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Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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boss crush

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Hi
My boss has crush on me.I really don't know what should I do?I am 29 y/o girl and he is 60 married guy.When I started this job he was just a serious boss but after a while he gets close to me and I really like him as my Dad (they have the same age) but a few weeks ago he kind of straight forward told me he likes me and has crush on me.After a long discussion I explained to him I don't have such a feeling but I really respect and like you like my father.
please kindly advise me?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Hello and thank you for contacting us.

I am sorry to hear about this difficult situation you are dealing with. You mentioned that you discussed with him about this two weeks ago. How has he been towards you in the last two weeks after your discussion?How is he treating you? How does he make you feel when he is around? Do you feel uncomfortable for example or not?Do you feel intimidated? Are you aware of this happening before between him and another colleague?Does anyone else know about this at work?

Looking forward to your responses

Mina
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks for your reply,he has been nice and caring.he has been trying hard to play my dad role.actually I live far from my family so I really like the way he has been trated me since last time I told him I can be your daughter and he said I try to be ur dad. Honestly I like he will be around because he is supportive and kind but sometimes Ifeeluncomfortable because of his moattention.sometimes I really feel that h e is preoccupied with me and it makes me irritated.
I like many of his characteristic since I started my job in his company so I really dut
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Well, romantic and fathering feelings don't go together. So it is possible that he is in a way trying to take advantage of your need to see him as a dad. You need to be very careful as he could not possibly change his feelings to just care and concern if he admitted that he has a crush with you. I would not want to say that he is consciously trying to take advantage of your needs. However, it is most likely that he is, even if he does not realize that. He will probably do or say anything to stay close to you and gain your trust. But at some point this will not be enough for him and this may lead to further complications between you. So I would suggest that if you feel relatively safe, psychologically and physically you can monitor his behavior and see how this develops for a while. Avoid staying late with him or going to places with him as this would possibly be perceived by him as an opportunity to express his true emotions. If however, his behavior becomes unbarring you would need to seriously think about changing jobs, as staying there could put you in a very vulnerable position.

I would also encourage you to create stronger links to your family and your father. You sound as that you really need to connect with a fathering figure and this could stem from other issues from your childhood. I would suggest that you explored your relationship with your father and understand what you need more and what leads you to transfer these feelings to other older men.

If you feel that you have some unresolved issues that affect your relationships, it may benefit you to see a Psychologist for some therapy.

I hope this helps and that you will stay safe.

All the best

Mina
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Mina,

I am so sorry not get back to you earlier.I was away and couldn't get into this site on my phone.I really agree with you about his feeling but I have a couple of questions.I just started this job 6 months ago and I am really happy with the job itself. I will become very unstable physically and financially if I want to change it soon.My contract is also for 2 years so I need to stay here at least for another year and thinking to find a new job again really makes me panic.On the other hand he told me he will control his feeling he said hurting you is the last thing I would do!!!! I completely agree he may hurt me unconsciously.He said he has crush on me and he should handle it himself!!!I also would like to know he really can control such a feeling? In the situation I have to saty here how should I treat him?

PS:One important point that I forgot to mention before: He is a very close and old friend of my relatives here.When I applied for this job I and he didn't know.After I moved here I just figure out my relatives know him and his family for more than 30 years and he said I really don't want such a complicated things happen specially in this family context!!!

Thanks for your kind considerations and sorry for delayed response

 

Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Hello again.No worry about the delay.

Well, the fact that he is friends with your relatives is a good thing as he will think twice before doing something, since you do not wish him to.

I could not possibly know how he will control his feelings but it is possible that if you keep sending him a strong message about the way you see him that would possibly stop him from fantasizing. Bear in mind that he may be misinterpreting your approach or words as deep down he would like his hope to be reinforced. So bearing this in mind, continue giving him strong and solid messages that you do not see him romantically. As I said before, I do not think that you should leave your job now but instead see how this develops. You will decide if and when it is a good time to move on and this might happen if you start feeling very uncomfortable working with him. If he continues to show you his romantic feelings then you can tell him how this makes you feel and that you will need to resign. Hopefully things will not come to this point and he will be able to control his feelings. It is possible that with your right attitude, keeping your distance and giving him clear messages, he will understand and keep his feelings for himself without putting you in a difficult position.

I hope this helps

All the best

Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience: Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
Mina and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Mina,
Hope everything is going well!According to previous issue I discussed with you I have a couple of more questions.I did all your recommendations and It turns out my boss got this message I don't have romantic feeling to him and he starts to control his feeling.However we talked to each other for some minutes at work and honestly I myself also like so much to talk to him and discuss different issues with him.
He is smart and experienced and I really feel be understood when talk to him specially when I am upset he is the only one can convince me to do some thing.I have to mentioned that I am kind of difficult girl and
unfortunately he is one of the limited persons I can rely on his ideas and advise because of many reasons.
Anyway a few weeks ago I got sick.Of course he was the first person found out I am sick.He called me bring me medicine.I was alone.upset and sick however I knew that getting close to each other makes everything complicated!This process takes a few weeks and during this time he called me everyday and did whatever he could to take care of him.
I feel that we pass the boundaries I made all these months.Now I am really confused.The only thing I know I am not going to be his girl friend but I really like him as a friend and now I even get confused about my feelings.I miss him and he psychologically occupied with me.
During all this time the only thing between us was spending time and talk to each other about different issues.There was no intimate or physical relationship.It makes us surprised because both of us get bored easily and can't talk to many people so long.
What should I do?Can we continue this kind of relationship?Is that right?I am worried to get attached to him and hurt(already happened! but gets more if takes longer)
PS:I also want to mention that I met his family and I have this feeling he has a good relationship with his wife.
please give me some advise
Thanks
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Hello again,

it is nice to hear from you again. I read your post and what I understand is that you are very confused yourself about your feelings towards him. I am afraid that you have already started to have some romantic feelings for him as you say that you are afraid that you may be hurt if you feel attached to him. So what do you think you feel about him?Is it friendly feelings and a friendly interest as you feel that you connect on some levels?Do you like his attention and his looking after? Or do you fantasize yourself kissing him or making love or living together etc? I am asking you this because if you do not clear your thoughts and feelings about him, there is no way that you can give him a clear message. He will be confused as well and this will only complicate things. I hope you understand this.

Looking forward to your thoughts.

Mina
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks for answering my post!
The only thing I am sure and not confused about is that I can't fantasize kissing him or making love with him though I want the friendly feelings and a friendly interest and his attention and his looking after.I don't exactly know about him but he also said he has the same feeling.
We just can talk to each other and this results in we like to spend more time together and like to see each other more.The point is when we see each other more we want spend more time and if something happens that we can't spend time both of us get upset.I feel he gets attached to me more than I.He wants to see me every free time or opportunity he gets and in all these months he even didn't touch my hand! Just sit and talk and time goes fast suddenly takes a couple of hours!! honestly I enjoy it. all laughing and helping and supportive comments but psychologically we are loosing our freedom.want to spend more times together and see each other!
Mina! I really don't want to loose him as a friend I don't want to loose my independency either.What should I do?can making discipline in terms of meeting each other help us for example force just spend a couple of hours meeting once a week force to commit to this schedule!
Thanks for reply
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Well, the way you describe it makes me feel that what you are saying is that you have both created a co-dependent relationship. It would be important for both of you to understand what needs of yours this relationship meets for both of you. You may have a need to have a close male friend that advises you and shows you interest and boosts your confidence and makes you feel special. Maybe you need to see a father figure in him. What are his needs in this?If he is infatuated with you, he responds to your calling and is trying at the same time to control his feelings for now as he is aware that by expressing them, he may push you away. His responsiveness and awkwardness could be putting you in a situation were you feel in control and the sense of control over someone could be intoxicating. Could this sense of control be the attractive force for you?

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that since as you say, you both have different needs from this relationship, how do you imagine this will develop in the near future?what could possibly come out of this? I have to say though that a friendly relationship does not normally elicit that strong feelings for someone as you describe. So this relationship seems to mean a lot more to you as well. On top of that you say in a way that you feel vulnerable. What is really making you feel vulnerable? what are you afraid of?
Maybe you need to put yourself on the test. Try and spend more time with his family, wife, kids and see how this makes you feel. If you just enjoy the talks then you should enjoy them the same in the presence of others. There is definitely a strong urge on your behalf (probably from both) to meet up and sustain a close relationship. Putting boundaries will most likely increase this urge as you will feel restricted without knowing why exactly. This would happen unless you actually understood more about what is drawing you to him. At the end, it will come naturally to you what form of relationship you want to have.

Does this make sense?

Mina
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks Mina,
I needed a few days to think about your comments.Actually when I spend time with him among his family I enjoy the same. The other point is he just has a 12 y/o son and he said he always wish to have more kids.Now I am thinking probably I made a mistake to interpret his feeling romantic feeling from the beginning but still not sure because this feeling is really strong even there is no sexual component in it.
Anyway I am sure about my side and he also says he never fantasize me so I am going to wait again and try to meet him more in his family gatherings.I accept your answer again and will back to you later.
Thanks for comments they are really helpful.
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.

Happy to be of help.

If you still wish to accept my previous post I believe that you need to press the " Accept" button so the payment can go through. Thank you

 

All the best!

 

Mina

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I already did that!you didn't receive any bonus?
Actually I think I made a mistake. Instead of accepting answer I pressed add bonus
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Oh yes. I just saw this. it's fine.

thank you

Mina
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Mina,
OK,I got stuck again in this weired relationship.
I began studying for a couple of important exams that I need to take in a few months. now I become hypersensitive and irritated and the most important point is I miss him a lot. What should I do? should I take a break from the work and back to my country for a while?If I stay here what is the best policy? Now I can't keep myself far from him because I need emotional support and I am alone here.I am confused!I blame myself for spending time with him.We just talk and time goes fast!but afterward I get guilt feeling about this time spending because he is married and he gives me this feeling he loves me!and now I get dependent to him!I like spending time with him and I can't.This made me frustrated.please guide me.
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Hello again,

I am sorry to hear that you feel stuck. You sound that you are under a lot of pressure at the moment.
what are these exams about and are you still at work at the moment?it sounds as you feel that you want to run away from something. what could this be? are there any particular reasons that you feel hypersensitive and irritated?you said that you are thinking to go back to your country. what would you expect to change if you went there?what country is that?(if you want to disclose). It also sounds as now you have a better idea of his feelings towards you. You said that he loves you. How has this relationship developed since we last spoke?

Mina
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks for your reply.
I am still at work but I changed to part time to have more time to study but I can't study because I become distracted.I have to take some medical board exam to be able to practice here in US.I have this option to take a break for some months from work and go to my family who lives overseas.I am escaping from this emotional dependency.I really don't know whether it is right or not ethically.Why two persons in our situation should like each other too much!!!I know there are a lot of psychological explanation for that but It's painful you like to spend time with someone but you can't.At least if I leave I won't see him and I have my family and friends around to replace some parts of this emotional needs.
I am suppressing my feeling about him for example sometimes I like to see him and speak to him but I stay away because I think it is not ethical.Is that really unethical?At this moment the only thing I know is that there is a very strong feeling between us.I do not fantasizing him he also says he doesn't either.Actually he is as old as my dad so I really can't fantasize him but I like spending time with him.I think one of the reasons is my loneliness here.I have some friends around but I can talk to him more than all of them.I am kind of difficult girl to get close to people however I am a lot of superficial friendships.Since last time we spoke he just gave me ride to home 2-3 times a week.I really don't know what this relationship is whatever it is I am afraid of get involved in it.I am worried if I continue such a friendship I 'll get hurt in future.It is my main concern.
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
I can understand that you feel quite confused and concerned about the nature of your relationship. It also sounds that you feel guilty for pursuing contact with him and you feel desperate and lonely if you don't. So you feel stuck. I think that you need to ask yourself what is it really frightening you about it. Finding ourselves attached to people can be frightening for different reasons. Is it the great need and dependence that you feel for him, especially because as you say you do not have close friendships around you?you spoke about being hurt. How do you think you may end up being hurt? are you afraid of developing romantic feelings for him? (having a dad of the same age does not necessarily mean that someone cannot have romantic feelings for this person). Is it that you feel that you may never find someone like him? or what would happen if you lost him for some reason? this is something that you need to understand.

You also seem to add a lot of pressure on yourself about whether it is ethical or not to meet with him. Again, I believe that you need to ask yourself what exactly is it that you don't feel ethical about if you feel that you are only seeing each other as friends? What could be "wrong" in your mind with carrying on seeing each other?I feel that you are being overly critical of yourself and this is not helpful for you.

If you believe that you can have a break from work and go home for a while it may be a good chance for you to gain some perspective on things. It is very likely that by going home, seeing your family, any friends or even your country may give you some of the answers you need. At least you may discover that your need for him is related e.g. to your current living circumstances or not having found another person to connect. When our lives become a routine (which happens to most people) we tend to attach to things or people that connect us with this life. If however, we distance ourselves from this routine many times we discover other sides of life.

I hope this helps.

I am sorry to hear about this problem for you but I am also happy to be able to discuss this with you. Therefore, you are not alone.

All the best

Mina
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks for guidelines.

I was thinking about all those questions.My loneliness here makes me more vulnerable.I already feel lonely. At this time, there is someone could pass beyond my borders and I feel close to him.I would love to being close to him but I concern that loosing him after a while makes me much more lonely.I have a phobia about something is not there now and perhaps it roots in my painful experience in this country as an alone student!

I usually don't feel close to people. rarely I find someone who gives me this feeling even when I was in my country.At this situation I am predisposed to get dependent and attached deeply.This kind of dependency is an extreme pressure on me when I have to finish it.I'm scared of that!

I don't think this relationship is going to romantic shape because I have a very strong guard to being romantic with a married man but it is a good point that might increase my worry about this relationship.
How can I figure out where I am and how can I handle it?

I feel that finding such a person for me is not easy but I don't think it never happens again.If I loose him I will be upset and depressed for a while then I start over the same as before.Thanks Mina it was a good one.Our psyche is resilient I usually forget it.

Sometimes I really hard on myself.For example when I miss talking to him I never call him or ask to see him,I usually wait till he wants to see me.It is a lot of pressure on me.I need a psychoanalysis about this behavior.Could you give me some clues?
Thanks for your kind considerations





Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Hi, well I agree with you on many things and I can see that you have very good insight within you. You would probably make a perfect candidate for psychoanalysis. I am not sure what country you come from. If your country is the UK I could definitely help you out with linking you with someone for the time you would spend here if you took that break. Otherwise, if you would like to find someone where you live now then you could google it and find someone locally. There are very interesting points that you are making that we could not possibly analyze through this website, such as your defenses and what led you to develop them and any difficulties you may have with attachments. And you are certainly right about feeling more vulnerable when you are away from your base. Any issues that we may have can become bigger e.g. if we tend to be withdrawn then under new circumstances we may become even more isolated.

I don't believe that you will not find someone else to connect in the future. If you understand yourself better through therapy then you may discover that you only feel safe to open up to a very limited kind of personality types and you tend to attach strongly to them as you may feel that this specific person may be the only one who can understand you. And obviously if you feel this way, the possibility of losing them can seem terrifying. This feeling may lead you to idolize a person and obviously if you give all this "power" to one person this can also be terrifying. If however you realize certain other aspects of you, then you may find it easier to form healthier attachments to more people.

I hope this helps

All the best

Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience: Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
Mina and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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