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Howard
Howard, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 181
Experience:  I have worked 6 years with adolescents with behavioral issues, especially addictions.
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I was molested by my mothers father when I was 3 to 5 years

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I was molested by my mother's father when I was 3 to 5 years old. Of course he told me my mother would be mad t me and wouldn't love me anymore if I told her. It drove an invisible wedge between us all my life. When I was 40 I went to a psychiatrist because I had a very strong need to tell her...to end the fear that she would hate me. He counseled me about how I would feel if my fears were true. I felt that I couldn't live without knowing any longer. I told her and she moved across the country three months later after living in Calif. for 30 plus years and ran a successful interference between my three brothers and me. They no longer spoke to me and changed their phone numbers. That was 18 years ago. She talks to me by phone, the brothers and their wives do not. My brother that was 13 months older than me died without ever talking to me. There was much more acrimony than I am telling but my question is: was I wrong to tell her? The hatred is destroying me as I am alone now.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Howard replied 3 years ago.
Chat Conversation Started
Howard :

Hi, I'm Howard

Howard :

No, you absolutely were not wrong in telling your mother. Is your grandfather still alive?

Customer :

no he died of prostate cance some years ago...before I told her about it

Customer :

a bit more about this:

Customer :

My only child commited suicide at 14 too.I have tried more counseling but what I can afford doesn't help the years of growing up in fear or the last 18 years of being shunned.It didn't help that my mother often told me gfrowing up that she wished she only had boys. I was the only girl so the message was clear. I am 58 and a former Mensa member,retired accountant, very disabled from breaking my back at 19 and quite poor.I only have Virginia Medicaid for medical help.All my brothers and my 82 year old mother are very wealthy so that is another reason they easily shun me. How do I go on. How do I stop crying and grieving? The pain is a weight I have considered ending over the years. I even checked myself into a psych ward for a few days as suicidal when the shunning started...to no avail. Everyone has left me. I don't think I did anything wrong. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive to me and thinks psychiatry is silly so there is very little I can do.My self esteem has been terrible all my life. I was denied the education support I was promised growing up yet the boys were not. I had to work full time while doing college fulltime while managing a small apartment complex while raising my daughter alone (after an early divorce). My parents didn't attend my high school graduation, my 2 year degree ceremony, my private scholarship ceremony nor my 4 year degree ceremony but they went to the one brother that went to college's graduation ceremony as well as all 3 brother's high school graduations. I never had a hard time believing what my predatory grandfather told me.I do also somehow feel that my daughter's death was because I wasn't worthy of being loved. I failed her. I wasn't enough of a person for her to stay. I went to Dr Phil's Facebook site because I wished for him to make a miracle yet I know I will never be okay.I get up each day only because of my little dogs. I continue on because they would end up at a shelter. I realize this is a pitifully weak reason not to end my life but it's true.I remarried soon after my daughter died. That man had custody of his two young kids and I adopted them. We stayed married for 12 years but he was diagnosed as manic depressive when he began acting out. I couldn't take the emotional isolation so I left.The daughter decided to come with me. Sge lives near me and is also bipolar. She has done terrible things to me. Stealing my car and crashing it, stealing my pain medications, stealing my money and other things of a felony nature to me. What is wrong with me that I am so hated? Outsiders say I am the kindest person they know and far too forgiving of my family members. I think my mother just wants to isolate me from them so the story of her father (which reflects on her side of the family) won't be clarified. He also molested at least one other granddaughter that I know of which I told my mother about. He was caught with that granddaughter by her mother while he was molesting her (according to her) but apparently the rest of the family weren't told (according to my mother). The therapist I went to felt that my mother was 99% sure to have been molested herself and "ran away" so she didn't have to face it again.That cousin was shunned by her mother all her life and also died alone after being called a whore at 7 years old.I remember all while growing up everyone spoke of that cousin as being a bad person and a lot of trouble for her mother. I didn't know about her being molested by him until I was 26 and she just blurted it out. That was on the east coast where I was born and raised for my first 9 years. My family moved away from all the rest of the family to Calif. at that point so I no longer was close to my many cousins. I am sorry to rattle on but I am trying to put down anything that might help you see the picture from my eyes.Some of my friends want me to write a book about the effect the molestation had on my life but I just don;t think anyone would believe it. I just want the pain and frequent tears to stop.

Customer :

My general practioner had me on Effexor for the last 6 years and just recently switched me to Cymbalta. He doesn't know of all this.

Customer :

What is better: to KNOW your family didn't love you unconditionally or just to suspect it?

Customer :

That is why I ask the question about if I did the right thing.

Howard :

Again, yes, you did the right thing. I would think it would be better to know. Are you continuing counseling, and have you been honest and open in all of your counseling as it appears that you have been less than forthcoming to your physician? You have suffered more than anyone deserves and truthfully it would be in your best interest to just step out of this family, Get out meet new people, Focus your life on the here and now, right now. You have food, shelter, and water I presume. Now build on it. Start a journal tonight....I have food, water, and shelter, tomorrow I am going to........ Do this daily, you will find that your stress is reduced, and you are not focusing on all of the negative crap going on around you that you have no control over.

Customer :

Thank you for your help. I think about stepping away a lot, then realize that she is 82 and won't be here too much longer and I have no contact with my brothers anyway. I am SO tired of "prostituting" myself to my mother to try to get the love that just isn't there. I have tried to get out and meet people but I am not comfortable with new people. I tend to feel inadequate to approach people. But the journaling might help keep me focused. I will try it. I can only get short term counseling with "family counselors"...people with no real education in psychology. Medicaid is only minimally concerned with our mental health it seems. I am painfully honest in therapy but my G.P. doesn't seem to want to know my personal life and gives me very little time to talk. I live fairly rural to afford the basics and there isn't a plethora of doctors to choose from. Again, thanks for showing me a direction to take. I tend to flounder at times with indecision.

Howard, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 181
Experience: I have worked 6 years with adolescents with behavioral issues, especially addictions.
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