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Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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i began a relationship with my husband at the age of 15. at

Customer Question

i began a relationship with my husband at the age of 15. at the age of 20 we were married and then we had our 1st child at 20. We had two more in quick succession and i was miserable and just knew he had cheated on me.i had a one night stand overseas, and i told him. he went to a prostitute ( i knew about it first and agreed to save our marriage). 6 years after i slept with 2 other people briefly i told him.

he didnt tell me then but he cheated on me before we were married and despite my instinct and constantly checking with him if he had he lied repeatedly, i only found out about it 6 years ago when he finally told me, but then he got throat cancer and i took him back and cared for him. 2 years after that i left him and bought my own house but the misery of my children is breaking my heart. i am just about to sign the divorce papers and we have slept together 3 times recently after 1.5 years of being apart
neither of us has been with anyone else. i am wondering if there are any men who dont cheat, im now 41
and half of me wants to put the marriage back together half of me thinks im pathetic to even consider it that it would make me a doormat.The marriage on paper looking back at this was absurd, i would appreciate some clarity, thanks so much, ros.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Hello and thank you for contacting us.

I am sorry to hear about this difficult situation you are finding yourself in.
From your description I understand that you both cheated repeatedly in your marriage. This must say something for both of you. Since you did try counseling I wonder whether you were both able to identify the reasons for this cheating and what you were looking for that you could not have in your marriage. I assume that counseling did not help the relationship. However, if you think back there may be things that you had realized about yourself.

You have been together for a long time since adolescence and these kind of relationships can be very hard to break as people have been so used to growing up and developing together. This may be contributing to your sleeping together again although separated. It is likely that although you feel that this relationship is doomed or absurd as you say, there are still strong links between you and this can be normal. It sounds that you are experiencing a certain conflict between your rational and emotional side. However, you would need to clarify in your mind whether you would like to repeat in the future a relationship pattern that you have already both of you followed for many years or if you want to make a fresh start in your life. Starting over can be quite intimidating at times as we do not know what is out there. Some times we would rather stay in a dysfunctional relationship to avoid challenges and feeling afraid. Could this be the case for you? Also, you may need to acknowledge that you may always have certain feelings for him. After all you grew up together. However, there is a lot more than love that connects people and you need to think back and re evaluate your marriage.

Signing divorce papers can be a very painful experience and it is very common thing to doubt your decision. I am sure that your marriage had both good and bad times and this probably contributes to your confusion. After all, a divorce is considered to be experienced often as a huge loss in someone's life. It is possible that you both experience this in a similar way. However, this should not be you r only criteria to decide upon. You would need to re evaluate your marriage and your life so far. If you think that you have not been reasonably satisfied then it is time to move forward. However, you will need to make the decision for yourself. The best decision will also reflect on your children eventually.

I would also recommend that you sought counseling for yourself. You might benefit from the support in this difficult time and you could also be helped in handling this situation with your children. If you do decide to proceed with the divorce, each one of you will experience this change in different ways and you would need to be aware of your children needs and how to best deal with them with your husband. Family therapy is not uncommon in cases of divorce if the relationship between parents is good. This would help the whole family deal with the difficult emotions and thoughts about the separation.

I hoe this helps. I also hope that you will be strong and seek the support you need through this.

I wish you all the best

Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience: Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
Mina and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

thank you very much, it has made me decide that the patterns are unhealthy and that a divorce is for the best, XXXXX XXXXX is civil and the children are the main focus and

the reason (i am sure) for my conflict. i will seek further face to face councelling as it is a difficult time however i feel positive, loved and well supported

thanks again

Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
It has been my pleasure to be of some help

All the best

Mina

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