Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
I'm sorry to hear you are having problems with your husband's behavior. Anytime our partners act out, it can be difficult. In the case of an affair, it can be devistating to our trust and self esteem.
It sounds like from what you said that your husband is having issues with being self centered and not putting you first, particularly about the affair. In a relationship, the partners should be equal and each person needs to put the other first and consider their feelings. This is not the case in your relationship.
You mentioned that your husband has gone to counseling, but decided that he did not want to continue it. However, from what you said it sounds like he did not benefit or learn to cope with any of his issues within your relationship.
What needs to happen here is that both of you go to counseling together. There needs to be someone who can work with you both to make sure both sides understand what is going on and how the relationship can be repaired. If he refuses to go with you, go without him. At this point, it would benefit you to get support and to work out your feelings about the affair and the current issues in your marriage to determine how you want to handle it.
In the meanwhile, I can recommend some books to help you get started. One is Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart by Douglas K. Snyder PhD, Donald H. Baucom PhD, and Kristina Coop Gordon PhD. Another to try is Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman. Both of these can help you begin to heal from the trauma of an affair.
You are going through some very tough times in your marriage. Set aside time for yourself and try to gain support through friends and family. Sometimes this alone will make a world of difference.
I hope this has helped,