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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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Type your question here...Our daughter is 19 years old, 5 months

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Type your question here...Our daughter is 19 years old, 5 months pregnant and moved back home. She is not working or going to school. She is not following the rules we set on curfew and helping around the house and only wants to prepare for this baby as she sees fit (doesn't want our advice) Help us set firmer boundries and set the consequence for leaving if they are not met
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.

 

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing with your daughter It sounds as if your daughter may be avoiding facing her responsibilities and consequences of her actions. She may also be trying to avoid facing her feelings and may not be able to feel them in a safe way. While you can't control what your daughter does, you can be very clear with her that you love her, you are concerned about her, and that you believe that she has needs to take responsibility for her behaviors and choices. A family meeting in which you calmly discuss specific house rules and the consequences for breaking them would be important. It is crucial that you come up with consequences that you are able to enforce since otherwise these rules will have no impact on her. If this is not effective, then family therapy could be a requirement of her continuing to reside in your home. This could give you a safe place to work on the issues that are problems. You may also want to pick your battles about what is important for you to control versus what may be allowed to be under her control. If she feels too controlled she may rebel more and/or avoid taking on responsibility for herself and the baby.

 

Remember that you can't change her, you can only work on setting appropriate limits and consequences given that she is living in your house. It is also time to begin to see her more as an adult and avoid enabling her whenever possible. Since you can't change your her, one of the things you can work on is you. Remember to take care of yourself by a focus on healthy activities such as exercise, eating healthy, hobbies, time with supportive people, etc. Above all, make sure you give your daughter and yourself unconditional love. I wish you the best with this difficult issue. Please let me know if I can help further.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for responding. We do have rules in writting an plan to meet with her again today to discuss what she has not been living up to example: curfew-calling and letting us know where she is, helping with chores around the house, giving us a list of her debts, list of supplies needed when baby arrives etc. Do we set/enforce better time limits? 1 weeks, 2 weeks and if she does not meet the expectations ask her to move out? We love her and want her to succeed, but she is not wanting to accept our advice or seek advice of other adults/counselors and follow through. She has a sense of denial that she can handle this by herself even though her actions over the past year are red flags that she is not mature enough to do so. Now there is anther life involved, the baby
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Send a reply with questions did you get it? Its been an hour
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 3 years ago.
You might make therapy non-negotiable in order for her to live in your home. You might also ask her to come up with a list of rules that she feels are reasonable and then adapt those. This might help her to feel more involved in the process. Keep in mind that she may be feeling that she is an adult now given that she is over 18 and is going to be a mother. While you may not be seeing her as an adult, the more you treat her like a child the more she may resist. Time frames for goals and expectations are very helpful. It is best if all parties can begin to work together rather than fighting, but this requires cooperation by all. Family therapy could offer an opportunity for discussing practical issues in a calm way. I hope this is helpful.
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
Lori Gephart and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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