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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5525
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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After an 18 month relationship, I at 56 asked my girlfrient

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After an 18 month relationship, I at 56 asked my girlfrient at 55 to marry me. she said no, and 1 month later broke up with me, saying she hadn't been happy for a long time. After a few days we began texting, theb e mailing.; One snowy morning about a week ago I texted her "Happy snow day". She texted back that she'd be shovelling it that evening. After a few more texts, I was invited over that evening, as friends with no "sleepover". I went and we had a nice evening. A few days later, she came with me to pick out a kitten. The next night she came to my house and watched a movie. Sunday I was invited to her house to watch football. No Monday, I had business in her town, about 1/2 hour away from my house. We agreed on dinner at her house after my business was finished. I went over, we ate, we watched our usual Monday night programs, etc. At about 9:30, I went to eave, and the snowstorm had made the roads pretty dangerous. She said she'd feel guilty if I drove on them, and I suggested that I could sleep on her couch. She went upstairs to get me a pillow and blanket, but came down empty-handed. Instead she sain I could sleep in bed with her but there'd be no intimacy. We slept snuggled all night. In the morning I didn't get a kiss goodbye, I got several passionate kissses. Can you tell me what's happening?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like from what you wrote that your girlfriend still wants to be with you, but may be afraid of commitment. There could be a variety of reasons for this, including being hurt in her past by someone close to her. Another could be that she has relationship issues with being close to others and is unable or unwilling to give up control in the relationship. It may also be something as simple as she enjoys the dating and the flirting but not a closer relationship.

 

You need to be aware that you are doing the right thing here. She has something going on and that is where the focus needs to be to resolve the issue.

 

The only way to be sure is to talk with her. Choose a time when she is able to focus on the conversation and both of you have plenty of time to talk things out. Ask her in a direct way but be sure to do it in a neutral, loving tone without accusing or implying she is at fault. You need to find answers to what is happening here, and the only way to do this is to ask. If you feel comfortable enough, express how you feel as well, letting her know that you are unsure of how to approach the relationship and what she is comfortable with. This should give you a better idea of where you stand.

 

 

I hope this helped,

Kate

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
She had a very bad marriage which ended 23 years ago, and hadn't even been on a date for 10 years before we met. I love her very much, and want to resolve this successfully.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I can understand her situation better then given that information. It seems she may still be dealing with some issues left over from that relationship.

 

If the suggestions I gave you do not work out, I would highly recommend couples therapy. That would give you both a chance to work it out with someone who can make sure both of you come together with trust and commitment.

 

Also, try these books. One is The Courage To Trust: A Guide To Building Deep And Lasting Relationships by Cynthia L. Wall and Sue Patton Thoele. Another is Trust After Trauma: A Guide to Relationships for Survivors and Those Who Love Them by Aphrodite Matsakis. These books will give you a good start for both of you to understand what is going on in your relationship and how to improve it.

 

My best to you,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I've suggested couples therapy, with no response. I don't think she'll read these books either. I need something I can do on my own. My biggest question is if you think the relationship can be saved. By the way, in those 18 months she never said :I love you:. I think it was to leave herself a built-in excuse to end it, but she"s found herself with feelings too deep to just walk away. Give me your take on this and I'll pay you. This is the last question.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

If she unwilling to work on the relationship, then it makes it very difficult to do so just by yourself. The lack of commitment on her part does not sound promising. But without talking with her and understanding her side, I hesitate saying she will definately end the relationship. I recommended the books not only for her, but for you as well as a way to understand her situation.

 

If you are feeling as you described in your last post, then I think you may need to trust your instincts and decide what is best for you in this relationship. Most people understand what they want to do, they are just unsure or hesitant to take the first step.

 

I hope this works out for the best for you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5525
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
5525 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.