I have a few difficult questions for you that I hope will constructively challenge you a bit---in ways I hope will be helpful, of course. But they are difficult questions.
I have an odd sense that despite his denial about his problems, your husband HAS to realize he would be in dire straits physically, if you left, because he knows he is dependent on you. If this is true, then he likely believes he has to bully, demand and exert control because this is the only way he knows how to command your attention and involvement with him. He may hold the rather bizarre belief that if he doesn't regularly bully and manipulate you, he has no power whatsoever in the relationship.
Obviously, if this is true, it represents a pretty pathological and pathetic strategy for maintaining a relationship---but I do have a sense that this is accurate about your husband.
Based on this, I would have to recommend that you make definitive plans to get out of this relationship as soon as you feel you can afford the disruption and financial stress. So here is the first question: I realize you feel you cannot leave for financial reasons right now, but help me understand how the financial situation might change to make it possible for you to leave, once your daughter turns 18?
And relatedly, here is question #2: You are going to have to eventually stop subsidizing your husband's failing business. Is it true that you are actually losing money by keeping it open, and objectively, you'd have more monthly income if it closed? Help clarify this for me please because if you are subsidizing it, then you simply MUST at some point, close the doors. How, when will you do this, exactly, etc.?
Now, if you stopped subsidizing your husband's furniture business, and could recoup the outlay for that, you could then save that chunk of money and put it away as a reserve fund for moving out and resettling yourself; or you might think about presently, putting the money toward renting a small quiet efficiency apartment, sleeping
room or even a small modular home/mobile home, or renting a motel room by the week, so you can simply leave for a few days or a few weeks, when your husband acts up badly. So question #3, is there a way to make an intermediate transition to eventually leaving the relationship by spending time away from home for personal respite and emotional recovery from stress?
I would offer the speculation that your husband has sustained some brain damage from cocaine abuse and alcohol consumption; it is thought that such abuse can prompt the more rapid development of dementia in people who are predisposed to dementia. I think you realize that your husband is probably on a gradual "death march". You feel you must be there to literally, keep him from self-destructing, but I must ask, why can't you allow him to assume responsibility for himself just a bit more---for better or worse? For you to maintain this belief suggests you truly feel he is incompetent and that because of this, you are actually responsible for taking care of him---much as you would feel you are responsible for a truly helpless and dependent infant. Feel free to correct me, but I must ask question #5---is this belief you hold that he won't survive if you don't feed him and do whatever else you do, every day? Is this accurate and rational?
I asked the above question because I want to toss out a possibility---a 'what if?" proposition---probably quite a scary proposition. What if you informed your husband that on alternate evenings each week, he would have to fix his own dinner when he got home or you'd have leftovers defrosting for him to reheat, because you had evening classes or an alternative activity you've committed to----maybe library research topics that interest you or a class at a community college or adult continuing education course or??? I don't know what it might be but what if you announced that your evenings were going to dramatically change in this way, and you simply let him rant and rave and get angry and try to control you----but to no avail? What would happen if you pushed back in this way?
Thats all for now. I may not be able to respond to your next post for a while because I have to prepare to travel in the a.m., so take your time thinking about these questions and responding. It may take a day or so before I can have free time to log back on to this site. Hope this is o.k. with you.