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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5481
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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hi, I am a women in my late 20s, I have had enough sexual trauma in my life as rece

Customer Question

hi,
I am a women in my late 20's, I have had enough sexual trauma in my life as recent as last year I experienced trauma that shattered my trust of men. now I am in a new relationship. we have plenty in common and a strong connection. I love him. He says he loves me too. but he has admitted to holding back info from me and lying. In addition to that, his some interests or lifestyle choices don't foster a sense of security for me. It triggers my trust issues. I dont feel comfortable with his flagrant relationship with women in the past. It makes me feel like fighting the temptation to cheat would be extremely challenging for him. I also don't feel comfortable with his decision making skills when it comes to avoiding temptation. So now my trust issues are seriously triggered. I want this to work, but my discomfort gives me panic attacks. what should I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like from what you were saying, you are in a relationship with a person who says he loves you but does not act in a way that lets you trust him. You admitted that you have some past issues with abuse and therefore may have some trust issues. This makes it even more difficult to trust in your relationship.

 

In your description of the issue, you listed several behaviors your partner has that concern you. One is flagrant relationships with women in the past, an interest in going to Vegas with friends, drinking excessively, and dancing with other women. Given this list of behaviors, I can understand your lack of trust. This is not the behavior of a person in a committed relationship. Your feeling that he would have issues with temptation do not sound far off, given what you said.

 

It appears that one of the difficulties for you in this situation is to find a balance between your past issues of trust and trusting in your current relationship. However, from what you have said, it appears that you already have an idea that your partner is not trustworthy. It may just be a matter of deciding to act on your feelings in a way that protects you from being hurt by your partner.

 

If your partner is willing and you would like to try to continue the relationship, I would suggest some couples counseling. If you attend church, your pastor may be able to help you both work out this issue. You can also work on your own issues of trust and learn to separate them from what you are dealing with now.

 

Again, it appears from what you have said that you are clear on what is going on with your partner and that you are not comfortable with his behavior. Deciding if you want to continue the relationship is a factor. Unless he is willing to change and put you and your feelings first in the relationship, trust will continue to be a major factor in the relationship.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5481
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 4 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You asked what I would do in your situation. That is difficult to say since I do not know all the details nor do I know your partner. However, I do think that you are accurate in your feelings and learning to trust yourself is important. You are more on target and clear thinking than you seem to give yourself credit for. Your question gave me the impression that you have figured out how you feel about your situation, you just need to trust yourself to do the right thing and follow through with what you want to do. Learning to protect yourself, love yourself, and realize you have incredible strength as a person is very important, especially given what you have been through.

 

Take care,

Kate

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