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Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience:  Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
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Hi. What a nice feature this is. I came on this site looking for info to help a frien

Customer Question

Hi. What a nice feature this is. I came on this site looking for info to help a friend and I get to ask someone.

A friend of mine with a history of being abandoned and not wanted is desperately trying to get his wife to want him. The harder he tries to crueler she is. I think you can't make someone want you. How can I make him realize it isn't his fault if she doesn't want him?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Sarah replied 6 years ago.

Sarah : Hi there,
Sarah : Are you ready to chat? I have only 10 minutes at the moment, but I could pick up with you again a little later on if necessary?
Sarah : I believe you are correct, we cannot make someone want us. But you can help your friend to see the world in a less needy way by suggesting that he seeks an EMDR therapist.
Sarah : This technique would allow your friend to run through very painful memories in his mind whilst the therapist creates a tapping or eye movement. This sounds a little crazy, but it truly works, and allows the emotions and the worries that are linked to those memories to be processed away, so they are no longer so intrusive into everyday life.
Sarah : Hi and welcome
Sarah : I have to take my girls home in a few minutes, so I will continue to explain about EMDR if you would like to know more?
JACUSTOMER-8h3h1tca- :

ok thanks for this response. when you have a few more minutes maybe we can talk about whether or not there is anything i can say now to help. i can recommend therapy but i know he won't go

Sarah : Thats a shame, because it cahelp so much. Your friend wouldn't need to talk about his past, all of the therapy is done in the privacy of his own mind, allowing emotions to gently surface and to be let go of.
Sarah : In terms of what to say right now, you are talking with the conscious mind and his subconscious mind is the part that is suffering. So you would Ned to challenge those beliefs, by saying something along the lines of 'what are you reminded of when you feel your wife doesn't want you? '
Sarah : This could bring up some deep stuff if he would be willing to tell you,
Sarah : Then you oils need to help him with it, which is perhaps why a therapist would be good.
Sarah : Sorry, the computer puts it's own words in sometimes, instead of mine.
Sarah : In truth, his wife cannot possibly fill his needs, yet she is feeling the pressure and therefore pulls away.
Sarah : I think you know that already.
Sarah : But she perhaps feels that she doesn't have the answers for him and doesn't know how to help him.
Sarah : You say she doesnt want him, Does she want to be with him, or is she planning to leave?
Sarah : If his wife is planning to leave, or is being cruel to him (ass you mention) then she is probably triggering his memories of being abandoned and his need to be wanted, with out even knowing she is doing this. So he is living in a life of fear - she pulls away, his fear grows,she pulls away further, his fear is overwhelming. He needs to exit this situation in some way, either by finding a therapist and exploring his needs or leaving his wife and taking control of the situation, being happier alone or finding someone who fills his needs by loving him unconditionally. (easier said than done, as he will still have his painful memories).
Sarah : My girls are delayed, still in class, so I'm still here, hope it's helpful.
Sarah : i cannot understand why the system keeps repeating my responses, Im sorryit shouldn't be doing that.
Sarah : I have to go now, i hope that has been useful, Sarah
Sarah : The systems missed out a huge paragraph - your friend needs to take responsibility for his own feelings and needs. His wife may have given everything she can and still feel like it was never enough. That's hard on her and she may feel bitter that she could satisfy her husbands needds in her marriage. it's not her responsibility to fix her husbands needs. It's simply impossible, as his hurt obviously comes from the past and not his wife. He needs to see this, but may not appreciate you telling him so.
Sarah : Best Wishes, Sarah
JACUSTOMER-8h3h1tca- :

i really appreciate your response. thank you.

Expert:  Sarah replied 6 years ago.

No problems. Sorry it wasn't much of a 'chat', rather me typing, but the system seemed to be doing its own thing. It missed out a paragraph that I wrote about your friend - he is seeing himself in the 'victim' position and this is a very passive position to be in, as it feels as if everything is being done to them, rather than taking control and being able to do things for them self. If he sees that he has the responsibility for himself, then the control comes back and he can feel more motivated. You are right, no-one can make anyone do or feel anything, but they can allow others to make them feel this way. Your friend perhaps could not control the past and was perhaps the 'victim' during that time, but now he needs to move on and take control. I cannot tell you how good EMDR would be for him, or maybe even some hypnotherapy might help, but he needs to be motivated to do this.


With very Best Wishes, Sarah



Sarah and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Sarah replied 6 years ago.

I meant to add that you can find more information about emdr at




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