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Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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I am 62 years of age and have significant disabilities and

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I am 62 years of age and have significant disabilities and have never married. Not too long ago, my soulmate whom I met when I was seventeen, rediscovered me by way of the internet. I want very much to marry him. My medical doctors have not been helpful in my interior debate over whether or not marriage would be too stressful. How can I tell if I am up to the challenges?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Hello and thank you for contacting us.

May I ask about the nature of your disabilities?Also do you have indications that this other person feels the same and is thinking about marriage and finally, what do you think that you would find stressful about this marriage?What would you consider the challenges to be?

If you can give me some more information I will be able to understand the situation better.

Thank you

Mina
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
<p>Dear Mina,</p><p> </p><p>You asked for more information. My major health issues are these: I have spinal damage and cervical myelopathy which has effected my balance and both arms and hands, causing me chronic pain, weakness, and imbalance so that I use a walker. In addition, my lungs are scarred from ARDS, trouble swallowing, I have a heart problem (left bundle branch block,) and kidney disease.</p><p>Bill asked me to marry him and we have been engaged for exactly two years. He lives hundreds of miles away but visits me once every three months, usually for about two weeks.</p><p>I worry about how Bill will handle my increasing decrepitude since he is healthy. I worry that I have not had a "roomate" for many years and never since I became disabled. I am afraid that I cannot sustain normal sexual relations for very much longer--I'm getting so weak. I fear that I want this to work so badly that I will marry Bill and then fail, with disasterous results to my health and both our hearts. I worry that my long term care will cost Bill his hard-earned savings. I worry that we are dwelling too much in the past, not being realistic about who we are now. Bill thinks that I worry too much and that it is too late, we already care too much to quit without a fight.</p>
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

thank you for this information. I have to say that Bill sounds like a lovely person, giving and caring.From your description Bill is aware of all your medical problems as you meet every three months. Obviously is very different to living together and practically having to accept your possible limitations in activities and generally everyday life. I feel that your concern is understandable and shows a very considerate person as well. However, if Bill is made aware of what you described here to me then it should be his decision to make. Although something tells me that Bill has already made his decision. He may be feeling that his life has no meaning for him without you and just being with you would be his dream coming through. This can be so much important that being able to e.g. travel or be very active in your life. Therefore, I would suggest that you had a serious chat with Bill about all the issues that you described above. You can discuss with him about what your level of activities is and what you think you cannot do. The good thing is that you sound very independent and you can look after yourself since you live on your own.

I understand about a certain fear that you may be feeling letting someone in your life and having to adjust again if he decides to leave. But you can not live with this fear as you are missing out on life. You seem to not take into account that feeling happy and excited can have also amazing and positive effects on our bodies as well. And I can only imagine how truly happy the two of you would be to find each other again after all these years.

So to recap, discuss with him your limitations and your fears. Discuss the possible frustration or sadness that you both may feel on certain occasions when e.g. you may have a bad day with your conditions. Discuss how much communication is important if you want this relationship to survive. Discuss how your expectations should need to be reasonable to avoid further frustration. And finally discuss how happy each of you would be to live with each other and be with each other every day.

If you and Bill agree on things, then you should not delay this any longer. You have delayed this long enough.

I hope this helps

All the best to you and I wish you a happy life

Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience: Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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