Good evening. Im online and available to help, Just let me know when you are back in the chatroom
I am here
First please allow me to say Im so sorry you're having such a difficult time right now
may I ask...you mentioned feeling mean and ungrateful....is that stemming from your lack ofo connection to your spouse?
yes, he is so good and he really loves me and I don't know why I can't feel the same
are you still together or separated presently?
From what you've identified it sounds like you're experiencing a tremendous amount of guilt over the lack of connection to him.....
But not intimate or close and I am hurting him a lot
how long ago would you say this began?
I feel awful
He was deployed for 16 months and we chatted everyday and I was so excited for him to come home. We both had these high expectations and when he got home I just wasn't attracted to him
Thank you....that helps me to understand better
how long were you together prior to his deployment?
This led to him felling very insecure and he got very clingy and I got very independent and it has gotten where I don't want to be around him sometimes, not all of the time. I still hope we can build back our friendship and intimacy but I know I will never be in love with him again
Thats incredibly difficult to live with day in and out....have you discussed counseling?
He wants me to love him and he deserves that but he doesn't want me to go he keeps thinking he can :"make" me happy
it sounds like you dont want him to make you happy....that you've been able to maintain your happiness without him and the guilt is eating you up inside
We have but I am scared that I will say something that is true but that will devestate him for no reason and then we will end and I will have destroyed him
May I be blunt and honest with you?
I don't think people make each other happy, you know. I want to be strong and happy and I want him to be strong and happy and then if we choose to be together it's healthy
whats happening right now is hurting him a great deal more than if you attempted a civil separation
that will hurt for a while but at least he will understand the reality of the situation
I know, it's just so hard to fail and I don't understand why this happened or why I can't fix it
its not failing....it does happen this way at times....its not like either of you planned this to occur
I am scared but I know that you are right
and even though its not pleasant...it is reality...at this point it seems as though you're putting off the inevitable and you're both hurting and miserable...thats truly no way to live
not fair to either of you
does that sound reasonable?
may I make a suggestion?
I would suggest speaking to him about couples counseling and finding a therapist...but go into it without expectations this way you dont set yourself up or him as well
I think if you go in open minded things will work themselves out for you both...regardless of the outcome
That makes sense, thanks.
certainly...its my pleasure
actually I work exclusively with Veterans
is there anything else I can help you with or answer?
no, I appreciate it