Hi Trevor and thank for writing JA
I am so sorry that you are in such distress. Your post is very sad indeed and I completely understand why you are so devastated. A few things here and I wish I could offer you more comfort on this because I know you are hurting so very much, but please let me respond to you honestly and professionally. I think in the long run it will help you best than if I made up few platitudes to calm you right now.
First off, it is not uncommon that couples who have been together for a long time break up after there is a significant change in status. In your case you were together for many years only recently becoming married. Once you married the nature of the relationship took on a different meaning to your wife and whatever her expectations she was disappointed by the outcome.or reality. In fact she said: she now feels disconnected and as if the passion has gone from your relationship.
Secondly, (and I already know you will not like this part of my response but I must be honest with you) she did not walk away from you without a solid explanation. In fact she told you: she nows feel disconnected and as if the passion is gone from your relationship. She gave you a solid and real explanation after all, it is just that you are so taken aback and off guard by her feelings and so devastated that you are not able to hear what she is saying or more over it is not something you wish to hear. Had she said something like, I hate the way you leave the bathroom after you shower, so I am leaving you you would have said, okay, well I will leave the bathroom differently from now on. But she didn't say that, she said she has feelings that are "out of your control" and since she let you know this it frustrated you. You wanted to hear something you could control and not something she let you know you could not.
Finally, when you do have the chance to talk to her you tell her: i would be willing to talk if she would just put a little effort into making things better. This implies that her leaving is her fault. This implies that the break down of your relationship is her fault and that you have not any part in the breakdown. I am not sure that was the best approach to someone who left you? At very least it is a very inappropriate approach to someone you wish to win back.
Give some thought into seeing a counselor on your own on this. I think you are inadvertently behaving in ways that drive her away from you. I do not think you mean to do this but in your fear and desperation you are now behaving exactly like the person she does not wish to be with. Find a qualified counselor who is caring and compassionate and share what you have here on JA?
Let me know if you have more questions on this.
Good Luck and Warm Regards,
I know Trevor. I know.
You are crushed and you have every reason to feel as you do. You are desperately seeking answers and no doubt going over things again and again and constantly trying to figure out what you did wrong. It is a useless exercise because I think you probably did nothing wrong at all.
I really just do think she felt trapped once you married. I think there are just some people who feel this way and it really does not have anything to do with what you might have said or done or not said or done. She felt trapped. It was her perception of marriage and thats all there is to this. And yes, I am sure she still does love you deeply and is also probably very confused by her own behavior even though she may not be able to verbalize this.
The better able you are to not contact her (no phone, no texts, no emails, no letters, not even an accidental run into at the grocery store) the more likely she will come around and think about what she has walked away from. You have a better chance of reconciling your marriage if you do not contact her. If she contacts you, sound cheerful and upbeat but be too busy to speak with her. Yes, you read me right. Be too busy for her.
In your most upbeat and cheerful voice say.............Hey Baby good to hear from ya... I am in the middle of something here, can I call ya back?............and then DO NOT call her back.
Send her the message that you are not totally dependent upon her for your happiness. Send her the message that every breathe you take and every heartbeat is NOT about her even though you and I know differently. I know that can barely breathe much less eat or sleep without her but don't you let her know that.
Let her try calling you a few times before you call her back and then be upbeat and cheerful but do not do any heavy relationship talk over the phone.
Arrange to meet at a public place like a restaurant and let her know how much you love her and want the marriage to work out but you are not going to die if the marriage does not reconcile. I think if she feels less suffocated and as if you are less dependent on her for your happiness then she will very well consider re opting into your marriage.
Please also find a counselor for yourself. You need someone caring and compassionate who is on your side and can listen to your fears and frustrations and help you through this. As illustrated above, its okay that I know what is happening with you but its not okay that your wife knows right now. It scares her and keeps her away. So find a therapist for you on this.
Good Luck Trevor. Drop me a note down the road and let me know how this goes for you>