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Hello and thank you for contacting us.
I am very sorry to hear about this difficult situation. It sounds like your daughter has been seriously affected by all these illnesses, losses and the fact that she shared her room with her very ill grandmother. I would say that a lot of what she is feeling is quite understandable and normal. You also sound like a very insightful and dedicated mother, very supportive and capable of feeling empathy. I am sure that you have already helped her deal with a lot of this trauma even if you cannot see this.
However, your husband's failure to support his family through this crisis is unacceptable. Obviously each of you has suffered in your own ways and all these events have affected you in different ways and this goes for him too. However, if his way of coping is by distancing himself and taking out his anger to you and his kids for all the misfortune that he has had this is unacceptable. He should be looking at how he can support this family to survive the trauma and stick together. Instead he is showing great weakness in expecting you to deal with his anger on top of everything. No wonder why your daughter is doing the same. It is very easy for her to copy her father's attitudes to misfortune, hurting the ones next to her. You seem to be the person closer to them and thus you receive most of it. I believe that the intervention needs to start with your husband. He needs to start being there for all of you, emotionally and practically. He needs to be encouraged to learn other ways of dealing with his anger and h needs to be reminded in a nice way that he is still a key part of your family and try to boost his confidence by giving him ideas of how he can keep this family together and how important is his love and care. You also need to remind him how easy is for your daughter's to pick up his attitude and copy them.
I also believe that your daughter could benefit from seeing a Child psychologist, if these difficulties persist. However, if your husband's attitude changed it is likely that your daughter's anxiety and fears were contained and processed in the family.
I hope that helps
All the best