile for me to let him back in my house by the time she gets through with him. Then, again, she may be after his disability check, which I currentlty manage. I need help BIGTIME. If she abandons him after ruining him, and he ends up on the streets, it'll ruin my life, and somehow strangely enough, that strikes me as something she might want, since I was an unplanned pregnancy for her at the age of 16, during the pregnancy, my father married his other girlfriend (who was also pregnant), and I came into the world looking just like him. She hates my father, and consciously or unconsciously hates me, yet the fact that she has no other children and is aging, makes her refuse to let go. Holding onto my son seems to be a way of ensuring that I will be around for her needs, and should I refuse, destroying him (encouraging him to quit school and take a job at McDonald's, etc.) is a way of finally destroying me.
Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.

Good evening. Thank you for your detailed reply. My suggestion would be to ensure that you communicate to your son the events that are taking place as well as your thoughts concerning your mother's manipulative nature. Though I would strongly urge you to do explain this in such a manner that is not hostile or vindictive. Merely point out to him, objectively the events that have taken place in order to help him open his eyes to her behavior. The reason I suggest you handling it this way is to ensure an open and honest relationship between you and your son. If he observes you "bad mouthing" your own mother to him then he will begin to harbor thoughts of resentment and likely blame you thereby going to her aide.

 

It certainly sounds as though your mother harbors hostility toward you possibly related to your father though I am merely going be what you've identified. Though it is a plausible thought. You certainly possess the insight and understanding as to how to manage yourself and your mother. Likely the most effective approach to her would be to not allow her to engage you in any confrontations and if she does then I strongly urge you to walk away from her and not give her the benefit of her "pushing your buttons" and/or aggravating you. Don't give her the benefit of getting to you. My belief is that once your son witnesses your not allowing her to get to you he will recognize your mother's immaturity and your mature manner of handling situations. Please let me know if this helps to answer your question. Also please let me know if you have any further questions or thoughts as to how I could help.

 

If you feel I've answered your question completely and thoroughly then I would sincerely XXXXX XXXXX clicking the ACCEPT button thereby giving me credit for your answer. I look forward to your response and wish you a Happy New Year!!

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
This is the issue. Considering her behavior of ignoring needs, mine, my son's, her husband's, as well as capacity for cruel abuse when it suits her means, does this not indicate abnormality in her? Does she or does she not exhibit behavior similar to a narcissisist? I've read that the condition is rare, but that in the case of child neglect or abuse it is possible. My mother had no mother (her mother died six months after her birth), and her father passed her and her brother off until she was about five, then when she was about 12, he had a stroke and the passing around to relatives resumed, and she ended up pregnant with me. I need to know if the repeated callous behavior toward those near her, competing with me over my own son, etc., is due to this personality disorder. I've been coping with her all my life. What I want to know is why she's so abusive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't hurry with my answer.
Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.

Good morning. As for your mother's behavior she presents more along the lines of passive=aggressive personality traits as well as bordering on sociopathic behavior. She definitely has narcissistic traits though I feel the above describes her better characterologically.

 

I would actually agree with you with regards XXXXX XXXXX calloused and rude behavior is certainly due to a personality disorder brought on by her history. Thought having said that, regardless of the disorder, it should certainly not be an excuse for her behavior and aggressiveness though it likely is. It's also likely that she is abusive due to what I mentioned earlier concerning the pregnancy and possessing an unconscious resentment and anger she may or may not be aware of.

 

The difficulty here is that even if you present to her with Objective date (i.e. DSM criteria outlining the disorders) she will likely never admit to having anything wrong with her and thereby maintain the abuse.

 

Mu suggestion remains the same as my previous reply. Please let me know if you have any further thoughts or questions as I want to ensure that you have all your questions answered completely and thoroughly.

 

If you feel I've answered your question completely and thoroughly then I would sincerely XXXXX XXXXX clicking the ACCEPT button thereby giving me credit for your answer. I look forward to your response.

 

 

mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience: Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
mindhealer and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.
Good morning. I wanted to ask if you had any further questions or if I've answered your question completely and thoroughly. If so I would sincerely XXXXX XXXXX clicking the ACCEPT button thereby giving me credit for your answer. I truly appreciate your time and hope this finds you well.

Fadi

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