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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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My husband is spending his evenings afterwork on the internet

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My husband is spending his evenings afterwork on the internet and watching porn. I've asked him to sit with me and talk about our day but it seems to pain him and he can't waite to get back to the computer. I've asked him, "what are you watching" when caught in the act and he says nothing. We've been married 15 years, no kids, lead seperate lives and I feel like we are strangers. I've told him about my feelings but he does nothing different. I try to appreciate him and give him praise. I'm not a bad wife, I cook dinner most nights and thank him for working hard to support our home. I also work and take care of the house, and since he doesn't talk until spoken to I do all the damage control. I realize that I'm not always a jewel but being ignored brings out the worst in me. I feel like our marriage is dieing and not even sure it's worth saving.

Desperate at 48
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 3 years ago.
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I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing in your marriage. This is a very difficult situation to be in, given that your husband is refusing to discuss the situation to work on it. I would also wonder if he may have an addiction to porn, or at the very least is using this to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings and addressing the issues in the marriage. It seems that you have been very invested in and doing quite a bit of emotional work in this relationship. In order for this to be a healthy relationship, we would expect your partner to do a relatively equal amount of emotional work (if you balance it out over time). This may be one way to evaluate if someone is committed to a relationship and to changing in order to make the relationship work. You deserve someone who will put the work into the relationship as well, since it takes two people to make it work. Also, I definitely believe in trusting your gut. It is often a very good indicator of red flags that should not be ignored. Feelings of love tend to be very irrational, while the gut is a good barometer of danger, both physical and emotional. I would certainly encourage you to consider marital therapy, and if he refuses, you may find individual therapy helpful to give you a place to work through your feelings about this, and consider your options. I hope this answer is helpful. Please let me know if I can clarify further.

Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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