Thank you for this. I can definitely understand how you must be feeling. You feel that you have committed to this relationship and it is understandable that you expect him to fully commit to you too. You are ready to make a big change by letting go your apartment and you need to feel secure before you take this step. There are no guarantees in relationships and we do hope and work for the best usually. However, in your case it sounds that you are already displeased by something that appears to be a significant issue in your relationship. My advice would be for you to think about this decision about letting your flat before you act on it. If you decide that you need to deal with this issue with the ex and the general lack of communication you will feel much better knowing that you are still independent and can go to your flat if you wish to. When we feel "trapped" in a certain situations we do not usually use our logic to solve problems. I am not sure whether "pulling clothes" would help in this. You would probably use that as a way to show him that you mean things seriously. However, even if you had a serious discussion about it you could still give him the message without challenging the situation too much.
I would not advise you to meet the ex wife on your own, behind his back. This will only complicate things and will be considered as quite intrusive. However, you can discuss this with him and try and understand what has kept him from doing so that long. You need to remember that if there is going to be any change this needs to come from him and not forcibly by you, otherwise this will not have any effect.
I can understand what you mean about your needs to feel loved and in a caring relationship and you probably have gone through a lot being a single mum. I also like the fact though that you are not willing to compromise.
You have some serious thinking to do. I do not feel that you need to feel paranoid about it. To sum up, take all circumstances into consideration, his love for you but also the lack of communication and possibly trust issues. Try and get a deeper understanding of his past relationship and whether it is affecting him and how. Think about whether you would rather delay your moving and letting go your flat and most importantly, try to engage him in a conversation about your relationship and the benefit you could get from seeing together a couples' therapist.
These are the main things that you can do. He would need to meet you half way and take it from there.
I hope this helps
I wish you all the best