Hi, How can I help you?
have you seen my previous question, and are you familliar with my concern? or shall i start from scratch
Just a second...
I can't seem to access your previous questions, sorry...please start from scratch
?ok, not to worry. ok..
I have just come out of a 5 year relationship because I have entered a very bad depression. This depression is, rather embarassingly, a repeat of a 6 month depressive period I had at the start of our relationship.
i met this girl when i was just 20. we were both young an naive and she was the first girl I had really done anything physical wiith. I was perhaps a little over confident and believed i had the "upper hand" as such in our relationship. However, I asked her about her past and was shocked to hear she had had 10ish 1 night stands in her 1st year at university. She is such a sweet and seemingly innocent girl, this was a real shock and as I was falling in love with her, sent me into a depression.l
I knew she wasnt a virgin, but to find out how "easy" she had been really shocked me. After endless questioning and rumination, i realised she hadnt been a slag etc but had only ever wanteda boyfriend. She had been to boarding school and i believe was bullied a bit. She also had an eating disorder through school. She arrived at university very young and naive.
She didnt even kiss a guy until university, aged 19, and for the following year until we got together, she was taken advantage of i believe.
unfortunately i heard a line by a guy I knew of "my flatmate fu**ed her" as he didnt know she was my girlfriend.
Anyway, I reasoned in my mind that she had acted such a way because of her naivety. And not because she was a slag etc. And i cheered myself up by realising that everyone has a past, and that if she had had a few serious boyfriends like everyone else, that would bother me more because the phsical connection between a pair in love is so much more than a pair in not. So I was glad I was her first real boyfriend and that she had never had passion before etc..
so a few years went by, we had a long distance relationship for the last 3 years and out of nowhere, I began losing my perspective on the world. I began losing my oppinions on marriage, women, love etc and began questioning my girlfriend again. I thought "i cant marry someone after hearng "my flatmat ..." etc"
this has driven me insane, and realising this, she has left me.
so my question is really.. what the hell is going on? what have I done?
So you told her how much it bothered you about her past sexual experiences...and that's why she left you?
I am truely devastated and wonder what is next in life... im heartbroken and in pieces. I dont feel like I have done this but my depression has
well she knew I was having doubts and she said after 5 years this isnt where we should be
Can you explain a little more about that last sentence...what specifically does "this isnt where we should be" refer to? What is the "this"? Is it exclusively referring to your doubts?
i thikn she meant after 5 years, a boyfriend shouldnt be obsessing about her previous sexual ecperiences
and getting insecure, needing reassuarance etc
Ok...here are some thoughts. First of all, everyone is entitled to their own needs & desires in a relationship. So the 1st question is it absolutely vital that the woman you date and marry (I'm assuming you want to get married some day) be a virgin? Is that a condition or your faith/religion? Or is it just your preference...
If it's a preference, but not mandatory, I think you should see a live psychotherapist. Jealousy is normal in relationships...but if it's excessive, it needs to be addressed. There are some good self-help books about jealousy. However, I don't think there is any replacement for good psychotherapy.
This is a treatment which allows you to explore your own psyche...there may be some issues from your past which make your jealousy overwhelming...which could have been why you couldn't stop obsessing about her past sexual experiences.
If this last women was a good girlfriend in other ways (loving, honest, loyal, etc), I understand why she couldn't handle your insecurity. But perhaps if you work on this issue to improve it, the relationship could be salvaged. Even if not, I think you need to work on this issue to prevent it from affecting future relationships. Any thoughts or response to what I've said so far?
Its not a necessity at all for a future wife to be a virgin. However, I definately do not like promiscuity on women..
I know this is perhaps the madonna/whore theory, but it was just a shock to hear how my gf behaved previously.
I agree...but it's good not to generalize...in other words, people can be promiscous for different reasons...
Because we were physical far to soon.. she showed me attention and it went from there... We didnt know any better...
And sometimes it's a stage of life that people luckily grow out of...
SO i feel like our relationship was born out of the very thing that I have a dislike of
So maybe some of your insecurity about her was really dislike of yourself for letting the relationship get too physical too quickly. It's easier to be upset with someone else than acknowledge the things you dislike about yourself...this is called displacement (of emotions) or projection...
Does that make sense?
yeh, i think your right. If id stopped to think for 2 seconds instead of "tring to be a lad etc" id have taken her out on dates, treated her well etc... but i just kindof went along with what was happening..
Also, here are some book titles: Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness by Paul A. Hauck; Life Without Jealousy: A Practical Guide by Lynda Bevan
Look, that's understandable. It's hard to resist the physical part of relationships early on...esp since we're somewhat brainwashed as men to "shag any women in sight."
Also, as a psychiatrist, I have had my own psychotherapy as part of training...and I truly believe it works great. It's no substitute for chats like this. I usually tell people to go weekly for a minimum of 6-12 months. This may seem like a long time, but emotinal issues are deep rooted & often stem from childhood, so it takes time to explore them and grow psychologically. A good analogy is that therapy is like a sculptor...you start with an unformed rock, but over time as you chip away it becomes a beautiful sculpture.
I hope this is helpful...is there other questions I can help with?
ok thats great, thanks.
So in all honesty. Is there any reason why I couldnt marry this girl etc..? i mean, i know I have a very analytical MBTI - INTP kind of brain and I have gotg myself into knots about this
I'm not sure what you mean by MBTI-INTP. I don't know enough about the girl to say you should marry her. I think the basic premises of relationships must apply to her (loving, affectionate, respectful, loyal, etc.). If so, and she can be patient with you working on your jealousy issue, then she would be a marriage candidate.
all those things just apply. I just get a very bad reaction when thinking of her past.. i mean i really shiver a bit and detest it.. I stupidly look around and see other girls that must be "perfect" etc
There is no perfect...I think you know that. If you are a perfectionist, you should really read the book "Too Perfect." It is excellent self-help reading.
If that’s all, good luck to you & take care. Please consider the therapy idea. Feel free to come back to justanswers.com as well. And please don’t forget to hit the ACCEPT button if you’re happy with my responses.
great, thanks for your help
You're very welcome.