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Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience:  APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
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Is it wrong for me to think of strip clubs as a deal breaker

Customer Question

Is it wrong for me to think of strip clubs as a deal breaker for my boyfriend of 7 years? I found out he had gone a handful of times behind my back. I was very hurt, and we almost broke up. It damaged my trust in him and hurt my self-esteem. This was months ago. We've discussed it several times. He has shown remorse and I've forgiven him. But I just can't completely get over it. It is very burdening. We used to have a perfect, trusting relationship. Now, I feel jaded, and paranoid. What should I do?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 4 years ago.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

Hello and Welcome to JustAnswer. Your question is not closed until you are satisfied. I am happy to assist you with your question.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

No it is not wrong to think of strip clubs as a deal breaker. If he is going behind your back and you have been clear about your feelings, there has been serious damage to your relationship. You need to develop the trust you used to have with him, and he needs to participate in that process. Can you tell me why you cannot seem to get over this? Do you worry that he is still doing it behind your back?

Customer :

I'm not sure why I can't get over it. I think it's because I was sure he would never be the type of person to engage in that type of thing or lie to me. I used to be proud of the fact that we were both always open and considerate of each other and told each other everything. Now my perception of him has shifted. I sometimes wonder what else there is that I don't know about. I don't think he's still doing it. He promised me he never would. Then again, he had promised in the past. I just worry that it may happen again. I worry that in our society, in this day and age, what with bachelor parties and what not, it is inevitable. I hope that is not true, but that's what I worry about. But even though society accepts it, I don't. My values are just too strong. And it's hard to find people to understand my concern, since that type of behavior is so widely accepted. We love each other very much, and I just want to get back to where we were. I am a realist, and realize there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but I just want to get over this. Please help me.

Customer :

Also, I find myself just thinking about details about the encounters. I think about the details, and imagine what might have gone on. I even think about how he might have experienced it, and how much he must have enjoyed it. I don't know why I torture myself that way. We had lengthy discussions, where he answered all my questions about it. Some of the answers were hard to hear, but I'm sure he omitted a thing or two, and made himself sound more innocent than he was. I know this thinking is only hurtful to myself. I don't know what to do about that. Thank you for your input so far!

Customer :

Do you think a man is deprived of anything by not going to these types of places?

Carol Kryder LMFT :

No, I do not think a man is deprived by not going to these places, but I also am realistic and think there is a certain amount of curiosity and most every man has experimented by visiting one of these places at least once. The issue here is why you are continuing to torture yourself. You love him and it sounds like you want to trust him, so it is time for you to stop ruminating about what might have happened and start looking forward. Try to think of this as a result of peer pressure and curiosity. If it continues to bother you, maybe you need to visit one of these places yourself and see what they are like. You need to stop these thoughts when they come and say something affirming such as" I am going to trust him." Do not let the negative thoughts and worry take hold. You can do this. It just takes practice.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

You also need to understand that men are able to compartmentalize things, especially in the area of sexual behavior. It did not mean the same thing to him that it would mean to you if you had done this. Please ask me if you don't understand what I am saying, because this is important.

Customer :

Yes, I agree with you about curiousity and peer pressure. I will start to use an affirming phrase.

Customer :

I'm not sure what you meant by "compartmentalize" things. I also wanted to make sure you read the paragraph I entered at 6:17, about being worried about this happening again. Thank you so much. Your input has been the most helpful I've heard as of yet! Question: Should I click on ACCEPT now, or will that just end the conversation?

Carol Kryder LMFT :

Wait until the end to click on "accept".

Carol Kryder LMFT :

The rumination I talked about is what I meant about being worried this will happen again. This will just make you miserable. Even if it does happen again, you know you can survive it, because you already have, and this can be a great vehicle for you to regain the trust you once had with him.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

Men compartmentalize by keeping you in a "box" and putting the strip club experience in another "box." He loves you and you are his special person, and the strip club women are just entertainment. He would never consider a real relationship with them, so there is no reason for you to feel threatened. He will not fall in love with one of those women.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

Make sense?

Customer :

Yes, thank you, XXXXX XXXXX sense. I don't feel threatened at all, I just think it's disrespectful.

Customer :

Well, I already feel much better. I've been using an affirming phrase and that is already helping! Before we finish, do you have any other tips to help us move forward in the trust building process? Or things for me that I can do on my own?

Carol Kryder LMFT :

You can continue with the affirmations, they will help. Also keep talking to your BF about all sorts of issues. The more communication you have the better. It will increase the trust.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

Best to you both.

Customer :

Thank you very much Carol! This little chat has been invaluable to me :) I will make sure to leave positive feedback!

Carol Kryder LMFT :

My pleasure. Best to you

Customer :

I'm sorry, we did not discuss the price. What is an average tip you receive?

Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience: APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
Carol Kryder LMFT and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 4 years ago.
The lowest has been $5 and the largest $50. Whatever you think is OK, is OK with me.

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Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT
Private Practice
802 Satisfied Customers
APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience