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Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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My husband came home last night from a christian counciling

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My husband came home last night from a christian counciling session. He went because we have problems with jealousy. He is very jealous. I have done everything that I can think of to reassure him that I am with him and only him. We have been together 12 years. He has had an emotional affair with someone at his office. He claims that he is not anymore. I can only hope he is not and move on. We have 3 children. The councler said his jealous is all in his head. What am I supposed to do at this point. He actually seemed angry that to change this jealousy problem he would have to do some work and actually had hate in his eyes towards me. I am not sure he is willing to work on the jealousy.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
Hello and thank you for contacting us.

May I ask, was this his first session? What has his experience been so far?

Thanks

Mina
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
This is not his first session. We went when we were first together before marriage, but I was pregnant. The counsilor saw him first then us together. When we went to gether she told him he was a male slut. We did not go back there. When I first started dating him he was in a sex relationship with another girl that had a boyfriend. I was unaware. When I found out I broke up with him. Time went by, they broke up and I decided to give him another chance. He started becoming very jealous of me. I thought it was becuse what he had done, and I thought he thought I would do this to him. I married him had his babies, stayed home and now he is still jealous. He recently lied about taking a girl to lunch. I decided to stay with him. Then he comes home last night with this. I did go to counciling at Kaiser and the therapist told me my husband will not change after she spoke with his therapist. Thats why we started going to chrisian coulciling. I dont think he wants to fix this. I think he likes being jealous as some sort of sucurity blanket for him. He told me that I am so beautiful and nice that he thinks guys get the wrong idea. I can not even talk to any men without
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I was not finished typring did you get that last response?

Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
yes I did. Please finish it and then I can continue

thank you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Whenever I talk to any man its a fight for 3 days. It can be at a relatives house and they have quests. If I talk to the guest of the opposite sex he gets mad. If I bump into a man at the grocery store and smile to let him know I'm okay, he said that I am letting the man know He could have me. I'm not sure how to act anymore. Being myself infuriates him. I do not feel I am flurtatious in any way. For some reason common curtosy to other people is disguest to him. I want to stay in this marriage for my childrens sake, but I do feel abused mentally.
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.
I see. I can understand what you mean by mental abuse. This is definitely no life for you as he practically wants you to live in a golden cage. His jealousy is definitely pathological and this has nothing to do with you or your behavior.

Since he has seen therapists in the past and they feel that he cannot change this may mean that he does not want to change, that he does not consider it a problem and cannot comprehend the pathology of his expectations and jealousy. It is also interesting that although he is jealous, he was the one to have an affair. I also wonder whether his jealousy is guilt in disguise. However, only a therapist could possibly work on this.

I think that the key is possibly in your hands to make him understand how unreasonable he is. You cannot live like this and should not live like this. If you need to consider your children, consider what message you give to your children about relationships if you accept this behavior. You are entitled to a healthy relationship and you need to be firm about this to your husband. If he does not feel the motivation to engage in therapy, maybe some form of ultimatum might make him realize that you suffer in this marriage. Obviously you would need to consider this carefully as you would need to be consistent and follow it through if things get to this.

At the same time, you may benefit from engaging with a therapist yourself as a means of support and guidance. You could benefit from learning more about applying certain boundaries, being more assertive and living the life you want.

I hope this helps

All the best in your efforts

Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience: Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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