Hello my name is XXXXX XXXXX you for bringing your concerns to Just Answer...with regards XXXXX XXXXX situation..a most stressful and difficult time for you..and please know how much I feel for you in this... Please accept my apologies with a late reply to you..as Donna our moderator explained it just depends on who is online at the time of receiving your post..and time difference across the world..
What I suspect you are trying to cope with right now are that of a fear of abandonment
and rejection issues..
and this would definitely stem back to the time of your mothers passing ( for which I am truly very sorry to hear ).. and or even compounded further in relation to your parents marriage ( father figure) as a whole..you have endured loss after loss..after loss in your life and there is much unresolved grief I suspect inside.
Hence, fear of rejection can come from many sources; from being rejected as a child, or feeling abandoned, lonely or unloved..while growing up...I suspect a very painful time for you. Its ingrained in all of us since birth... As babies we are totally dependent on our care takers/parents for our survival. As our needs as children could not possibly be always attended to, there were times when our caretakers/parents "failed" to be there for us, likely through no fault of their own...(and sadly,when your mum passed away)
When your needs went unmet however, while growing up, you were left feeling emotionally and/or physically deprived of care. This created within you feelings of emotional hurt
One of these was the feeling of abandonment and or rejection. This "hurt" remained within you and also grew cumulatively each time other needs went unmet.
These unmet needs can stem from feeling/ being repeatedly rejected in many situations,( past relationships/your ex husband, family, siblings) but regardless of the cause, it can create real problems in the ‘here and now’...sadly, this seems very much the case for you today.
Fear of rejection can lead to feelings of betrayal, obsessiveness, clinginess or jealousy in relationships.
It can make you become too serious too soon, eventually driving others away.
It can cause you to reject others to avoid being rejected yourself; overall it is a very damaging pattern of emotion and behavior that can cause real hurt to relationships and your enjoyment life in general.
And in addition, people often spend a lot of time looking for, and thinking he/she have found, ‘evidence’ to support their idea that they are being rejected…
- A partner talking to someone else can be transformed from an innocent chat into a 'sure sign' that they are about to leave you.
- Lack of contact from a friend can lead to feelings of anxiety and anger as you assume they don’t want to spend time with you..
The most important thing to understand about fear of rejection/abandonment is that it is driven by emotion.
It is not thoughts that cause you to act this way, but rather the way that you feel.
As you have grown up these "emotional scars" became submerged within you but never really healed...and so in your adult life you unconsciously find yourself making automatic decisions to avoid or negotiate your way around situations that might re-evoke the pain from these old scars.
In other words, whenever you sense a situation that might portend the re-emergence of the old feelings of abandonment and or rejection you feel, if you are aware of it, a sense of fear or anxiety and this automatically causes you to behave in ways you think will make these feelings go away.
You are entitled to a full and joyful life and fulfilling happy relationships..and the only successful way you will be able to release, this would be by way of your seeking out a 'specialist therapist who practices CBT...( Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).
CBT can help you to change how you think ('Cognitive') and what you do ('Behaviour'). and these changes can help you to feel better. Unlike some of the other talking treatments, it focuses on the 'here and now' problems and difficulties. Instead of focusing on the causes of your distress or symptoms in the past, it looks for ways to improve your state of mind now...
You will be able to locate him/her via your Mental Health Professionals Directory..and or if all else fails see your Dr they might well give you a referral to a therapist who practices CBT in your area..
I do hope this has helped to clarify what you are struggling with if it has then please 'accept' my response as it also helps us to keep this valauble service going for you and others in the future....please be encouraged..my thoughts are' with you in this..and take good care of 'self' ..