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Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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I ask my daughter what did you do on your break and she answered

Resolved Question:

I ask my daughter what did you do on your break and she answered "nothing". I later found out she went to pick a friend up from work, tookher to pick up her daughter from school and took her home. Is this the same as lying?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 5 years ago.



could you please clarify whether your daughter picked up her own daughter or her friend's daughter together with the girl's mother? How old is your daughter and why would you say it is important to you to label this as a lie or not? What does her response mean to you?How do you perceive this?How is your relationship generally with your daughter?


If you tried to answer these questions I would have a clearer picture of the issue?


Thank you



Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She picked up her friends daughter. She is 25 and she says that not telling things is not lying and I say that hiding things is the same as lying. She had my car and was instructed that it was to be used to go to school and back, but knows that I am very liberal and if she had asked me, I would have allowed her to do what she did, but would have been appreciative of the consideration of being asked if it was okay. I might have told her that it was not her responsibility, but would have said okay. I would like her to learn that when you have other people's property you cannot treat it like it is your own. Even though she is 25 she is rather immature developmentally and tends to act like a teenager. She has a long history of lying, hiding, and sneaking that I have never been able to break her of. To me this is just another example of not telling me the truth even in a very simple and unimportant matter, but still I want her to learn that this kind of behavior is dishonest and that their is a difference between being a private person and just being dishonest. My relationship with my daughter? Usually good as long as she is honest and above-board with me, but when she begins to lie and hide things and sneak around, we butt heads BIGTIME!!!
Expert:  Mina replied 5 years ago.
I see. I can understand that you feel frustrated with her and you have difficulty trusting her.This seems to have been an ongoing case between you. However, people do change in time and can become more responsible with the proper guidance. This example that you mentioned, although she lied to you, you would need perhaps to think why she avoided telling you something like this, which there would be no problem with you or anyone knowing. Picking up a friend and her daughter and spending a bit of time with them, doing them this service, can be very normal and nothing negative about it. So what could have driven her to hide this from you?I believe that this is the point where you would need to focus on as I believe that there is much more to it than it looks. Would you say that she avoids telling you things about her private life, about her everyday life? Would you then say that there is a mutual difficulty of trusting each other but perhaps on an emotional level and in the context of not feeling that you can show understanding or empathy?

If you feel that she avoids telling you a lot about her life then this could mean that for some reason she does not feel comfortable to open up to you. If you feel that this may be true, you would need to engage her in a conversation without judging or referring to your mistrust but solely with the purpose to understand why she does not feel comfortable sharing some aspects of her life with you.

Please feel free to share any thoughts on these and let me know how you feel about them.

Thank you

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