Ask a Psychiatrist and Get Answers to Mental Health Questions ASAP
This situation is one where the marriage relationship is highly distorted. A good marriage is like two hands folded together. They are equal, and one can hardly see where one leaves off and the other begins. In this case, the one partner has lost that perspective or perhaps never had it. The marriage is not functional so long as one totally dominates the other.
Domination and control are about insecurity. Although this may be a powerful and successful man, under that surface is a person who is afraid to allow his equal, his wife, a chance to be herself and to make her own decisions and thoughts.
Your choices are limited: You can encourage him to seek a counselor which he desperately needs, but in all likelihood will not seek. Or, you could leave him. Neither is a desirable choice.
For best outcomes, I would like you to seek support from a counselor, even if he will not go. You are being emotionally abused in this relationship and need the support of a caring professional. This will also allow you to hear the advice of a neutral party and to have someone who can help you get past your emotions, such as the need to enable as you mentioned in your question.
It is acceptable to stay if you know why, and you understand what you are doing by choice and not through fear. It is not if you stay against your will or through your own emotional limits.
I would like you to read something: It will help you gain perspective and it is inexpensive on amazon.com It is: The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself [Paperback]Beverly Engel
This book will help and is a good place to start before seeing a therapist if you so desire. Hang in there. You are growing through this, even though it is painful. Many men do realize their control and fear over time, but it usually takes a strong woman's actions to put them into that place. You are that strong woman, you just need some encouragement and perspective. Steven