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Dr. Olsen
Dr. Olsen, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2336
Experience:  PsyD Psychologist
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My wife and I are going thru a tough time. We have been married

Customer Question

My wife and I are going thru a tough time. We have been married for 20 years. She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. She is open to dialogue, but isnt sure how to get back to those happier times. Of course there are circumstances that make up 2 sides to each story. Aside from that, my question is, How can I (we) best go about repairing this before it gets too far away from us?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 3 years ago.
Hello. I am sorry to hear what you've gone through. It may be a challenge for many couples to keep love and intimacy alive for many years. However, it is possible to rekindle love and intimacy. There are simple things that you can do: Express love, kindness, and care with/without words. Enjoy time together; try new activities or places together. Fill your mind with love, gratitude and appreciation. Share your feelings and thoughts assertively, honestly but kindly. If you feel stuck in communication, you may consider seeing a marriage therapist even for 1-3 months. Marriage therapist may help you to express and sort out your feelings, thoughts, needs and wants, and find ways to rebuild a relationship with your wife.

You can search a licensed psychotherapist on internet- such as the PSYCHOLOGY TODAY website. Go to (http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ppc/prof_search.php?iorb=4764) and enter your zip code and optional category of specialty such as couple/marriage. Read psychotherapists’ profile to see if he or she has the specialty and accepts your insurance, if you prefer. You may also want to create your mental image of psychotherapist that you want to work with – Male or female? Old or young? To note, many therapists offer initial consultation for free. So you can see it as an informational meeting. You can ask any question. You can also negotiate psychotherapy fee and number of sessions. Additionally,
the book “
Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy by Dr. Beck” and "
The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved by Kelly" may be helpful for you.
Please let me know if I have overlooked any or you have more questions. Warm regards,
Dr. Olsen, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2336
Experience: PsyD Psychologist
Dr. Olsen and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I appreciate your fast reaponse and accept your answer, if I may expand just a bit on my question. She says she's not sure how to get back to that "happy" time and I definitely bear much of the blame for this, but I think she's afraid to go back to that because she is not sure we can rekindle this. The blame that lies with me has been out of complacency and and not showing outward appreciation, not abuse, because I wouldnt blame any women for leaving an abusive relationship. I love her dearly and and am scared to death of losing her on any level, but dont want to smother her either. ?I guess there is no easy answer and we have to walk before we can run, but do you have any recommendations for putting some of her fear of committing to try, to rest
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 3 years ago.
Hi, It sounds like your wife is anxious about your two's current situation. Is it possible for you two to re-create happy time again instead of going back to that happy time in the past ? Is it possible for you to renew your marriage mentally? If she holds big feelings like anxiety and distrust, she may benefit from seeing a counselor on her own. She may need to express, process and work through her feelings and thoughts with a psychotherapist. All you can do may be being open to and listening to her feelings and thoughts when she wants to talk, being optimistic or having faith in your wife, and communicating your feelings honestly. Please feel free to continue discussion.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your time. I know we have to take baby steps. I believe she is at least as anxious as I. I dont know if its distrust as much as apprehension.....guys we've got to get to that bridge and cross it so to speak. Thank You

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