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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1325
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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I am suffering from a broken heart and trying to get over it.

Customer Question

I am suffering from a broken heart and trying to get over it. It's been 5 weeks. My boyfriend Simon ended it with me because he suffers from trust issues surrounding his childhood. When he was 12, his parents divorced and left both him and his sister (three years older) to fend for themselves. They have since reconciled with their parents, but it hit Simon very hard. He hasn't had a successful relationship since then (he is also 24). He finds it very hard to trust anyone, that he deserves to be alone as that's what he is used to. He would say "I don't need you. I should be alone forever. My own parents didn't even want me." He is a very confident person on the surface, almost with an inflated ego to try and hide his insecurities. No one would know he suffers from depression or that he was insecure with trust issues. <br /> <br />When he broke up with me, it just happened out of nowhere (we were together 5 months) Things were going well, love was growing stronger by the day and it felt like things were falling into place. Meeting each other's friends, meeting family, spending lots of time together etc etc. Then we have our first argument over something so menial and from that he starts thinking things over and in 5 days, he ends it with me. The reasons he gave me:<br />1. He thinks he cannot trust me, he has doubts simply because I didn't tell him the truth in the beginning about how I felt about the holiday we were planning in January. He didn't want to compromise with me (he wanted to stay in the resort for the full week and get pampered; I was happy to relax in the resort with him, but was also interested in spending some time out of the resort, exploring the city, but he didn't want to leave at all). So I told him it was probably best I didn't go if he wasn't willing to compromise. He was upset that I "lied to him" in the beginning, "kept things from him", that I was "dishonest" and that I "broke his trust". I know he's been burned in the past, but I just don't get it. How am I breaking his trust by being honest with him now, saving us from fighting when were actually on holidays and risking him resenting me for it? I think he also thinks that I let him down because "I thought work would be the one to deny me of this holiday, not you" and I can understand why that is upsetting, but seriously, why can't he see that I had good intentions on being honest with him here? He said he was upset because there wasn't open communication/honesty from me, but I was! I don't understand.<br />2. He thinks I am "unable to make big decisions" when it came to our relationship and myself - "I don't know why, but the more I think about it, the more it annoys me with the fact that you continue to struggle with yourself. Why you find it so hard to decide what you want to do and where you want to go. It annoys me, and I don't know why. Also, sometimes I think, if she can't be strong enough to tell me how she feels about the holiday, will she be able to confront me with other things? Bigger, more important things? Is she strong enough to stand up for herself and make those big decisions? That doubt scares me." It annoys me that he couldn't speak to me about this like a mature adult.<br />3. He is going through a lot personally with work and family stresses and he doesn't want to bring me down with him. I can understand this reason, but I hate that he's pushing me away when I love him enough to be there for him as best I can, for support and someone to take care of him when times are tough.<br /><br />A background on his personality. He works within IT and is very analytically minded.The way Simon does things is exactly how he works. Systematic, Plans, Priorities, Definitive. Its probably why he is so good at what he does. IHe actually enjoys being alone, only because that is what he is used to (as in alone time). He may be a bit of a socialite on the surface, but it seems like more of an act than anything. His biggest flaw is his overinflated ego/confidence/manhood. He thinks he is better than everyone. His thoughts follow logic, reason, rationality.<br /><br />He is depressed now and has pushed me away. I accept the reasons he's given me to end the relationship because of his past, but I still feel as if I should reach out to him as he is suffering from depression and other issues, but I think I am crossing the fine line between ex-partner and friend. We are not in contact whatsoever, but we are still Facebook friends (i.e. he hasn't cut me out, but we don't communicate through Facebook) What should I do? How can I help someone who needs help even when they don't want it, but also protect myself? I fear reaching out to him, he will either reject me again because of he doesn't want my help but also he may think I am just being a needy ex girlfriend (making me feel worse). What do I do?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Donna-moderator replied 4 years ago.

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Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.