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Thanks for your reply. I did metion that he was also with the school Physcologist. She did not mention EMDR treatment. Perhaps it is not available here. However, she work a lot on the trauma component as she believed it that was the reason for the anger. She did work on the study as wel. It did improve slightly, but the tendency is still a decline. I must also mention that he seem to be very sensitive for rejection. He will withdraw if his abilities is not recognised and stop competing. Unfortunately it did happen in the sport at school where other boys was selected above him where he was definitively the better option. I do not know if this can contribute to the problem.
Concerning the study problem, some of the teachers in his school know about the loss of his brother, but don't seem to care. The way he is treated will directly affect his performance.
In primary school he never really had to study, although I tried to get him to study effectively by sitting down and write things out, even before his brother passed. At that time he already showed signs that it will be difficult to sit down and study effectively. It was not that big deal back then as his marks was fairly good.
Perhaps another thing to mention. When he was a baby from new born to a couple of months, he anly slept on one side of his head. So much so that his head become out of shape. He was a very strong baby and we could not get him to sleep on both sides of his head. He would find a way to wiggle himself loose. His head did aventually return to very close to the shape it should be, but the deformation was still visable for a couple of years afterwards. It did not seem to hamper his developement as he start to walk between 9 and 10 months. He never crawled. I don't know if it will help, but is perhaps worth mentioning.
My question is still, why can't he sit down and study. can it be a phisical problem. Is it a metal block? Perhaps he worry about the exame, but stil can not sit down and study. His argument is his not made for it. Why?
Yes, I did bargain with him, he has got draems, and yes he do want to study in Geological direction. ALthough we talk about it a lot and I explained the hirargy of needs and he know if he do not do something urgend he will not be able to study further. That is not enough. The fact is he can not get himself to a point to sit down and study effectively. He will read through some of the work, then believe that is enough. If he did it that for 10 minutes, he feels that he has done a lot. When I ask him to go back and study, he get upset. I have left him to see for himself the results, which was a lot of times not too good, yet still not enough motivation to get down and do the studying the way he should.
The doctors did check him out when he was still small. They said he will outgrow it as there was absolutly nothing to indicate any problems in his developement. I just wondered if that might have a negative effect on him in later years.
I do not know what to do now. Unfortunately Hipnotherapsit is far from where we stay. If there is anything I can do until he finished his final exame it will be very helpfull. Medication or what ever. If I have to take him to a hipnotherapist, I can only do it when he is finish with school after the exame.
Thanks Sarah, just to put one thing wright. I am his Dad not his Mom. She left these issues with me as she do not know how to handle it. He is normal compared to other boys his age, except perhaps that he is a lot more sensitive to critisism and, very easy, read it as rejection. He will then withdraw rather then fight back. To compare his problem with something Physical is to tel you to put your hand on a hot plate. You can put is next to the plate, but not on it. He will "study" by sitting or laying on his bed, reading through it but will not sit down and wright it out. He miss a lot of small important things that cost him points.
Just some useless information, he is a brown belt in Judo and got provincial coulers 7 years in a row, from age 8 y to 14years. (We move to another town and province.) The year after his brother passed, he nearly did not make it, but just pulled through in the trails (about 8 moths later).
I am sorry, you're right, I had assumed I was speaking with this young man's Dad and it doesn't ever do to assume. I don't know how my advice would differ though if you were his mom - maybe as his Dad, you are under pressure from his Mom to find a problem and a solution, to work out what is wrong, when maybe there is nothing. He sounds fit and healthy enough from his Judo colours, he can obviously apply himself when he wants to. A move of house and the passing of a sibling would be expected to affect a persons ability to concentrate, etc. so he has done well. I understand that he won't quite step on to the plate, even if he will walk up close to it - maybe this is just the way that he is. My daughter is an observer and won't put herself forward to be the first to do something unless she has observed someone doing it before her - it's just the way she's wired. She watches and learns, then takes it forward for herself - it's her way and her brother and sister aren't like that at all. Being sensitive to criticism and feeling rejection suggests that there is a time when he felt rejected by someone who was important to him? Was he bullied or made fun of, for example, did he put himself out one time and then get knocked back by someone's attitude towards him? These incidents can have an effect and can carry through to the daily life. But if he has always been that way, then maybe that's just how he is. I understand that he is losing points by not concentrating properly at a table, but he may be fighting back to the pressure of doing it 'right'. I don't want to dismiss your concerns, but maybe he is simply being a teenager and you are worrying for his future (as good parents do) whilst he isn't. Hope this is helpful, Sarah