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mindhealer
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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If I have been trying to reconnect to my spouse for 8 months

Resolved Question:

If I have been trying to reconnect to my spouse for 8 months but don't feel close to him emotionally, is it over? He is a good man who loves me but I don't have any sexual attraction or romantice feelings towards him. I feel mean and ungrateful and so unhappy.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  mindhealer replied 6 years ago.

mindhealer :

Good evening. Im online and available to help, Just let me know when you are back in the chatroom

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

I am here

mindhealer :

hello

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

hi

mindhealer :

First please allow me to say Im so sorry you're having such a difficult time right now

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

Me too

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

Thanks

mindhealer :

may I ask...you mentioned feeling mean and ungrateful....is that stemming from your lack ofo connection to your spouse?

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

yes, he is so good and he really loves me and I don't know why I can't feel the same

mindhealer :

are you still together or separated presently?

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

Together

mindhealer :

From what you've identified it sounds like you're experiencing a tremendous amount of guilt over the lack of connection to him.....

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

But not intimate or close and I am hurting him a lot

mindhealer :

how long ago would you say this began?

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

I feel awful

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

He was deployed for 16 months and we chatted everyday and I was so excited for him to come home. We both had these high expectations and when he got home I just wasn't attracted to him

mindhealer :

Thank you....that helps me to understand better

mindhealer :

how long were you together prior to his deployment?

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

This led to him felling very insecure and he got very clingy and I got very independent and it has gotten where I don't want to be around him sometimes, not all of the time. I still hope we can build back our friendship and intimacy but I know I will never be in love with him again

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

17 years

mindhealer :

Thats incredibly difficult to live with day in and out....have you discussed counseling?

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

He wants me to love him and he deserves that but he doesn't want me to go he keeps thinking he can :"make" me happy

mindhealer :

it sounds like you dont want him to make you happy....that you've been able to maintain your happiness without him and the guilt is eating you up inside

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

We have but I am scared that I will say something that is true but that will devestate him for no reason and then we will end and I will have destroyed him

mindhealer :

May I be blunt and honest with you?

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

I don't think people make each other happy, you know. I want to be strong and happy and I want him to be strong and happy and then if we choose to be together it's healthy

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

yes

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

please do

mindhealer :

whats happening right now is hurting him a great deal more than if you attempted a civil separation

mindhealer :

that will hurt for a while but at least he will understand the reality of the situation

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

I know, it's just so hard to fail and I don't understand why this happened or why I can't fix it

mindhealer :

its not failing....it does happen this way at times....its not like either of you planned this to occur

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

I am scared but I know that you are right

mindhealer :

and even though its not pleasant...it is reality...at this point it seems as though you're putting off the inevitable and you're both hurting and miserable...thats truly no way to live

mindhealer :

not fair to either of you

mindhealer :

does that sound reasonable?

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

Yes

mindhealer :

may I make a suggestion?

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

yes

mindhealer :

I would suggest speaking to him about couples counseling and finding a therapist...but go into it without expectations this way you dont set yourself up or him as well

mindhealer :

I think if you go in open minded things will work themselves out for you both...regardless of the outcome

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

That makes sense, thanks.

mindhealer :

certainly...its my pleasure

mindhealer :

actually I work exclusively with Veterans

mindhealer :

is there anything else I can help you with or answer?

JACUSTOMER-rvv5zf9y- :

no, I appreciate it

mindhealer :

of course.

mindhealer and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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