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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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Pushy Friend.

Resolved Question:

Pushy Friend.

This friend of mine seems to never take no for an answer. Every time I can't go out or hang out she pressures me to try and get me to change my mind every single time.

Even if I have other plans for that day she seems to expect me to change them for her. Eg. I was going to Coff's Harbour to meet with my boyfriend to meet he's parents for the first time. She wanted me to go the Races with her instead. Even had the nerve to ask me to change the weekend so I could go to the Races instead. Of course I said no. I had something else on!

When I do hang out with her. Then want to leave on my own terms she starts to panic and tries to get me to stay longer. When I don't stay longer she will make me feel bad by either guilt tripping me or putting me down in front of other people because I am not doing what she wants.

Another thing she does is put a negative spin about good things in my life. Either that or I get the feeling she doesn't approve of the way I am living it.

I am in a very good place in my life at the moment and am very happy with how things are. I don't see what her problem is. Her behaviour is frustrating me and I was wondering how I can deal with it without ruining the friendship.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.

 

I am sorry to hear about the problems that you are experiencing with your friend. It sounds as if your friend is very needy of your attention, and perhaps of putting someone else down in order to make herself feel better. She may not be in a place where she is able to be a very good friend right now. If you choose to remain friends with her, then it will be up to you to set the limits that you need in order to avoid resenting her for her behavior. This might involve being very clear to her if you don't want to do something that you will not be attending and then either changing the subject if she persists or ending the conversation. As soon as she begins trying to make you feel guilty or being negative you could do the same or be very clear to her that you care about her but are not comfortable with this type of interaction. Remember that someone cannot make you feel guilty unless you let them and they cannot be negative with you if you immediately change or end the conversation. Be confident in yourself and do not allow her to take this away from her. You may choose to engage in certain activities with her that tend to go better than others, for instance maybe shopping, movies, group activities, depending on your past experiences with which seem to work best. I hope this answer is helpful. Please let me know if I can clarify further.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you. I have gotten the needy vibe from my friend.

I am starting to let her know more about how I feel about her behaviour but it gets turned around and I look like the bad person.

Eg. She reacted really bad when I left her birthday early after moving (to another City none the less) all day. I was tired and wanted to have an early night. Not be out all night. My boyfriend was ready there to pick me up to take us back home and she acted out and wanted to talk but it wasn't the right time. I had to go. I did do what you said and just left because I felt she was being rude.

Now when that night gets brought up they say I was being rude for leaving so suddenly I left because I didn't like the way I was being treated. My boyfriend was apparently also being rude because he didn't come in and say hello. He didn't really know them. He was just there to pick me up and take me home. Not come in and possibly stay the rest of the night. We just wanted to go and spend our first night in our own place. It felt like they were just saying we were rude because we weren't doing what they wanted.

Yes. It does feel like my friend tries to take my confidence away from me and put self doubt in me with my choices in life as well. No will not let her take that away from me. I am glad I am not the only one who sees this.

That is what I am planning to do. I don't really like going to their parties because I don't feel comfortable there but don't mind going shopping, movies or brunch with her and her sister. Hopefully they understand that when I bring it up.
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for the additional information. Your friend may not like you setting limits with her, however, if you avoid setting limits and give in to her it will cause you to become increasingly resentful of her. It is more fair to both of you for you to matter of factly set the limits that you need to set and not buy into her calling you rude, etc. Simply because she says it does not make it true. If this has been helpful please press Accept. Please let me know if I can help further.
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
Lori Gephart and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
No. She doesn't. She is not used to that. I used to be really shy and a people pleaser and have started to break free from the people pleasing the last 2 years. Have been more outgoing a bit longer. I am also getting more vocal about how I feel on things and putting myself first more these days and that feels great. She and her sister have just got to get used to that.

Ha ha. According to her she is right about everything. No I know it doesn't make it true. I do see through that luckily.

Agree. Will do the limit thing. Fingers crossed that helps.

Thank you for helping me out here. Really do appreciate it! Sorry. Will accept answer.

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