How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5517
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
54658078
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have been with the father of my child for 4 years. In every

Resolved Question:

I have been with the father of my daughter for 4 years. In every situation of our relationship I feel that he puts me second. He tells me he loves but his actions don't make me feel loved. He does not communicate with me and I just can't seem to breakthrough to him. I have given him an ultimatum (2yrs ago) for us to get married or go our separate ways but he has not taken any action. When is enough, enough? I am at the point in our relationship where if he asked me to get married, I would have to really think about it. This weekend he forgot our anniversary and instead invited me to his parents house for a get together. I expected him to acknowledge that he forgot and make it better, take me out make me feel special but the whole situation just felt like a slap in the face. We are fine if we don’t talk (or go deep emotionally) we don’t fight. But if I need support or any type of emotional support from him he shuts down. I know he had a rough life and is “different” but I feel at this point of his life he needs to make a choice to get it together or continue to be sad and what seems to be incomplete. I don’t think he knows what happy truly is, and this is affecting me and my life.

I was married before and called it quits after two months, I always regretted that and I think that is why I stick around. But I don’t know how much more I can do this. I know I can’t change him but I want to help him and don’t know what to do.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

From what you are saying, it sounds like you do not feel important to your boyfriend/partner. You want to feel like you are a priority to him, which you should be.

 

You said that you've been together for four years and that he still puts you second. There could be a few reasons that I can see. One, he is putting you second because he is not as devoted to the relationship. Two, he may be devoted but feels resentful or upset about something in your relationship. Three, he may have a background that taught him to put his relationship with a girlfriend/wife behind other things in his life. For example, his parents could have had the same type of relationship and therefore he learned that is how relationships work. Although he should be putting you first, sometimes our feelings about our relationships blocks our ability to express ourselves. Regardless of his reasons, anytime we feel this way in a relationship it can hurt and cause much resentment, which is usually expressed through anger. That is completely understandable. However, for the relationship to heal, both people need to come together and forgive.

 

Communication is key here. You said that you already gave him an ultimatum. I'm not sure that will produce the results you are looking for, unless you feel that you are really ready to move on. What really needs to happen is the two of you have a serious sit down discussion about the state of your relationship and where each person feels it needs to go. There must be rules to this discussion, however. One, each person uses "I" statements. No accusing here. Two, the tone must stay neutral. No yelling or fighting. If that occurs, take a break and come back together when everyone is calm. Third, each person must be allowed to say how they feel without being criticized. These tips will help you get started.

 

There is also a site that might help you. It's at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. This site is helpful to gain more insight into each other's needs.

 

If all else fails, consider couples therapy. If he won't go, go yourself. You may need the assistance of a neutral party to help you work out the issues and develop a good, solid foundation for your relationship.

 

If this relationship is what you really want, don't give up. There are numerous books, resources and help out there to keep you both together.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate



Edited by Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC on 12/13/2010 at 5:49 PM EST
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5517
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education