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Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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I walked in my complexs laundry mat and caught my 11 yr old

Resolved Question:

I walked in my complex's laundry mat and caught my 11 yr old daughter on a 2o something year old asian man's lap. we have had problems with him giving my children, and other neighbor kids soda and candy. and recently, he bought my daughter some Halloween decor. She has no dad in her life, because he molested my daughter from a previous marriage when this daughter was 4 years old.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 6 years ago.

I am sorry to hear about this situation. How did your daughter react when you "cought" them? Just for my clarification, was this daughter of yours molested by your ex husband or a another daughter?

thank you

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
She immediately hopped off his lap and seemed to know she was in trouble. She said that it is because she has no dad and it is very normal for her to want to sit on her dad's lap. But I took that away from her when her dad molested her older half sister, according to her, and it is all my fault. I dont know if it's a cultural thing or what, as Ryan, the neighbor, is Asian, while we are white. I'm concerned he may have been grooming her, and the cycle is starting all over again, different predator, different daughter. She denies she has any sexual feelings for him. I reported my husband and while he got off with attempted, he still has to report to the registry. I checked for Ryan's name and came up empty.
Expert:  Mina replied 6 years ago.
I see. It is a difficult situation and I can understand how much you want to protect your daughter. You cannot be certain about her feelings towards him but obviously this is secondary as no matter how much hurt she may feel you obviously need to protect her. It was the right move for you to set boundaries. If you can, when you feel calmer, assure her that it was not her that she did something wrong as she could not possibly know how to react or feel about him. Help her understand that this behavior is inappropriate and that this man should know better than that. You need to not place any guilt on your daughter or shame. You need to be calm and loving so she does not feel ashamed and rejected. It may be difficult for your daughter now to talk to you openly and you may face her challenges for a while. However, you did the right thing.

In terms of the cultural thing you mentioned, I am sure that in all countries being physical with a child unless they are relatives is considered to be at least suspicious. The other suspicious thing here is the place that this happened. This did not happen lets say at home in front of you indicating its pure innocence. It happened in secrecy. This man is unlikely to have paternal feelings of her as the age difference is very small and he is very young.

You certainly need to act on this as you may be dealing with a classic pedophile. I would definitely encourage you to report him to the police. Report all his actions approaching your daughter (gifts, treats etc). Inform all neighbors with children or not about him so everyone is alerted and to see if he has done this with any other child. Take all careful measures to ensure that your daughter does not meet him alone. It would be best to leave the police to investigate this than act on your own. They could give you some further advice on how to protect your family.

I hope this helps. It seems that nothing serious has happened but you need to be very careful of how your daughter is protected physically and emotionally.

All the best to you and your family

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