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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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Hi, Im really confused about what to do at the moment. Ive

Resolved Question:

Hi, I'm really confused about what to do at the moment. I've been in my current relationship for over fifteen years but have been unfaithful a number of times. I'm currently having a relationship with someone i work with and am finding it very difficult to make a decision as to what to do about my future and about making the wrong decision. I've been lying and feel it is all getting out of control, I've lost about a stone in weight as a result and am not sleeping very well. I seem to have this feeling that I'm trapped and need my freedom but am scared of what will happen if i actually go through with the break-up. It is something I've really been thinking about ever since I was 30.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 4 years ago.
Chat Conversation Started
Lori Gephart :

Hello, I'm happy to talk with you. I am working on your question now.

Customer :

yes please

Customer :

i've not used this service before - what happens now?

Lori Gephart :

Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.


 


I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing in your marriage. It is extremely difficult to choose between a marriage and an affair, particularly because you are comparing apples to oranges since with an affair there are no responsibilities.


 


The fact that you have had multiple affairs suggests that there are problems in your marriage that have not been addressed. Generally, affairs are not helpful as they typically only serve to complicate matters further. They are generally only a symptom of the problem. They may also be a way to try to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings and facing the problems in the marriage.


 


The healthiest decision generally is to end the affair to allow you to think clearly about the marriage. Marital therapy can often be a way to discover whether the marriage is able to be fixed or not. Either way, living with secrets can be very difficult; it can often cause feelings of guilt, shame and anxiety.


 


These affairs are telling you that something is wrong with your marriage. I encourage you to listen to this red flag and do something about it. In the meantime, be sure to take care of yourself through healthy eating, exercise, rest and reaching out to supportive people in your life. I hope this answer is helpful. Please let me know if I can clarify further.

Customer :

and if the other person feels the same way they will wait for me?

Customer :

i should have said that we aren't married - he doesn't believe in it

Lori Gephart :

Thank you for the additional information. Yes, if it is right, then it will be right after you have ended the marriage and done the grieving that is needed. Even unhealthy relationships need to be grieved. If you miss this step, and don't allow yourself some time to heal from this it could impact your next relationship.

Customer :

i see. I often feel i need time to myself so would want to find myself again as a person, I think the financial side is daunting me and is a blocker to the next step

Customer :

i feel as though i've gone along with his decisions for too long and want to be my own person again. am struggling to find the balance.

Lori Gephart :

Time alone, even if it is a bit of a struggle financially, should be well worth the effort in getting to know you again and becoming more confident in who you are.

Customer :

that is the key word i think - confidence. I really feel as though that is what i'm lacking

Customer :

would you advise breaking off the affair in person? it is someone i see most days at work

Lori Gephart :

Being hones and caring is usually the best way to go. In person is the most respectful way to address any serious issues. The more you are honest and up front with this person, the more you leave the possibility open for the future if it could work out after you have done the work you need to do on yourself. You may need to also discuss boundaries for how to interact or not interact at work in order for both of you to feel comfortable. Keep in mind also that individual therapy can be very helpful in working on confidence levels. I wish you the best with this.

Customer :

thank you for your help. I think i know deep down what i need to do.

Lori Gephart :

You are very welcome. I definitely believe in listening to your gut feelings.

Customer :

I think i'd been trying to ignore them as everyone else was telling me what was right and how wonderful he is (current partner) which makes it difficult for me to say that he isn't right for me.

Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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