Hello and thank you for contacting us.
I am sorry to hear about this difficult situation you are finding yourself in.
From your description I understand that you both cheated repeatedly in your marriage. This must say something for both of you. Since you did
try counseling I wonder whether you were both able to identify the reasons for this cheating and what you were looking for that you could not have in your marriage. I assume that counseling did not help the relationship. However, if you think back there may be things that you had realized about yourself.
You have been together for a long time since adolescence and these kind of relationships can be very hard to break as people have been so used to growing up and developing together. This may be contributing to your sleeping
together again although separated. It is likely that although you feel that this relationship is doomed or absurd as you say, there are still strong links between you and this can be normal. It sounds that you are experiencing a certain conflict between your rational and emotional side. However, you would need to clarify in your mind whether you would like to repeat in the future a relationship pattern that you have already both of you followed for many years or if you want to make a fresh start in your life. Starting over can be quite intimidating at times as we do not know what is out there. Some times we would rather stay in a dysfunctional relationship to avoid challenges and feeling afraid. Could this be the case for you? Also, you may need to acknowledge that you may always have certain feelings for him. After all you grew up together. However, there is a lot more than love that connects people and you need to think back and re evaluate your marriage.
Signing divorce papers can be a very painful experience and it is very common thing to doubt your decision. I am sure that your marriage had both good and bad times and this probably contributes to your confusion. After all, a divorce is considered to be experienced often as a huge loss in someone's life. It is possible that you both experience this in a similar way. However, this should not be you r only criteria to decide upon. You would need to re evaluate your marriage and your life so far. If you think that you have not been reasonably satisfied then it is time to move forward. However, you will need to make the decision for yourself. The best decision will also reflect on your children eventually.
I would also recommend that you sought counseling for yourself. You might benefit from the support in this difficult time and you could also be helped in handling this situation with your children. If you do decide to proceed with the divorce, each one of you will experience this change in different ways and you would need to be aware of your children needs and how to best deal with them with your husband. Family therapy is not uncommon in cases of divorce if the relationship between parents is good. This would help the whole family deal with the difficult emotions and thoughts about the separation.
I hoe this helps. I also hope that you will be strong and seek the support you need through this.
I wish you all the best