Abuse is hard to deal with even if it is verbal/emotional. The body holds the memories of it and your thinking continues to cause you to relieve the pain over and over.
You've mentioned that you've been to counseling and had resorted to self help materials. What had taken place is in the past. As long as you allow yourself to ruminate about it, the past will have a grip on your present emotional and mental state of mind. In your case ongoing anguish.
The goal of counseling should have been to help you with changing your cognitions. Some people's conscious mind resists making these changes and at that point you can resort to using hypnosis and neurolinguistic programming which, targets the subconscious mind.
Another issue is the fact of accepting the past (it can not be changed) forgiving the abuse (maybe that is all they knew. If it is not, then they made a bad choice and will eventually have to pay for their actions) As long as you dwell on the past, you would feel the exact same way you're reporting having problems with.
You are not responsible for what he did, not responsible to fix the past but are in control of your thinking and your emotions even if it seems difficult to acknowledge. He should not be allowed control over you even now.
it would be helpful to work with a hypnotherapist specializing in NLP.
Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-By-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope (Apa Lifetools) by Robert D. Enright (Hardcover - May 2001)
Your Thoughts Can Change Your Life: The Twelve Essential Attitudes for Health, Harmony and Happiness by Donald Curtis (Paperback - Aug 1, 1996)
I have spent years trying to find a way to let go of it yet for some reason it just keeps coming back to haunt me. I have tried desperately to forgive but it is hard to forgive when no one in my family would ever or has ever acknowledged that anything happened and they never will The abuse was horrific. I spend every day of my life locked in a tiny 4 x 4 bathroom I was so afraid of him. The ironic thing is, I am more angry at my mother for absolutely denying, turning her back on, blaming me for this abuse. I never had a family of my own, no children of my own because I found no joy or pleasure in the family unit in any way shape or form. The family I was born into was cold as ice. Talking about feelings, showing emotion, was a sign of weakness and the consequences were horrible if I crossed this boundary in my brothers presence. Once he smashed my face into a table as I commented on the birds flocking around in the yard. As the blood gushed from my face, my mother handed me a towel and without a word, continued cooking lunch.... How do I forgive, how do I let go? books , therapy, helped very little. I want to I just can't find a way to do it. The memories play over and over like an old movie I can't shut off.