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Karyn Jones
Karyn Jones, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1716
Experience:  Diploma of Counselling and Transactional Analysis Counselling, Lifeline counselling, Pastoral Care.
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HiI was in a relationship for 10 years which I ended 2 years

Customer Question

Hi
I was in a relationship for 10 years which I ended 2 years ago as my husband drank to much and didnt support me as much as I felt he should. As soon as I ended it I felt relief but after a few days I felt deperately alone and wanted him back, even though I knew it wasnt right. He didnt want to come back, which made me feel much worse and desperate. I forced myself to move on by mixing with friends and distracting myself from continuously thinking about how alone I felt and I slowly started to feel stronger. However, I jumped straight into another relationship, which I have now been in for nearly a year. When its good its wonderful and when he gives me lots of attention I feel so happy. However, when he is not as attentive I feel desperate again. It has got to the stage where how he behaves completely dictates how I feel. If he wakes up in a good mood and is loving and kind then I feel wonderful all day. If he wakes up in a stressy, busy mood, and doesnt make me feel like the centre of his world then I fall to pieces. I NEED him to love me to make me feel good. I need reassurance from him all the time that I am loved and cared for. I dont know what is wrong with me but I have got to the stage where he is all I think about and I cant even sleep. I am also jealous and untrusting and go through his personal things to check on him all the time. I feel so out of control and lonely. My mother died when I was 12 and I wonder if this is playing a part in my extreme reactions to things. I know that logically I need to be happy in myself before I can be in a healthy relationship and have even been to counselling about my fear of being alone, but I am not moving forwards - if anything I feel worse the more that I am with this guy. I am so frightened of having to deal with the emotions of breaking up with someone that its making me desperate to never break up again. I am such a strong person in every other aspect of my life. I am a single mother to my 3 year old and I run several businesses, often working obsessively hard with it all. People often say that I dont stop and that I will exhaust myself. I am so wrecked in the head that I cant bear feeling like this anymore and I dont know what to do. I miss my husband just for his presence but that is all. I seem to need someone in my life and am so happy when there isnt anyone that I end up staying with the wrong people
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Donna-moderator replied 3 years ago.

My name is XXXXX XXXXX I’m a Moderator for JustAnswer.

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Expert:  Karyn Jones replied 3 years ago.
Hello my name is XXXXX XXXXX you for bringing your concerns to Just Answer...with regards XXXXX XXXXX situation..a most stressful and difficult time for you..and please know how much I feel for you in this... Please accept my apologies with a late reply to you..as Donna our moderator explained it just depends on who is online at the time of receiving your post..and time difference across the world..
What I suspect you are trying to cope with right now are that of a fear of abandonment and rejection issues.. and this would definitely stem back to the time of your mothers passing ( for which I am truly very sorry to hear ).. and or even compounded further in relation to your parents marriage ( father figure) as a whole..you have endured loss after loss..after loss in your life and there is much unresolved grief I suspect inside.

Hence, fear of rejection can come from many sources; from being rejected as a child, or feeling abandoned, lonely or unloved..while growing up...I suspect a very painful time for you. Its ingrained in all of us since birth... As babies we are totally dependent on our care takers/parents for our survival. As our needs as children could not possibly be always attended to, there were times when our caretakers/parents "failed" to be there for us, likely through no fault of their own...(and sadly,when your mum passed away)

When your needs went unmet however, while growing up, you were left feeling emotionally and/or physically deprived of care. This created within you feelings of emotional hurt

One of these was the feeling of abandonment and or rejection. This "hurt" remained within you and also grew cumulatively each time other needs went unmet.

These unmet needs can stem from feeling/ being repeatedly rejected in many situations,( past relationships/your ex husband, family, siblings) but regardless of the cause, it can create real problems in the ‘here and now’...sadly, this seems very much the case for you today.

Fear of rejection can lead to feelings of betrayal, obsessiveness, clinginess or jealousy in relationships.

It can make you become too serious too soon, eventually driving others away.

It can cause you to reject others to avoid being rejected yourself; overall it is a very damaging pattern of emotion and behavior that can cause real hurt to relationships and your enjoyment life in general.


And in addition, people often spend a lot of time looking for, and thinking he/she have found, ‘evidence’ to support their idea that they are being rejected…

  • A partner talking to someone else can be transformed from an innocent chat into a 'sure sign' that they are about to leave you.
  • Lack of contact from a friend can lead to feelings of anxiety and anger as you assume they don’t want to spend time with you..

The most important thing to understand about fear of rejection/abandonment is that it is driven by emotion.

It is not thoughts that cause you to act this way, but rather the way that you feel.

As you have grown up these "emotional scars" became submerged within you but never really healed...and so in your adult life you unconsciously find yourself making automatic decisions to avoid or negotiate your way around situations that might re-evoke the pain from these old scars.
In other words, whenever you sense a situation that might portend the re-emergence of the old feelings of abandonment and or rejection you feel, if you are aware of it, a sense of fear or anxiety and this automatically causes you to behave in ways you think will make these feelings go away.

You are entitled to a full and joyful life and fulfilling happy relationships..and the only successful way you will be able to release, this would be by way of your seeking out a 'specialist therapist who practices CBT...( Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).

CBT can help you to change how you think ('Cognitive') and what you do ('Behaviour'). and these changes can help you to feel better. Unlike some of the other talking treatments, it focuses on the 'here and now' problems and difficulties. Instead of focusing on the causes of your distress or symptoms in the past, it looks for ways to improve your state of mind now...

You will be able to locate him/her via your Mental Health Professionals Directory..and or if all else fails see your Dr they might well give you a referral to a therapist who practices CBT in your area..

I do hope this has helped to clarify what you are struggling with if it has then please 'accept' my response as it also helps us to keep this valauble service going for you and others in the future....please be encouraged..my thoughts are' with you in this..and take good care of 'self' ..

Best wishes

Karyn

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