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Sarah
Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience:  Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
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this is a question about Date Rape

Resolved Question:

only seeking a female opinion at this time

my gf has been date raped and she told me about it out of free will and this happend prior to me meeting her, what happend does not make much sense but then there are lots of things in life which dont, she was single at the time and spend a week with a co pro sports person him and her worked out and spend time chatting and having dinner for two weeks every day and on his last night in her town she went to his hotel to bring him something and they chatted for a hour or so
she remembers him sitting there and listening to her and then had a blank spot, she does not remember if she fell asleep or blanked out or just dont remember, but next she in on the bed with her dress up and her underwear removed and he performs oral on her, then asks her to turn over and she tells him NO but helps her to turn around and places her in a sexual position ( doggie Style )then forces him into her, she again tells him NO but he continues, she tolerates it and this goes on for a few minutes, then he pulls out and which is strange both of them talk a bit and then she goes home, but feels bad because she is a christian and does not have sexual intercouse outside of marriage, she has played around with two other guys but not intercouse, the strange thing is she went back there the next day to drive him to the airport and chatted with him all the while blaming herself ( so she tells me ) that she had sex with him, then chats on the phone with him a week later and two weeks later sees a movie where date rape is involved and then the coin falls and she realized it was date rape, now she told me this out of free will and it was prior to meeting me so the motivation for her to do so is open,
so why would she tell me if this is not true
seconed, can a person not remember who started the sex part but remembers the act
3rd why would it take her so long to understand that it is a date rape


Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 3 years ago.
Hello. Welcome to JustAnswer. I am sorry to hear what happened to your girlfriend. Perhaps she wanted to tell her story with you because that may have been bothering her inside. She wanted to vent her feelings by telling you this story. In her mind, this was "a date rape." She may have been confused about what happened to her, blamed herself for the incident and may have been in denial of this at times. If she had alcohol or some drug at that time, she may not remember what happened to her after she fell asleep. Regarding your third question, she may have been confused, in denial or ashamed of what happened to her. It happens to some women who were sexually abused by someone they knew and do not admit or disclose it because of embarrassment or PTSD symptoms. She may be anxious about remembering what happened to her for a long time, which is partly symptoms of PTSD. I hope this helps. Please let me know if I have overlooked any or have more questions.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
<p>she did blame herself for is since she is a christian but</p><p>does no not mean no...?</p><p> </p><p>and how can a female have a date rape in this position all she has to do is move her body forward and he is out of her...?</p><p>why would she tell me this if it is not true, since later she dated a guy for two years and a year later she had sex with him once, but blamed herself for beeing a bad christian and never did it again,,.....................???????????????</p><p> </p><p>this is so confusing to me but I seek and need a answere</p><p>why would it take to see a move to realize it was a date rape...?</p>
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 3 years ago.
thank you for the information. Do you think she was on alcohol at that time? Did you say she actually dated the guy afterwards?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

no she never drinks

perhaps their could have been date rape drugs

but she remembers so much ....?

 

my main question is............how can a strong fit female tolerate a date rape in a sexual position like this ( doggie Style ) it would be different if he is not top of her and holds her down, but in this position she can end it anytime, even just by turning around or moving her body forward..........

 

can you answere this for me please..?????????????????

Expert:  Sarah replied 3 years ago.
Hi Sir,

Sorry to jump in, your g/f may not have pulled away for several reasons - fear for her life, or her well-being, feeling 'frozen' through fear or trauma, thus tapping into the fright or flight impulse that we experience when we are so very afraid. It certainly sounds to me that your gf was given a date rape drug prior to this incident. This may also have altered her levels of ability to make rational decisions and get herself away from is man. Sometimes a victim may appear to 'allow' things to happen as they just want the person to hurry up and get it over with so that it will end without further violence or violation. Please don't expect your go's answers to be rational as she was in a state of turmoil at the time. You mention that she re-met this man after this incident. I wonder in my own mind whether she thought this meeting might normalize this man in he own mind, or bring her some answers in some way. It sounds like she may have been charmed by him, which can be very powerful. It is very important that your gf is understood and supported through this, so try and understand why rather than perhaps accusing her of not pulling away. Victims often feel very powerless and disorientated - for now she meds the comfort of someone who believes in her. Help her to gently explore her experience if she wishes to - she may be distressed that she 'allowed' this to happen, but make no mistake, no-one EVER asks for, or deserves, sexual abuse EVER, whether they agreed to go for coffee, or even to their bedroom. Naive, perhaps a little, but deserving, no way. If this is what this man had in his mind before the evening even started, then your gf's experience was never going to be a good one, whatever she
did. Maybe your gf needs professional help with this - there are many support groups, therapists and online help available. But please don't accuse her - she has a been through enough. Best Wishes, Sarah

Edited by Sarah on 9/25/2010 at 1:18 PM EST
Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience: Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
Sarah and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

thank you dor jumping in

and no I dont accuse her of anything it happend some years back and she if forgave that person

 

just wanted to understand why and how, she told me the story so perhaps I can shed some light on but I am lost to

 

no she was not afraid of her life at all, she even chattend with him after , they had been friends and trainging partners for weeks, but yes its strange that she drove him to the airport the next day

 

she had no fear of violance and yes she does not deserve to be blamed and I sure dont

I as a guy understand NO means NO

 

but she and I want to understand a bit more why she did not move and let it happen

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

love to go on chat with you

willing to pay more

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
can you answere this question....?
Expert:  Sarah replied 3 years ago.
Hi there, sorry to not be available, I have just picked up your messages.

The statements you are using to describe this do appear to be very 'friendly', she wasn't afraid, she spoke with him afterwards, she met up with him again. I obviously don't have the absolute answer as i haven't me your gf, but I would offer again the high probability that she had been drugged and this may have affected her cognitive function. I wonder also, because this man was a friend, whether your gf has had difficulty actually accepting the gravity of what happened to her - regardless of whether this man was a 'friend', this was a horrific attack against her will. Perhaps she is protected by her deep faith, which may suggest that everyone is good and God would forgive all? Or it is possible that at the time of the incident, your gf actually dissociated, which means that she may have been able to imagine herself outside her body, in a safe place, whilst her body was violated. Would your gf have had incidents as a child whereby she would kind of switch herself off and pretend something wasn't happening, for example, listening to her parents arguing? If this is practiced as a child, then it becomes more easy as an adult. This may seem like odd advice, but if you are interested in your life plan and your past lives (this be against your gf's religion and therefore not appropriate) you can order a Karmic report from Pam Carruthers at www.healing stars.com which will perhaps shed more light onto why and how this could have happened. I have had several charts done and also have friends who have had them done, and they are, in my opinion, very accurate. They discuss our lessons from past lives and what we are supposed to be learning in this life and beyond. They cost £15. I hope this helps, feel free to reply and ask further questions if you wish, best wishes, Sarah
Expert:  Sarah replied 3 years ago.
You are doing incredibly well to support your girlfriend through this, well done for being open and supportive. Please let me know if you have further questions. Sarah
Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience: Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
Sarah and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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