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Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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Im in a 7 year relationship and I am falling for another guy...feelings

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I'm in a 7 year relationship and I am falling for another guy...feelings have been built up for a long time with this guy and have recently acted upon them, we both feel the same about each other. My partner is away a lot for work and we have had discussions about making some changes in that area and the future of marriage and children - of which he was very against wanting to do in the first few conversations(and has always felt he didn't want those things in life)....we have both taken some time to think through it all before we decide to move on or not...he has really thought about it and wants to make this a family. My parents split up when I was younger so I guess I am cautious myself to trust that he is going to be there for me and our family. On the other hand, I have been thinking predominantly about this other guy that I know wants a family in the future and I have a very strong connection with....I have considered getting professional help as this is becoming bigger than me....I am at a point where I am now going to hurt someone....How do I know which path is the right direction...on my own...stay with my current partner or pursue a relationship with this guy that I just can't stop thinking about?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 5 years ago.

Hello and thank you for contacting us.


I am sorry to hear that you struggling with this dilemma in your life. What you are describing is a very valid concern and dilemma. From one hand you are involved with someone who has had a very troubled childhood and possibly does not feel ready for children or cannot put himself in the fathering position but you have been together for 7 years, and on the other hand you have already started developing feelings for another man who seems to share the same dreams as you but this is a new man in your life and you probably not know him that well. No one can really give guarrantees on these issues. You would need to consider many things such as what are your true feelings about your current partner, what you think are his true feelings about having a family (e.g. does he agree with you so he does not lose you?), if you feel that he is mature enough to deal with problems coming up in the family, how he has dealt stressful situations before, what is his commitment towards you, if you can see yourself for your rest of your life with him and last but not least, what you think has led you to seek another relationship with a new man. This last question would need a lot deeper exploration as it may hold certain truths about your needs and wishes. You also need to think about this new man and what he has brought in your life that is exciting you and is making you have this dilemma.


I believe that in any case most of you will be hurt, you as well having to lose one or the other. However, changes and especially loses or break ups are often hurtful and you learn from those as well.


I believe that you would benefit from seeing a psychologist/therapist to help you explore all the above questions and more, feeling contained and safe at the same time. You would feel supported and could help you make the best decision for you. This decision would come naturally to you when you will not be in a position to struggle to chose but when you will be certain about what you want more and what or who you cannot live without.



Please feel free to share any feedback on these thoughts


All the best




Edited by Mina on 11/16/2010 at 1:10 PM EST
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