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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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I have a question about reconnecting with an college boyfr

Resolved Question:

I have a question about reconnecting with an college boyfriend.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 4 years ago.
Chat Conversation Started
Lori Gephart :

Thank you for contacting JustAnswer. Can you clarify what your question is please?

Customer :

I have reconnected through Facebook with a guy I dated long distance in college. He told me he was separated from his wife (she moved out on his birhtday last year) and we have been emailing back for and forth for a few weeks. He has told me all about his marriage and their issues and I have been supportive, telling him he know when it's the right time to make a decision, I have never said "leave your wife." In his last email he told me he wanted to admit something to me that has bothered him all these years (we dated like 27 years ago). At the point in our relationship when we were about to sleep together, he said I don't love you and I don't want to. He now admits, that was not true and that he very much wanted to be with me but was impotent at the time and was embarrassed and hence pushed me away. And, how sorry he was that he never gave me a chance to understand. I emailed back saying thank you for the honesty. And that I was a virgin at the time and thought how ironic it was that I had rebuffed many guys who wanted to sleep with me and the one I chose to be my first had said he didnt' want to. I then went on to say that I saw something special in him back then and that that was validated by the fact that this had bothered him all these years. Now's it s been a week and he has not emailed me back.

Lori Gephart :

Thank you for clarifying. It may be that he did not email back due to shame at disclosing something that was very embarrassing for him. In any event, given that he is still not divorced from his wife, he is most likely going through the grieving process of his marriage. When a marriage ends, even if it has not been a good one, there is still a mourning that needs to occur. Keep in mind that the stages of grief include: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. It is important to keep in mind that he will need time to work through these feelings before he is ready to begin a new relationship. Getting involved with him before his divorce is over and the work of grieving is over is very risky for you. I hope this is helpful. Please let me know if I can help further.


Customer :

I know this is going to cost more than $15 and that's fine, because I want to email you his email and then my response so you can fully understand.

Customer :
You asked if I remembered Andrea and I do, I especially remember our trip to New Jersey although I thought I remembered being there twice, but maybe not. I do remember that Jimmy once gave me a ride back to West Point in his SAAB 900 (his seats were heated!) when the weather was horrible and roads almost impassible. I really liked Jimmy and hope that Andrea's dentist is as nice a guy as Jimmy was. I can't remember what Jimmy did for a living but I do remember that his condo/townhouse was very nice and I do remember the hot tub on the top deck! Glad to hear she pulled through lymphoma and is doing well.

Reminiscing of the trip to New Jersey, there is one thing that I would like to admit that has bothered me for years. You probably won't even remember this as clearly as I do, but I remember it because it was a lie, and lies that you regret tend to stick with you until you are released from them, so although writing this in an email and it isn't the same as admitting it in person, I feel compelled to explain myself. At the time and age we were in college, I remember myself being quite a jerk about commitment and caring, but I was even more of a jerk at times with you because of an affliction that has become much more open and commonplace these days in public among men, but at the time was a sign that a man was less of a man. When we were together I very much wanted to "be" with you, but I was impotent and couldn't figure out why. To absolve myself from this menace, I indirectly blamed you by saying things that I didn't mean like I did that weekend. I remember saying at one point that "I didn't love you and that is why I didn't want to..." but that wasn't true, the truth is that I was embarrassed because I couldn't and this embarrassment was so intense that it made me push you away. I know now that if I had been truthful about it you would have understood, I just never gave you the chance to show that and am sorry I didn't.

I still don't know how I truly felt but I do know that my feelings were never able to be developed because of that problem and I wanted you to know that in case you like me had any unresolved feelings or issues about that time in our lives. I'm sorry if it brings up painful memories, or any that you would rather not revisit. It is not my intent to be hurtful, I just wanted to better explain.

I have more to say at this point, but it doesn't seem to fit behind this last couple of paragraphs so I won't burden you any further just now. Thanks again for letting me write these long thought provoking emails, it helps me better deal with being alone at this time. I hope you keep coming with the questions, like I said before, I like answering them, even if some of the answers are hard to communicate.

Paul -


 


I was left speechless by the last few paragraphs of your last e-mail. Thank you for being so honest about something so personal. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough with me to talk/e-mail about something like that. It is amazing to me that we are even having this conversation nearly thirty years later.


 


Yes, I think we were in New Jersey twice at Jimmy's. I remember your Jeep being broken into one of the times..that was not good. I had forgotten about the hot tub!


 


I would never have imagined that impotence was the issue. Now, I have something to tell you, which I don't think I told you at the time. I had never slept with anyone so when you said I don't love you and I don't want to sleep with you, I couldn't help but find the irony in the situation. I think the "I don’t want to sleep with you" bothered me more than the "I don’t love you"…lol… I don't remember too much about the evening after that, except we were lying on a comforter or something because the upstairs had not been furnished yet. And, I was lying there thinking, "I've waited 19 years to sleep with someone, fended off lots of guys in high school and college, who wanted to sleep with me and the person I've chosen to be my "first" has just blown me off." I'm not sure what my feelings were for you at the time, other than I felt that we were obviously attracted to each other, because why would either of us waste our time dating someone who lived hours away and spend our time traveling to see each other. I wanted to see where our relationship could go. I think I chose you to be the "first" because I always felt that most college guys were way too immature and you had a seriousness about you that I liked. Maybe it was the military background. I do remember rationalizing why you didn't want to sleep with me by saying to myself, "he's a good Catholic boy and must be waiting until he finds the woman he wants to marry."


 


And, yes I would have understood, but I also understand why you didn't tell me. It had to be a tough a for a college guy to be dealing with something like that.


 


And to continue our honesty trend, I sensed something special in you back then. Just the fact that this has bothered you all these years, validates that. I think I just gave up because I felt that you wouldn't ever let me in. Now I know why.


 


Now, of course, you know what my follow up question is. Did you ever figure out what caused the problem and solve it? I'm assuming with a marriage and two children, it all worked out.

Lori Gephart :

Thank you for sharing your information. Can you please clarify what your question is for me. Thank you in advance.

Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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