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Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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My mother has always has a need to prove herself financially.

Resolved Question:

My mother has always has a need to prove herself financially. Because of her, I have a renewable membership at a massage place (really). Would it be more awkward to cancel it or keep it?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for contacting us.

 

When you say that your mum has always needed to prove herself financially what do you mean? and how does this affect you?how does this make you feel?what would the reasons for you to cancel it and what does this feel awkward to you?

 

If you can give me some more I will have a better idea on what answer to give you.

 

Thank you

 

Mina

Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.

Apologies for a missing word. I meant " if you can give me some more information"

 

thank you

 

Mina

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
It makes me feel awkward. She handles evey decision as if she is the only one capeable of making them. While I recognize this as her problem and not mine, I DO have expensive tastes. I worry how long she can keep tending to those expensive tastes, when a less expensive alternative would do just as well.
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.

So I assume that she offered to do this for you?

 

What I understand is that she probably feels useful or appreciated by "bying" things for you (this indicating low self esteem or even possibly narcissistic traits). However, even if you acknowledge this, you probably feel like you are using her in a way?

 

I guess your mum's gesture is bothering you for some reason, possibly as you said above as it may be indicating that "she knows best". I also think that what is bothering you is that you feel like you are using this "problem" of hers? So the question for you is really, do I acknowledge her efforts and make her realize that she does not need to prove herself in this way or do I make the best of this trait of hers?

 

Taking the risk of going a bit further and making a false assumption about you and your mum, I would also wonder whether there are any thoughts in you about love or the lack of it, such as " she is buying me this gift but she does not express love to me." " So If I accept this gift it means that I am not able to express my true needs to her and I feel angry for this".

 

The decision at the end is down to you. However, I would say that you need to be very aware of the reasons you accept it. If nothing of the above is valid and this is just a gift to you with no hidden messages or strings attached then there may be no harm of receiving it as long as you offer something equivalent to her at another time. You need to remember that money can have a very symbolic use in people.

 

 

Hope that helps

 

Mina

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I guess I don't say it enough, but she says nothing makes me happy. I guess I should just let it go and be open about my desires to someone else (We've actually argued about how I felt). She's a windows now I and I don't think she should spend money on bids for attention. Call me an idealist, but I think should be loved for herself and not her money. I've spent more of her money than anyone in the family. I should earn it every once in awhile. Maybe I'm crazy and be finacially independant when she's gone. I withdraw the question.
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Ok. No problem
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience: Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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