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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5558
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Im a 26 married woman my mother has ruined every beautiful

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I'm a 26 married woman my mother has ruined every beautiful moment of my life. she hated every thing I loved. My Friends , my education, my life style. I was a strong stubborn strong child who believes she can do anything and she denied all my dreams.I wanted to study art and she sent me for one year to study engineering, and when I came back so broken the only university which accepted me was art but she had to make it look like she did her best like what her mother did to her. I wanted to be in love and she used the moment that i was so depressed to convince me with an arranged marriage. I have done every thing to make her happy and just wanted her to love me as I'm but in stead of that she used me over and over telling me that I'm her oldest child and responsible. She tries to change me so hard and criticize me and the only man who stood with me was my husband. I have had it and enough is enough. I stopped talking to her in months but my I feel a huge amount of pain because this women was sure to destroy my self steem so she can be able to control me and now all my brothers and sister are having the best treatment ever while the only thing I got was pain I cant forgive her ever because one day my brother abused me physical and tried to abuse me sexually and she never protected me . I feel huge pain and been on anti depressants three years ago but I don't want to take medications ever and no body id supporting me since she is playing the victim as she used every time by crying like a child the only man standing with me is my husband and love who supports me but don't know what to do
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your problem.

 

I am so sorry you have to go through this with your mother. From what you said, your mother has attempted to run your life and has prevented you from doing what you wish. Instead she has imposed her wishes on you and as a result you feel depressed and upset about the relationship and her treatment. She singled you out and treated you differently from your siblings as well. You also mentioned abuse by your brother which you felt your mother did not protect you from.

 

As you described your situation, it is understandable that you are feeling the way you do. Without knowing your mother, it is difficult to know the reasons behind what she acted like towards you, but I can guess that she may have been abused herself and could have witnessed abuse as well. Often, in cases like that, the abused person goes on to abuse their own children or picks one child to heap the abuse on, such as in your case.

 

You have done a very wise thing for yourself. Removing yourself from the relationship with your mother is healthy. If she is incapable of relating to you in a healthy manner, the only options are to continue to accept the treatment or remove yourself. The fact that you removed yourself shows that you are looking at this in a good way. You are protecting yourself.

 

Now you are left with all the feelings from the dysfunctional relationship. First, you must understand that none of the actions of your mother or brother are your fault. You are the survivor here. Secondly, do not blame yourself for discontinuing contact with your family. You must take care of yourself. Lastly, it is important that you mourn what should have been a loving relationship with your mother. She was not the mother you deserved and that results in a loss for you. Let yourself feel those feelings.

 

I highly recommend you see a counselor to work out the abuse from your mother and brother. A counselor can give you much support and guidance to help you move on and gain more self esteem. It is wonderful that you have your husband for support as well. That will go a long way to help you heal.

 

Keep in mind that you are a survivor. You came through this and have much strength as a result. You are moving in the right direction by asking for help and taking care of yourself. A few books that may help you are Outgrowing the Pain: A Book for and About Adults Abused As Children by Eliana Gil and Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused by Steven Farmer. These should help you start on the road to recovery. They are available at Amazon.com or your local library might be able to get them for you.

 

I hope this has helped,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you very much for your help although I have been in this situation for long years and never done such a drastic change to protect my self what is driving me crazy is her trying to ruin my life through pushing me to have a baby just so she become a grandmother and that is been happening for over 4 years now and since her sister is a doctor so she tries to use this information to make me doubt my fertility like she made me doubt every parts of my body and usually she makes fun of me and told me that im evil and harsh just because I want to protect my self. I dont want to have a baby because this will bring her to my life trying to play the role of mother and grandmother and because for the first time in my life I can think clearley about what I want and to love myself and appreciate that. I was following with a psychologist but I think she left the country and would love to ask you if you know any psychologist in the country Im living , Doha,Qatar.I would love also to ask you to hide this question and reply so nobody can read it as a privacy protection. I do understand what you said and convinced even my husband read it and felt it is exactly what he was thinking so Thank you very much
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You are so welcome. I am glad the answer helped.

 

Please know that all of the professionals on J.A. have been screened and that your question comes up only as a coded name, and none of your personal information is seen by anyone here. If that still makes you uncomfortable, you may request the moderator at Just Answer hide your question some way. They may know how to do it.

 

You are right to keep your mother as far away as possible. If you can remove yourself even more from the relationship, that would be ideal. It seems that she is unwilling to allow you to be an adult and act on your own. Having a child is your and your husband's choice and not her business.

 

I am sorry, I do not know any therapists in Qatar. I am in the U.S. and am familiar with therapists in my area only. However, I can give you some suggestions in finding a good therapist. Look for one with experience in abuse. You need someone who can understand your situation and give you the best care possible. They need to have at least a Master's Degree or above. If you have a community mental health center there, I would call them and ask for referrals. Your regular doctor may know someone as well.

 

I am heartened by the strength you continue to show even though your mother is still trying to control you and your life. You are doing well. Your husband sounds like a very supportive and understanding partner. I am glad you have him.

 

Take care,

Kate

 

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5558
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.