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Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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My husband has been asking for girls emails on different locations.

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My husband has been asking for girls' emails on different locations. He has flirted with them by email and hasn't told them that he's married. He has also flirted with my friend through email and has a friend network which he thinks i know nothing about. In the network he has a picture of himself.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 4 years ago.

Hello,

 

I am sorry to hear about this difficult situation. Do you have a question for us? Perhaps how to deal with this? If you gave me some more information about your thoughts and plans I could have a better idea of the problem. e.g how long have you been married, how is your relationship and how he explains this behaviors.

 

thanks

 

Mina

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
We've been together for about 8 years and married for 2 years. I don't know how to deal with this situation since I would like to work at it because we have a baby together. Our relationship is going down the hill for awhile already. He says he loves me and wouldn't be with anybody else. He is been with me at home for 10 months already taking care of our son. During this time, he has always been spending a great deal of time on Internet at night since 10 until 5 am. He has no show any interest in having sex until after I found out what he has been up to. I'd like to know what can I expect from his behaviour? Will this change? One more thing when I confronted him about it he skips the subject or says that there's nothing like "it's not a love letter" or " your friend took it the wrong way".
Expert:  Mina replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for this information and I apologise for not being available earlier in the day.

I assume that you are concerned about these actions of his. especially as he is avoiding the subject. When you say that he has been asking for girls' email in different locations what do you mean? How strong is your evidence and what how do you perceive them?In other words, what have you seen or have been told and what do you make of all this? I am asking this, since as you said there have been pre existing issues in your relationship and you have a baby. It is indeed a difficult situation for you. Have you noticed any changes in his behaviour or communication with you?

Thanks

Mina
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have read emails regarding his communication with the girls. I have found 3 emails which I found suspicious. The first email I found was about a mirrow that he bought for our home. He was thanking the girl because she helped him to choose it. I talked to him and he said that she worked there. I knew it wasn't true and checked with the store. I also kept her email address and email her. She replied and told me that he had asked for her email and it seemed like an inocent thing and that he never told her that he was married. Email #2 titled skytrain guy - a girl was writing to him saying that he had a nice smile. Email #3 he wrote it to my friend randomly saying "girl what r you up to" then my friend replied and said that she'll catch up with me or something like that then he talked about fatherhood and then he said thank you sweetie. #3 email I found it very strange his language since he doesn't behave like that with people. He has only seen my friend couple of times and help her with a song translation and that was it. He didn't tell me anything about any of the emails. I couldn't continue finding more since he took his phone from me. I did however found one more address. He is mostly at home but spends a great deal of time in the computer. Our sex life has reestablished after this incident and he hasn't been in the computer much this week. I still do not trust him . He is been my only partner and likewise from him. He still talks to me the same way as we used to cuz he tells me about his plans like the business he likes to build about his plan to move to a different country. Also, he says that he didn't want to have sex cuz I was pregnant then postpartum and bf until now. My father in law came to visit and also found out about the email issue he said that he knows that his son loves me and it was nothing what happened. I also found out that he had a russian facebook profile which he didn't tell me anything about but deleted after I talked to him. He said he only created to see his cousin's pics. I do not know what to think. I also caught him looking at a massage in Internet that was sexual and he closed the window right away and was very nervous. He said that he was looking it for me. I still haven't got anything similar and he still says that there was no naked butt when I saw it. I don't understand what really he's up to I am thinking about leaving and sometimes I want things to work out but I don't know how serious this is or if it will haunt me back in the future but with an actual cheating. I really need your help thanks
Expert:  Mina replied 4 years ago.

Hi,

 

I can definitely understand your concern and insecurity about this. From your description it sounds like he is actively flirting and is willing to show himself available by creating profiles with his picture, hiding at the same time the fact that he is married. There is a fine line between innocent flirting that can happen at e.g. the work place and the active flirting during which you "advertise" yourself. It seems that he may have somewhat crossed this line. Some of the other things that you mentioned e.g. about porn websites, may be indicating some issues with your sex life. Whether this is because of the post par tum phase (which can be very common) or because he is seeking something different I could not possible know.

 

The best thing I would suggest for you to do is to address this issue. Although you may be afraid that a possible conflict may complicate things, you need to uncover this and you both need to face it. I would therefore suggest that you had a serious talk about how this makes you feel, that you are wondering what is his motivation behind it, the insecurity that you feel because of it and about your future together. You need to be assertive but also keeping an open mind to be able to listen to his reasons without "blaming" him. You both need to understand where your relationship is going and whether you both feel that you can commit to that.

 

In many similar cases, engaging in couples' therapy may be very beneficial as you could use this space to express all your needs, feelings and thoughts without feeling threatened as you would have a professional facilitating these discussions. You could also help each other understand this better and find a common ground to work on. If there are communication issues or any sexual issues you would feel much "safer" and supported to discuss these through. So I would also suggest that after you spoke to him about this issue and how this affects you, you can discuss the idea of both of engaging with a couples' therapist.

 

I feel that you have very valid reasons of concern and you should give this issue the appropriate importance. No matter how uncomfortable this feels, you need to remove the blanket and face this, both of you.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Please feel free to share any feedback on these thoughts,

 

All the best

 

Mina

Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience: Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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Mina
Mina
Clinical Psychologist
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Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults