I’ve realised lately that I can’t actually remember ever being happy. Most of the time I don’t really feel much at all, I don’t seem to be able to care about anything or get any joy out of anything. Then there are times when I get really bad, fortunately they don’t happen a lot. The most recent time was during the summer holidays, every negative or hurtful thought that it’s possible to think was screaming in my head. I couldn’t cope with it. I wrote out a suicide note and was planning on, well, ending it, when my sister and her kids came round to visit and I just couldn’t. All in all I can remember three other times when I got that close and then chickened out at the last moment. Before this summer it had been a good three years since I had felt that bad. And then the next day, I always just go back to feeling numb again. For the most part the general emptiness that I feel day to day doesn’t make it particularly difficult to live my life. I don’t find things like going for a shower to take an enormous effort like I do when I’m feeling really bad. But because I just don’t seem to care about anything, I’m severely lacking in motivation and I’m starting to fall quite badly behind in my college work. I’ve lost almost all of my friends, and I haven’t been able to make any new ones in college. I’m really tired both emotionally and physically. I just need something to change.
After a disasterous first appointment with my GP where all that happened was that the Doctor confirmed that there was no physical reason for me to be feeling the way I am, which I already knew. I was promised an appointment with a councillor within two weeks. Next thing I know its over a month later and I still had not heard anything. So I went to see a different doctor.
She was really kind and friendly. The problem is that, it had been over a month since my original appointment, and all those really bad feelings that I had were gone, I was feeling numb again. And when I feel like that I find it really hard to well, just think in general, especially when I have to answer questions on the spot. And I have big problem remembering the details of three days ago never mind over a month so I really struggled to explain how I had been feeling, both at the time of my first appointment and now. She didn’t ask me that many questions either, she just went off of what I had said to the other doctor, even though I explained that I hadn’t felt able to explain quite how bad I was feeling. I went back to see her on Tuesday I asked her if it would be possible to get a proper diagnosis. Mainly because I think that Il never be able to accept myself as having a problem, that Il never feel as if I have a right to join things like online depression support groups or something until I actually get a proper diagnoses. I don’t understand how I could know for sure otherwise. People with things like dyslexia
or, I don’t know, multiple sclerosis, dont go around saying “yes, I have x y and z” until they have actually been diagnosed. But the doctor said that she didn’t want to diagnose me as I was so young and she didn’t want me to have to deal with having something like depression permanently stuck on my medical file. Which I get, I know there is still a lot of stigma out there. She then went on to say that she didn’t think what I was feeling was severe enough to be depression anyway and that if it was it was only very mild. She said that what I had explained about the few ‘bad patches’ that I had didn’t sound like I had depression as they didn’t last for very long and she said that depression never gets better without medical help (which isn’t what I’ve read on various different mental health websites.) And so if she was going to give me any kind of diagnoses that she would say, I was ‘prone to bad moods’.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t agree with what she said I think it’s definitely something more serious than that and surely I know what’s going on in my head more than she does. I don’t think most people who get bad moods can feel bad enough to want to die. But at the same time, she is the doctor. All I have is what’s going on in my mind whereas she will have experience with many people who have similar problems. I’m considering going to get a second opinion, but I don’t want to risk going to see one of the other GPs in my local surgery as most of them are really impatient and rude and I get really stressed and panicky around people like that. But I don’t know of anywhere else I can go. She asked me to go back and see her in two weeks, so I might just go along and ask her if we can start from the beginning. As if this was the first time we had met so that we could go through the whole questioning process again. I don’t know if I can keep coping with everything for the weeks or months that it might take for me to finally get an appointment with the councillor. Sorry I don’t really know what I’m hoping to get out of sending this, but I don’t have anyone to turn to.