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I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing with your daughter and her husband. As difficult as it is to understand why your daughter may be with this man, unfortunately you cannot control her choices. It sounds as if he is behaving in a way that may be considered to be emotionally abusive. You may find the following website helpful to clarify about abuse: http://www.ndvh.org/get-educated/?gclid=CL-cjOXYr6MCFQpknAodkXxg6g
While you can't change his behavior, you can begin to be clear with him that you will no longer accept these behaviors. You can limit the time that you spend with him and you can set boundaries where you can in not listening and walking away when he behaves inappropriately.
Many people will use alcohol to try to "self medicate" to dull the emotional pain that they are feeling. Your daughter may be using alcohol to try to avoid dealing with these difficult issues in the marriage. You may find the following link for Alanon to be helpful in offering support for family members of those who have drinking problems: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ This may help you to examine how much alcohol may be contributing to her problems. Meetings can also be helpful to get support from others who have been in your shoes.
It sounds as if your daughter may be avoiding facing her feelings related to this very unhealthy marriage and may not be able to feel them in a safe way, so she may use alcohol to avoid them. One of the hallmarks of addiction is to deny that there is a problem and to avoid taking responsibility. While you can't control what your daughter does, you can be very clear with her that you love her, you are concerned about her, and that you believe that she (as well as her husband) has a serious problem with alcohol. Sometimes it is helpful to have multiple family members and friends get together to have an "intervention" to let her know how serious your concerns are. Addiction specialists in your area should be available to help you with an intervention if you decide to go this route.
Since you can't change your son in law, one of the things you can work on is you. Remember to take care of yourself by a focus on healthy activities such as exercise, eating healthy, hobbies, time with supportive people, etc. Above all, make sure you give your daughter and yourself unconditional love. I wish you the best with this difficult issue. Please let me know if I can help further.
Her father and I have pointed out the excessive drinking and they both get very defensive. I understand what I should do now. She knows I'm here for her and we have always been close. Also I want to print your answer but it will not print but my question did. How can I do this? I want to refer to the sites you told me about.
Thanks so much,