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Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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My daughter is 10 yrs old. In the last 3 yrs she has lost her

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My daughter is 10 yrs old. In the last 3 yrs she has lost her aunt to pancreatic cancer (she was 46 and we did not know she was sick). They spend the last weekend together before she was diagnose. Previous to that maybe 6 month I had to leave for 5 days to Canada because my mother was on her dead bed with leukemia and before that she had breast cancer. She is in remission on both cancer, thank god. Then in between all this I had back surgery. My back is still causing trouble. I also had many surgery on my breast to make sure that all my cysts are not cancerous. For the last 2 yrs we took in my husband sick mother. She was diabetic, she had ovarian cancer, major blockage in her stomach, many ulcer. She was in really bad shape. The fact that she stay in my daughter room had a scarry memory for my 10 yrs old. We saw her suffer and was in major pain where she was taking up to 30 pills a day. By the end she could not walk. We had to call the embulance because she keep on falling and passing out all the time. It scared my daughter to see all this. She past away last year. We saw a lot of suffering. Now my daughter is alway angry, she is mean to her younger sister. (She is 8 yrs old and she did not react the same way.) My 10 yrs ols is sad and keep asking why is everybody that she love is dead or is sick like I am. I need more breast surgery and she is so worry. She cannot concentrate in school and is having a very hard time. She cry a lot. She is disrespectful, talks back with major attiture. She when as far as saying that she hates her father for not being there for us and when he is home, is always yelling at them or ordering them around. I understand that is sister and mother past away within 2 yrs of each other. Its hard to digest. But the way it's going I am affraid of what is going to happen to my daughters. My 10 yrs old is going on this black road and I thing that it will only get worse. Please help me bring my family back to an happy one, because my husband is mean and angry all the time. Not in a physical way but the way he talks and treat us it's like we living with a drill sergent. He talk down on all 3 of us girls. He makes us feel like we cannot do anything right. He make us feel like we are not good enough and we don't meet is expectation. To him we don't do anything right and that we are layzy. Nothing is ever to is satisfaction. Please help me.

Hello and thank you for contacting us.

 

I am very sorry to hear about this difficult situation. It sounds like your daughter has been seriously affected by all these illnesses, losses and the fact that she shared her room with her very ill grandmother. I would say that a lot of what she is feeling is quite understandable and normal. You also sound like a very insightful and dedicated mother, very supportive and capable of feeling empathy. I am sure that you have already helped her deal with a lot of this trauma even if you cannot see this.

 

However, your husband's failure to support his family through this crisis is unacceptable. Obviously each of you has suffered in your own ways and all these events have affected you in different ways and this goes for him too. However, if his way of coping is by distancing himself and taking out his anger to you and his kids for all the misfortune that he has had this is unacceptable. He should be looking at how he can support this family to survive the trauma and stick together. Instead he is showing great weakness in expecting you to deal with his anger on top of everything. No wonder why your daughter is doing the same. It is very easy for her to copy her father's attitudes to misfortune, hurting the ones next to her. You seem to be the person closer to them and thus you receive most of it. I believe that the intervention needs to start with your husband. He needs to start being there for all of you, emotionally and practically. He needs to be encouraged to learn other ways of dealing with his anger and h needs to be reminded in a nice way that he is still a key part of your family and try to boost his confidence by giving him ideas of how he can keep this family together and how important is his love and care. You also need to remind him how easy is for your daughter's to pick up his attitude and copy them.

 

I also believe that your daughter could benefit from seeing a Child psychologist, if these difficulties persist. However, if your husband's attitude changed it is likely that your daughter's anxiety and fears were contained and processed in the family.

 

I hope that helps

 

All the best

 

Mina

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