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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5804
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband of 30+ says he never cheated on me but I found several

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My husband of 30+ says he never cheated on me but I found several registration letters for on line adult dating sites...fling.com, adult friend finder. I found emails coming from craigs list in response to his checking out ads. Most questionable were addresses in his GPS that were residences in areas he has never worked. He says he never moved forward on any fo it but my feeling si that the intention was there and had I not said anything it may have continued and became an affair. I am having a hard time believing him because earlier in our marriage he had an affair for three months without my knowing. I only found out because of a mutual friend informed me. How could I not know? Now after more than a year has passed I still can't get the trust back. He won't talk to me about it because he says nothing happened but to me it did. How do I get him to talk or what can I do to get through this?
He is also not interested in going to a marriage counceler. We saw one 15 years ago and it ended up only being a temporary fix.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 6 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your problem.

 

It sounds like from what you said that your husband has a history of cheating in your marriage and when you confront him, he refuses to acknowledge your feelings and is not interested in working on the problem.

 

First, it is obvious that he has issues with staying faithful in the marriage. He is actively going outside the marriage and seeking out others. He is not being truthful with you. Additionally, when you find out about what he is doing and talk with him, he is not accepting responsibility and stopping the behavior. He appears uninterested in working on the marriage.

 

From what you said, this appears to be a problem with him. If it was an issue with your marriage, he would have been willing to talk with you about it and also work on it when you offered. Since he was not willing to do anything about working on it with you, that leaves the conclusion that he is unwilling to see this as his problem.

 

Since he is unwilling to seek help with you about this, I highly suggest you go to counseling without him. You need the support and someone to talk with to work out how you feel you would like to respond to what your husband is doing. You need to decide whether or not you want to stay in this marriage. Since your husband is unwilling at this point to take responsibility for his actions, it is unlikely he is going to stop the behavior. Is this something you are willing to live with? A counselor can help you decide what you want to do.

 

Also, if you and your husband are still having sexual contact, I recommend you see your doctor to be screened for sexually transmitted diseases. The symptoms of some of these diseases can be dormant and you can be unaware of them.

 

There are also books than can help you work out your feelings about what is happening. One is called Warning Signs: How to Know if Your Partner Is Cheating-and What to Do About It by Anthony DeLorenzo, Dawn Ricci, Ken Baron, and Frank Gunzburg Ph.D. Another is Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart by Douglas K. Snyder PhD, Donald H. Baucom PhD, and Kristina Coop Gordon PhD. These are available on Amazon.com or your local library may be able to get them for you.

 

Keep in mind that you are not to blame for your husband's behavior. Affairs are never the answer to marital problems and is always about the cheating partner, not the other person. You must focus on yourself and getting out of the situation and making your life better.

 

I hope this has helped,

Kate

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