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Let me get this straight. You have provided most of the income for many years, and now he won't work and blames you for everything wrong in his life. He also believes that money earned as part of the marital community is his.
You may need a lawyer, because there unfortunately no way you can change him. He believes what he wants to believe and he obviously is quite resentful toward you. If he won't go to therapy, you must go yourself to learn how to detach from his opinions of you. This is the only way to maintain your sanity.
When we first were married everything was 50/50 + we purchased a house as a foreclosure. He's "Mr. Fix It" & brought it back to it's splendor. We purchased the house for $56K & sold it for $130K. While we lived there, he started his own business & watched the boys 1/2 of the year (because of the bad winters here up North). I continued working at my job at Xerox at the time. We decided to move to Florida & purchased a home there for the $130K (so there was no mortgage). He worked on that house & started to have health issues (I thought it might be allergies, etc.) & he decided (after 6 years) that he wanted to move back up North. The housing industry was reaching a state of turmoil, and we left 2 months before "the bubble burst" & sold the house for $425K...had we waited just a short while longer, it most likely would of only sold for $200K. Before we sold the house, he found a house up North to fix-up & spent 3.5 months making it habitable - while I spent the time in Fl keeping my full-time job going & juggling 2 teenagers. My youngest had gotten himself into some trouble in the highschool, and was expelled, to I had to take him to Sylvan Learning Center on a daily basis as well. When all of us finally arrived at the new house, he announced to me that everything he had done over the years was all his doing and all of the $ was his! I was dumfounded! Granted, I enjoyed my life along the way & purchased clothes, etc. for work & he said that he scraped along. I also found out that he did not put me on the deed. Now, he feels that it's my obligation to pay for all of the bills, taxes, insurance (medical insurance that I've always carried for the family for 20+ years - premiums themselves add up to about $100K). He feels that I was never around for the boys because I was always working (I worked for my family!!!). He started going out with his single friend & one night came home & there was a girl in the driveway...I couldn't believe it...he said that she was his friend's girlfriend & he wasn't dating her...what wife wants to wake-up at 10:00 pm to a girl laughing & giggling in the driveway???!!! How long to mid-life crises long for an average male?! I also came home one Friday & there was a BMW in the driveway that he bought for himself! I don't feel that it's fair for me to pay all of the bills, etc. & not be on the deed to the house. This is the 1st house out of 3 that I have not had my name on. He tells me that I'm a horrible wife & mother :( Sometimes I feel like Princess Diana - everyone loved her except her husband. Today he got mad at me at how I was brushing my teeth - how petty is that?! He does not like me to turn on lights in the house because he said that it's wasteful or run lots of water. His friends have picked-up on some of his quirks & he blames me for "telling" them something. Sometimes I swear that he waits until others are not around, so he can be horrible to me. A couple of times he had me so upset & I was crying so hard that I could hardly breathe - one of his friends called & he answered & was laughing & nice to him - while I was sobbing my eyes out. Why is he trying to be so controlling? He also accuses me of having affairs - which I've never done. On my son's 20th birthday, he got mad at him & threw the card he had for him at him & told him to complete it himself & he didn't purchase steaks because they were too pricy. He's home now, so I'm signing off....
I realize that you have signed off, but you need to know and have validated that you are in serious trouble. You need to see a therapist and a lawyer. This is much more than a mid life crisis and my feeling is that the abuse will only escalate. You need to find the strength to stand up to him and protect your children and your assets. Please do not delay. Find a therapist and work with him or her until you are strong enough to give your husband some boundaries. You also need to find out what your legal rights are. Please consult an attorney NOW! Do this for you and for your children.
I wish you well. Let me know if I can help further.