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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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I have an 18yr old son Andy who I had always had a pretty

Customer Question

I have an 18yr old son Andy
who I had always had a pretty good relationship with. We did many activities together hunt fish ect. When he was 14 out of the blue he said he just didn't care anymore and changed friends, started smoking cigarettes keeping crazy hours up all night sometimes not coming home at all, and we found marijuana in his room along with short straws in his cigarette packs? from this point on we never new any of his friends he kept them very isolated from us we weren't even able to ask about them. He had trouble with teachers and his boss who noticed him sporting a new attitude problem and dark clothes piercings ect, and his principal had some confrontations with him, his girlfriend cheated on him and they broke up and he ended up failing out of high school with only a couple credits left became totally belligerent we called the police who took him to a hospital where he failed a drug test and remained belligerent and they put him in a 72 hour hold and we ended up having to put him in treatment(hardest thing I have ever done) where he was thrown out of for his behavior he was caught with some kind of paraphernalia(their term) and theft of a removable computer drive from one of the counselor/teachers "worst kid they had ever seen" the only reason they didn't press charges was the relationship we had made with the counselors and they knew we were dealing with enough, he then ended up in a shelter house where he spent another 30 days. Upon returning home things were good for a short time and then back to the same behavior, he was as bad as you can imagine screaming foul language at his mother and myself and at one point I lost my temper and walked him across the kitchen by the shirt collar, not very proud of the fact that I lost my temper but you have to understand how bad it was here. It was effecting our younger children in a very negative way at one point our youngest called the police because of the fighting the policeman told Andy to leave. I ended up telling him he had to leave the house (2nd hardest thing I had ever done) he now blames "US" for absolutely everything negative that has happened and is making accusations of abuse on my wife and myself(these accusations never came up until he dated an abused girl who turns out wasn't abused she made it up) he spreads these lies to anyone who will listen even after the authorities and counselors completely cleared us of thing of this type and when questioned upon intake he answered no to the abuse question both times. he is super manipulative he was also caught trying to manipulate the counselors and turn them against each other with lies at treatment and was caught at it. There has been no abuse in this family our 2 children at home girl 16 and boy 11 are great kids there hasn't been a voice raised since Andy left. Some of the stories he has made up are shocking if people believe them, most don't because they know us but it's still disturbing having your son accuse you of such things. Andy was diagnosed with depression severe ADHD oppositional defiant disorder and also bipolar 1 with mixed he won't take any of his meds.
He is now moving in with my family who all live very close together 3 hours away from here I'm sure you can see my concern with the lies and manipulation.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated feel like I'm at wits end.
Thanks
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 4 years ago.

Bill :

Hello are you available to chat now?

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

Yes

Bill :

Sir , I am sorry to hear about this, I have read what you wrote and I can certainly understand your feelings....

Bill :

who is he going to live with- why them?

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

I think my oldest sister she kind of likes drama but has no idea what she's getting herself into

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

Her husband died recently and she has an empty house

Bill :

Oh my, is she aware of Andy's history?

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

I tried to text my son this morning and for what ever reason he is in a highly agitated state

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

Yes she has some knowledge

Bill :

So, essentially, he is still using and unwilling to take medication?

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

correct

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

We know marijuana for sure from tests but suspect other things

Bill :

and if you could wave a magic wand, what would you like me to tell you or what specific advise do you seek.

Bill :

?

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

like he said before he left...................just want things to be the way they used to be

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

We will never have a relationship with our son I fear

Bill :

At this moment in time, you are correct, however, he needs hardcore treatment in a residential treatment program and now that he is 18, unless he is acting in such a way that causes harm to himself or others it is almost impossible to make this happen.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

yes

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

I'm afraid we'll be notified that he was found dead

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

hate when the phone rings

Bill :

Of course, that would be the normal expectation however, he is a survivor, is street wise and the call is probably going come from the police that he is in jail.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

He is so paranoid anything we say to him he suspects we are out to get him

Bill :

I have worked with this type for many years and it is only when you have the leverage of the courts, that you can get something done.

Bill :

In what state do you live?

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

Minnesota he's living in Iowa somewhere not even sure exactly

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

He got a small amount charge before he left

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

marijuana

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

one of the doctors strongly suspected meth but never tested positive

Bill :

I'm sure he's tried everything by now.....

Bill :

Should he be incarcerated. DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

Tried lithium and respridone he had really good results with respridone but won't take it

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

I paid the ticket he talked me into it

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

Guilt trip

Bill :

Of course, he has been in control for many years.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

respridone was like magic made him reasonable and could see others point of view not so paranoid

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

He has controlled the house for years yes your right

Bill :

Well, that is a good thing because he is more likely to receive service for the psychiatric issue vs the drug.

Bill :

If he is psychotic.........which it sounds as though he is, when you find out where he is, you want to connect with that counties community mental health center.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

He was so bad to the human services women here they won't even help if you mention his name it's all over

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

psychotic that's scary

Bill :

There are limits but if he is mentally ill, winds up in jail, he can be committed on an involuntary basis.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

ok

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

something happened to provoke him to leave but we'll never know what it was he gave away many of his things I'm guessing to pay debts

Bill :

thats why I say, if he gets incarcerated, DONT BAIL HIM OUT as this will be the opportunity to have him evaluated and an opportunity for family to appeal to the court for involuntary commitment. He has a hx, diagnosis etc. all this will help. But he will only get better with long term treatment.

Bill :

I want you to get the best selling book by Melody Beattie, "the language of letting go"

Bill :

You and your wife need to read it because at this point you have to maintain your sanity and I can tell that you need help with this.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

If my wife and I didn't have a bullet proof relationship i think it would have ruined us

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

I'll tell her the book titles I'm sure she'll buy it

Bill :

You have to preserve your individual and family mental health. What happens to Andy, is beyond your control

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

We blame ourselves for this as I'm sure parents do

Bill :

Anything Melody Beattie has written is a good read. Check her on Amazon.Com

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

we feel helpless

Bill :

You are correct, parents always blame themselves , it is natural .........also to feel helpless but

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

and guilty for all the fighting

Bill :

sometimes in letting go, you will find that Andy will be cast into a new orbit.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

I was always here for my kids used to think I was a pretty good Dad

Bill :

and some new opportunities for him may emerge to get the treatment you cannot provide. No parent of family could,

Bill :

You have to acccept that this has nothing to do with being a good dad.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

Andy used to say I was the best dad in the whole world..............how does it come to this

Bill :

this is about an out of control mentally ill person that happens to be your son.

Bill :

The book I recommended deals with all the feelings you are talking about

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

I'll get it I'm sure it will help

Bill :

It will definably help you cope........also get her daily reflections book ,

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

How do you talk to someone if saying how are you doing starts him on a rant

Bill :

and remember you can always touch base with me here if you have additional questions.

Bill :

Answer: You can't because now it is like a foreign language.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

my sister getting involved is going to make him feel empowered he will be even worse to us I've seen it before and I feel I should warn her but don't feel like dragging andy down

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

this has been a long battle it's taken it's toll on everyone here

Bill :

You need to tell her........she may be the leverage that gets him into care in Iowa.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

I can tryk

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

try

Bill :

Forget about Andy in the sense of dragging him down. You have it backwards. He can't get well if you allow him to control

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

He'll never go back into care willingly

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

he would have to be forced

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

He thinks nothings wrong with him and we are all crazy

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

I feel horrible about making him leave the house but had to consider my other 2 children wasn't fair to them and I could see the affect it was having

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

the mental health dr at shelter house said that andy has genius IQ so I'm sure you can imagine the havoc a manipulative genius can wreak

Bill :

I think it is worth considering getting a counselor for yourself/family to deal with this

Bill :

there are so many feelings that need to be expressed and you may need some help with it.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

We had a counselor to work this out when andy was still 17 and at home but andy wouldn't attend and the counselor and I swapped fishing stories

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

he didn't seem to see a problem here but then he didn't witness how andy could turn things upside down in a heartbeat

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

Andy used to be a super nice kid, always a little hyper but very likable don't know if drug use spured this on or what but it was a drastic change oh and I didn't mention he lost about 30 pounds in a few weeks

Bill :

wow......sounds like meth to me.

Bill :

Find another counselor, if you need referral assistance, I will be happy to assist.

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

meth is rampant in our little town

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

many of andy's friends have been busted lately right after he left I look on his cell records and he hasn't talked to anyone from home since he left and I mean not anyone I find this really odd

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

is it hard to get a positive drug test for meth or not your area

Bill :

Typically it is not hard to get conclusive testing but it has to come from blood.

Bill :

At this point, I have move on but I don't want to cut you off if there is anything else that I can answer specifically???

JACUSTOMER-jnepmf1a- :

ok

Bill :

Please click accept

Bill :

and feel free to reply with further quesitons'

Expert:  Bill replied 4 years ago.
Please click accept, Thanks.
Bill
Expert:  Bill replied 4 years ago.
Hello- Just following up to ascertain if you felt the information provided was helpful at this difficult time. If So, please accept the answers or if you have additional question, please reply. Your acceptance is how I receive credit for the time and professional responses provided.
Best, Bill

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Bill
Bill
Psychotherapist, Consultant, Expert Wit.
3648 Satisfied Customers
35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's