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Dr. G.
Dr. G., Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1467
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist.
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Hi there. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship

Customer Question

Hi there. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for the past eight years. We have a 6 years old daughter together and a i also have two boys aged 12 and 14 from my first marriage. i eventually had the guts to ask him to leave as i had become very unhappy to say the least due to his behaviour. My children have not seen or heard us that much but ENOUGH to know that things are not normal. We have now been apart 3 months, he as begged, cried, pleaded with me and said he as now changed and that now HE is sorted. We all seem to be happier on our own and my two boys do not want us to get back together but there is just a little bit of me that cannot let him go. I do not know why i feel so sorry for him beacause he as been a nightmare to live with and we have all walked on eggshells for a long time. He is been mr nice guy now but i do not know if its too late. I fear that if i let him back in he will revert to his old ways and then i know it will be much harder to ask him to leave again. Dont know which way to turn.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. G. replied 3 years ago.
I think you need to go with your instinct on this one. The reason he is acting nice is because he is scared and he will tell you whatever you want to hear in order to let him back in the house. If the relationship has been as horrible as you say it is then I don't see why you would want to subject yourself or the children to that environment again.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your reply. He as subjected me to physical abuse 3 times in 8 years. He as not punched me but he as pushed me about and bruised me on a couple of occasions. He as said that he didnt realise the damage he was causing but i have told him time and time again. He as just ignored my feelings really. He says that if we do get back together that he will never yell, shout or abuse me in any form whatsoever and that he just wants it to be perfect!! The emotional and verbal abuse have gone on for a very long time! He does get really personal about me, my family. It has been really painful. I know he as been through hell in the time that we have been apart, emotionally. I think because he as put all his emotion on me this past three months that i have felt sorry for him. My boys are still saying no to having him back as they could see how unhappy i was. I am very protective of them and made sure they didnt see too much but they have picked up on things. I feel guilty in the fact that its me who as instigated the split and that i would be taking my little girl away from her daddy. Can he change?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
How long does it take for you to reply?
Expert:  Dr. G. replied 3 years ago.
He can change but I doubt he has changed. You feel guilty keeping your child away from an abuser???????? WOW! He needs help and needs to demonstrate to you that he has changed. And this needs to happen before he comes back into your home.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi, over the past three months he as been on his best behaviour and demonstrated himself quite good really BUT i am scared and also he as definetely done something to me, i know i am not the same person. He as been spending weekends with us but i am happy for him to leave mon morning. Why am i unable to let go of that last bit of us. I also forgot to mention that he is a drinker and things have escalated when he as been drinking. I am in a proper turmoil. He is also a very jealous, possessive controlling man. He does have his good points been that he is a good worker and i do think he is as loyal as you are going to get. My two boys really do not like him and dread the thought of him moving back in with us. i think its myself that needs help now! I cannot beleive that i am in such a mess. I am an intelligent lady with a professional career. Why cant i tell him where to get off? All my friends and family know what he is, no-one seems to like him at all.
Expert:  Dr. G. replied 3 years ago.
I think it is time to take a hint and listen to EVERYONE around who says this guy is bad news. The typical abuse vicXXXXX XXXXXgs on to what could be in their partner rather than what is. You are hanging on to the man that you want rather than the man that is in front of your face. Time to face reality and kick him to the curb.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Do not really know why ive let him back in a little bit because when i think about the things he as done and said, i do hate him for it. He cried almost everyday to me for 2 months, telling me how bad it is for him and that he loves me more than ever and just wants to be home with our family! I feel that it is harder to tell him now as he thinks he is coming home before christmas! i feel sorry for him but apparently this is what abusers do, put all there emotions on top of you, hes cried begged and pleaded and actually said to me IT WASNT THAT BAD!! Him saying that is just his get out to make me think that it wasnt bad, but it was. I really do know what i have to do but it scares me to death, as i know it would not be easy on my own. My little girl does miss him terribly but does not know anything as she thinks he as been working away. He as been seeing her at weekends. He as had 3000 chances with me in the time we have been together but not took any on board. If he had then we wouldnt be in this position. Do you really think i should let him go? Im all confused, thats because i have had his emotion on top of my own emotion to deal with.
Expert:  Dr. G. replied 3 years ago.
Yes let him go. Listen to your brain since that is where logic comes from. You are letting your emotions impede your judgment. You are thinking about how bad it can be without him when you already know how bad it is with him. How about thinking of all the good that can come from leaving him instead of of making it out to be a horrible thing.

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