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Luann
Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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I have been with my husband since I have been 15 I am now 31.

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I have been with my husband since I have been 15 I am now 31. We have a ten year old child. The first time I suffered physical abuse was when I was 18. This happened a few times and I chose to forgive him as the circumstances I believed were to do with being under the influence of alcohol and he had no control over himself, I know now that this isn't the case. We parted for a while when I was 19 but didn't stay apart for long. Not long after I fell pregnant with my daughter. Our relationship while I was pregnant with my daughter was not very healthy as he showed little respect. I left him half way during my pregnancy to try and move on but he again convinced me that he was sorry and that he loved me. I put this down to him being immature and afraid of becoming a father. Apart from the physical abuse everything else seemed like a normal part of life and growing up. What I am doing is trying to give a little background into where it all went wrong. Since my daughter has been born things have been up and down. There have been quiet a few instances where I have forgiven him for the physical abuse, and other times I think I have learned to control the situation. We went through a good patch when I was 26 but to be honest I think that I had convinced myself at this stage that everything was ok. We decided to become a proper family and get married, maybe I thought this would make things better and he would be reassured of everything. In all this time I thought that this was the right thing to do so that my daughter would have a happy family because he always was brilliant with her and did everything with her and made her really happy. I am not going to go into the details of what has happened in the past all I can say is that it is not good and I have been blinded by love of having a normal family and been selfish with regards XXXXX XXXXX childs happiness because I have put up this false personna of myself to her and others when I know that she knows in the back of her head and I have been portraying the wrong message to her letting it be ok. Anyway I know all this now but only because my husband stepped past the tresh hold of sane and insane last saturday night and hit my head off a concrete wall leaving a large lump on the back of my head, he lost control completely, he has hit my head before but never this bad. I've always been able to talk him around eventually but this time I really believed that he could have killed me and I think he knows this too, I'm just glad for my daughters sake that it didn't turn out like that. When he is not out of control I can talk to him and at the moment I am trying to keep things as normal as possible for my daughter. I spoke to him the following day and explained how I felt about what he had done. I explained to him that he could have killed me and he said that he realised this I then asked him to leave our home and he said he would. This was a week ago today. I work 3 days and he works evenings and weekends in the last few years so he takes our daughter to school and collects her and I arrive home at six. I have been trying to be really nice and keep everything calm for my daughters sake. I worked out for him how it would work with our daughter when he finds his own place that she would stay with him the days I am working and with me the days he is working I am trying to be fair for my daughters sake because I know how much she loves him even though I am really angry with him because he could have taken her mam away. I know that obviously I love him too and feel sorry for him its along time of being together to change things now so I am going through all the motions but I think I am tough enough. The problem is he has been sleeping outside our front door in our car. He has been in here every night trying to convince me to let him stay in the spare room has been saying other thigs aswell which I know are only words because he is also going through the motions but I have not been allowing him to stay. He says he can't afford to get another place but I know he can his salary is good and not alot comes out of his account and he knows that what I earn I will struggle on but I don't want to give in because of money because I know that I can get help. I know that its only been a week and he thinks that by staying outside I will give in because he knows how much I love my daughter and how I know it is hurting her. He told her that he might be moving in to the spare room and she said this to me. I have been trying to explain to her that mammy and daddy both love her and that everything will be ok but that we can't live together and that lots of families are like this and it works out fine. What can I do to make him stop sleeping outside without involving anyone
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Luann replied 4 years ago.

Luann :

Hello

Customer :

Hi

Customer :

Can you tell me am I handling the situation ok from your experience

Luann :

You are very insightful into your situation and sound very motivated. You will need help keeping your motivation up, I encourage you to contact a program for victims of assault or domestic violence and see what services they offer. They will typically have advocates available and support groups. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to stop him from sleeping in the car and I encourage you to ignore it. However, be prepared that he may get more forceful if his tactic is not working.

Luann :

I have worked with a lot of women in your situation and you are definitely doing the right thing. Like I said he may escalate his behavior if he does not get his way. Be prepared to get the police or courts involved. That is where talking with an advocate will be helpful, they can guide you through your options.

Customer :

What I didn't want to happen was get the police involved for my daughters sake as we live in a small village where everyone knows you and this would hurt her. I know that he does love her and I am hoping that he does see since but if he doesn't I know that this will have to happen. It is a long time for two people to be together and he doesn't like to loose power of a situation which is why in these circumstances I don't know what is going to happen because this is the first time I have really put my foot down and said no more can you give me some idea of what kind of outcome I can expect

Luann :

It is likely that he will try to get his way. He is used to you giving in. When things are calm between the two of you, be clear that this time is different, that you will not give in. But do not discuss this with him if he is starting to get angry or escalate in any way.

Luann :

You need to plan for the worse, hopefully it will not happen. We talk with women about having safety plans, these are plans to deal with different situations. The best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is to have plans in place, don't assume or hope that things will go OK.

Customer :

I know not to irritate a situation I think one becomes very good at it. I think I just wanted to know if I was doing the right thing I have my daughters safety in mind always thank you very much for your help I will be definately call someone I know that its not always good to do things by yourself its just you get used to handling situations yourself and get used to lying to the outside thank you it was nice to talk to someone. Sometimes I think things are surreal but when you say them out they become real

Luann :

Yes you are right you have become an expert at handling explosive situations. I applaud you in wanting to change this situation and make some healthy changes for yourself and your daughter. You don't need to be this expert any more, it is exhausting! You will not regret getting help. All the best to you and your daughter, you both deserve better treatment.

Customer :

Thank You

Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience: Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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Luann
Luann
Licensed Professional Counselor
158 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.