Ask a Psychiatrist and Get Answers to Mental Health Questions ASAP
Hello and thank you for contacting us.
I am sorry to hear about your problems in your relationship.
I noticed that you used a lot the term "weakness" to describe showing your feelings to him. I would say that what you did was showing your insecurities about the future of your relationship. This is a healthy attitude and not a weakness by far. Obviously you are both in a relationship and what each person does affects somehow the other, so it is very normal to feel a certain level of insecurity since you have noticed this change. You said that his change is due to your weakness showing, that is started then. However, from your description earlier, his change started with his insecurities about you seeing someone else. His attitude is somewhat confusing and obviously this does not help you understand the problem and address it. He also mentioned that his feelings have somewhat changed towards you and his beviour has changed by not responding to your texts this often as he used to. He tells you that he realizes that things have changed between you but does not give you a clear picture so you both decide what you can try and improve on. However, he says that he does not want you to split.
All this behavior is quite confusing and very difficult to understand. No wonder you feel so insecure.
I could not possibly know what is going through his mind, but it is possible that he may be experiencing mixed feelings about this situation and the relationship and he may not know himself what he wants. This obviously can affect your behavior as well as you are not sure how to perceive his reactions and what to do.
It is very difficult at this point to predict what his reactions would be on your behavior. However, I would definitely advise you to go out and continue with your life as it was before. Going out once in a while as you used to do before, would not change things between you. If he uses this as an excuse for him to go out then the problem is not your socializing but it is obviously something deeper in the relationship. Keep in mind thought that he has the same needs to meet with friends as well.
I believe that you both need to see this change in your relationship seriously. Your communication clearly suffers at the moment and this will make it harder for both of you as times goes by.
I would definitely suggest that you both engaged in couple's therapy to start doing some exploration in your relationship and get help in identifying what is not good at the moment and what can be improved. You need a professional to facilitate these discussions so you are on a common ground. Couples usually find this experience very useful as they learn a lot about their partners and they learn new ways of communicating.
Therefore, I would suggest you to have a good chat with him about seeing a counselor together.
I hope that helps
All the best
Thanks Mina, He probably doesn't think we need to talk and we'll just get through it. In his last marriage, which lasted a long time (about 16 years, but split after 10, but went back for finance and kids sake) and after he went back he just used to go out all the time, so at least he's not started doing that with me yet! He has only been like this with me for about 8 weeks and I know its only because he's been concerned about our relationship rather than him having met someone else (because he has only been out on one night out during that time). I'm certain its because he thought I was seeing someone else. But now he says its not that at all. I think he may have opened my mobile bill at one stage and thought I'd been texting someone perhaps, but we have never discussed that - its just summising on my part.
Prior to this 8 weeks ago, he was the sort of person who would show me love all the time and would walk past me and kiss me on the lips - e.g that happened on holiday in late June and that sort of thing I stupidly took for granted and as I noticed it change, I started to panic I suppose and wanted it back again.
He has this past week, made little inroads but he doesn't seem keen on any closeness with me right now and I'm worried about that obviously. We do have a few social events planned and we are usually quite good in those situations. He has never been good at talking and certainly wouldn't dream of talking to a therapist. And shuts down when I try to talk - probably because he thinks it will end up in an argument, and he's not too good at putting his thoughts into words and I think he fears that. It ends up with me talking and him saying nothing - so its like a lecture. He got cross with me yesterday and said stop asking me if I want to split up, I don't want to split up! I was pleased about that at least. He also said 'but I think I have been making an effort' and I was pleased about that too because I had noticed the little things. But I suppose I simply need to know how can I turn myself back into the vivacious and funny person that he fell in love with, and not be an insecure shadow of that person. I know what it is that he likes (what we both like) and this isn't it! I think a softly softly, draw it out of him conversation won't work, because I've tried, so I think if I can be my original self, that will work, that is my honest gut instinct - but its difficult to get back to that when I feel shaky on the inside and worried that he might leave at some stage later on! I have never shown him weakness before - Ive always been very strong and have always made most of the decisions for us - and he's always been happy with that - and asks what I think before making any decisions - he's that type of person. I understand there are books on 'how to make your husband love you again' and I feel like I ought to read those! As I said, I have a gut feeling that to fix this I need to be that person I used to be, but its very difficult and I worry that I won't get him back to how he was even just 6 months ago!I suppose I'm looking for answers that perhaps I know myself - be strong, funny, happy go lucky etc etc and he will warm to it all over again. There must be ways to switch the love back on though, if its just the case that someone simply has had a wobble and a concern over their partner going off them - that's not grounds for splitting up in itself is it? I could understand if a Partner has discovered the other having an affair but to lose everything over suspicion alone seems a step too far - in the early days I was worried and he did his best to reassure me - and that was great and I got over it. So simply, when someone won't talk and certainly wont enter into counselling because quite clearly, of fear of explaining himself, and perhaps fear of losing the relationship completely (or fear of losing it before he's ready) and fear of privacy concerns, how does someone like me turn it around again - sexy perhaps, lively? I am trying to be cheerful and show the odd bit of loving towards him, not sure what else might work!! Thanks again.
I understand what you are saying. However, it seems very difficult for you having to always assume how he feels and why. And it would be difficult for anyone in your shoes. If he feels insecure or hurt he seems to be distancing from you and possibly by showing him more attention and devotion may disperse any of his fears. But again you can only assume and observe but not really understand his behaviour unless he opens up to you. Communication is a vital part of any relationship and you need to continue encouraging him to open up, otherwise you will both continue covering up any difficulties. You may need to consider acquiring a more subtle approach, showing him that it is safe for him to open up and that you can have your differences without this necessary having to lead to an argument. You can ask him about his family and what his experience was from being part of this family, how was the communication between his parents etc. Obviously this would need to be done in a relaxed time and place so he does not feel interrogated. Using such techniques may encourage him slowly to open up in the future.
I hope everything works out well.
All the best in your efforts