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Thank you Pamela,
First I am a bit concerned at the hour at which you are working? I thought I would have a response from someone within Australia.. You must be ready for bed!
I have tried other medications and they did work wonders at first then as time went by, years, I moved on to others as I found my anxious and dark thoughts would soon return.
I believe that my thoughts become negative because I seem to attract a lot of 'drama' in my life, or perhaps create it even. Not intentionally however.
I am not someone who can't see light, or opportunity, or the humour of things, I have a warp sense of humour even in the most saddest of situations, how else do you get through? I have an open mind to many different ways of perceiving life, situations and the way people behave. So it's not that I am always sad or feeling down.
It's just that I this deep sadness that runs deep underneath it all.
When things fall in a heap ( lose a job, end a relationship, I discover more about the world and what's going on, all for profit...) I lose heart. I ponder why, why, why we as humans do what we do to each other and ourselves....
Without the love of my dog, his unconditional warmth and acceptance, I would probably prefer to just end it. But I don't want to have to do something violent to myself to achieve it. I don't want to hurt the people that love me. But my soul says it's had enough of this seemingly pretentious existance.
I have not had CBT but have read about it. And again, it's really good. for a while.....
Mid-life crisis? um I have been thinking and feeling this way for the last 40 years... so I must have just your average brain disfunction thing.
Can I on the one hand, see a beautiful world and be in such awe of nature, animals and the feeling of love and yet still be depressed because I am not able to fit in with what most people seem to do with their lives.
Because I question relentlessly, and find it difficult to just settle, does that mean I am depressed?
I recently spoke to my GP about my concerns re finding an outlet for some of my 'anger' at injustice at the workplace ( I did some carework in an agedcare facility and came across some power hunger and ego-driven nursing staff who seemed not to have the best interest of the elderly clients at heart. I witnessed some cruelty and wanted to intervene, only to be told, it's not your job. Just do what the nurses tell you and let the system continue. Needless to say my anger expressed itself verbally to someone who was my superior and I lost my job.
I get so anger at myself for not 'being able to play the game better' for not 'having the patience' to wait it out instead, as others do.
Instead I want change immediately, to stop the rough and unkind treatment of these people who have lost their voice through dementia.
BLa, bla. This is the kind of Drama I have, often.
My GP said he had no answer to where I could go. So I left his office in tears of humilitation and frustration. I felt that the answer was to shut my big mouth and get on with it like others do. And I have.
Found myself another job, I always do. But this whole week all I can think about doing is packing up my car, putting Lou (my dog) in the back and taking off. JUst driving to wherever the road takes me. I have no children or debt so there is nothing stopping me but my fear. I would like to work on organic farms for food and accommodation. Just take it one day at a time and maybe meet some really interesting people along the way....Is this a really dramatic and silly thing to want to do? Is it childish, unrealistic and an excuse? Or am I justified in thinking, the time is right, life is short and who would it harm anyway. WIth Lou, I feel safe.