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Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH
Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 251
Experience:  Over 15 years of experience as a substance abuse therapist. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I had an emotional affair with a male coworker, who I moved in with to avoid the situ

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I had an emotional affair with a male coworker, who I moved in with to avoid the situation at home. My husband believed I did more, and filed for divorce. We are divorced, and in order to keep my job, I had to get an apartment with said coworker, I have no other friends.I have since realized the gigantic mistake I made and I love him and want him back. I am trying to convince him that I have changed and to come back, I even kicked out the coworker, and cut most of the men in my life out of it;but he keeps saying he cant right now, but that he cant say how he'll feel in a couple months or even years...is he messing eith my head? or how and what is/ does he feel? Can I get him back? How? what do I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH replied 3 years ago.

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

Hello, Thank you for using Justanswer.com. I am sorry to hear you are going through this. There is an old say, in order to be trusted you have to be trustworthy. It sounds like you are taking the steps to allow your ex husband to begin trusting you again. I would suggest going out of your way to show he can trust you again. The statement you made, "...and most of the men in my life out..." sort of made me pause. I wonder if your ex would feel that way too? I would suggest getting all men out of your life that could be construed as potential partners by your husband. Consider going on with your life by meeting some girlfriends or finding some hobbies to fill your time while you wait for him to come back. Trusting you again will take time. If it goes on for longer than you think you can handle, you may want to consider the relationship as over.

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

I would suggest establishing a reasonable time frame for him to come back and if that time passes and nothing has changed you may want to move on. I hope this answer helps. If you have further questions, please let me know. If you are satisfied with this answer, please click accept. I wish you all the best with this situation. Take care, Kym

Customer:

there is only one man left, who lives in Kansas and is very trustworthy. There are no men that could be construed as partners. I don't know how long I should wait. I'd wait forever if it meant another chance to prove my love and loyalty to him and only him. But he is so detached and cold now, I don't know if he has any feelings for me at all now. He says things like " I'd like to think we could do it right someday" and then says things like " I don't know if I could ever trust you again/if we could fix it." He also says things like he can't be what I want or need right now. I just want to know if he is keeping me around as an ego boost for him and how I can go more out of my way to show him i'm trustworthy. When we start talking, I will mention something like I love him, and it will shut him down completely. He will say I just dont know what to say to you or about what you said. He leave me completely baffled about what he is going through.

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

He is probably going back and forth with his own feelings which is pretty normal if someone has been betrayed by a loved on. I think that is why you're getting conflicting messages. I would play it by ear right now and graciously allow him to flip flop for a while but let him know you understand why he is feeling conflicted and perhaps state to him what you said above, "I'd wait forever if it meant another chance to prove my love and loyalty to him and only him". I would allow him some more time and perhaps done the road ask him if he would like to go to couples counseling to discuss the hurt you have caused him.

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

I hope this helps. I know it is very hard to sit back and wait, not knowing when or if he will come back. Try to keep yourself really busy and committed to being trustworthy for right now.

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

If you have further questions, please let me know. If you are satisfied with this answer, please click accept. I wish you all the best with this situation. Take care, Kym

Customer:

I tried all that already.

Customer:

Thats why this is so frusterating

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

ah, well, all you can do is wait then, I'm afraid.

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

Or, you can make a decision to move on and find someone else if it's too hard to wait and see?

Customer:

I read the book "the magic of making up" as well as the love dare and other books and nothing in those books seems to help. Is there anything I can do to show him I am trustworthy that I haven't done/

Customer:

?

Customer:

no, he is my soulmate. I just got stupid, and messed up. There is no moving on for me, I've tried

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

Not really, actions speak a lot louder than words. Each time he allows you to see and speak with him, his is probably assessing your trustworthiness and eventually he will make a decision about whether to stay or go...

Customer:

Do you think he still has feelings for me? its so hard to tell if I even have a chance, if I should just accept my fate or keep trying

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

He must still have feelings, most men will not waste their time like this. They tend to go right out and find another, know what I mean?

Customer:

What actions do you suggest I try? he wont even come over to my apt because i shared it with the other guy, which I understand, but then he invited me over to his house, and then when I declined because he had days before said he needed more space and time, he said he seems to only want me when he wants me...decode that please

Customer:

I guess so. He's never really had a serious relationship before me, and we gave our virginity to each other. Does this play a role?

Customer:

He's just so cryptic lately. I suppose because he is afraid to divulge too much and get hurt again? how long is a reasonable time to wait for him and torture myself?

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

men are very literal. If he says one day he doesn't want you there and then invites you over, I would not decline. That would be a major ego buster for a man that is trying to trust you again. Also, if you want to show him you are serious, you could get a new apartment so he can come over and not feel all of the pain. I know that's extreme but that would show him your serious. I don't know about the virginity/first love piece. I would suggest taking it a month at a time. If in one month you have done everything you can and he is opening up a little more than wait for him another month and so on.

Customer:

how do I know if he is opening up? he seems to, then shuts down again, which I've read is typical in this situation but I just don't want to hurt him more than I already have.

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

spending more time with you, talking more like he used to with you, laughing with you, being less defensive, cryptic, etc.

Customer:

Well, the last time I went over, we slept together. Then, he cut it off the next time we spoke saying it didnt feel right. How do I make sure it doesnt happen again w/o hurting his ego?

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

I don't think you really have control over that. That is something that will have to come internally to him. If you are genuine and true, that's all you can do. Know what I mean?

Customer:

yeah. I see.

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

I hope this has helped some. I know it's really hard. I would hang in there awhile.

Customer:

Do you have any tips on how to withdraw my emotions when I talk to him? Every time we talk, I find it harder to not share what I feel...

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

That is a tough one. I would just bite your tongue, so to speak, if he isn't seeming receptive to hearing your feelings at the moment. Perhaps write in a journal or talk to a female friend or therapist to ge tthe emotions out. It probably overwhelms/angers him if he thinks he needs to take care of you around your emotions right now. Know what I mean?

Customer:

yeah, do you think thats what he means by he cant be what i need right now?

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

yes, I do.

Customer:

o ok...that makes me feel a little better

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

okay, I'm glad =) Hang in there.

Customer:

any other tips on how to conduct myself? or maybe insite on how he is feeling? i'm having a hard time understanding what he is going through..

Customer:

I mean he has made no hint as to ever wanting a relationship with me...how do i know?

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

He's hard to know without talking to him about it. I would just focus on yourself and doing the right thing and try to keep the speculating about his feelings out of it for right now. Because that will drive you crazy and your anxious energy might annoy him right now.

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

I don't think you can know. You just have to follow your feelings and if it becomes to intolerable for you to wait any longer.

Customer:

thats been the case so far. I get emotional and start crying and he runs the other way...

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

yep

Customer:

what do you think he is feeling right now? other than utterly betrayed

Customer:

maybe thats a question for a male dr/

Customer:

?

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

confusion and anger probably.

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

might be.

Customer:

hmmm you have given me a lot to ponder...

Customer:

what would you say the odds are for us coming back from this? I know its very difficult, but that it can be done, but do you as a dr think there is hope for us?

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

I've seen lots of people come back together after an affair but it usually takes years for the relationship to be healed. I hope this has helped. I have to run now and answer some other questions. Please click accept and leave me feedback if you found this helpful today. I wish you the best...

Customer:

thanks so much

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

you're welcome.

Customer:

one other thing. I was wondering if it would be a burden to ask you to maybe help out with some research about what he is going through? and maybe about what I am going through as the adulterer that i could share with him...I know I'm asking a lot..

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

that's okay... tips are always appreciated, lol!

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

http://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+gain+trust+after+cheating&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

Customer:

o i read that one.

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CS :

I would try that link, unless you already have. I don't know of any research per se

Customer:

hmm...ok well thanks for trying anyway. You were a great help and it was def. worth the money!

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 251
Experience: Over 15 years of experience as a substance abuse therapist. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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