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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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What do you think is there anything _wrong_ (morally, mentally,

Resolved Question:

What do you think: is there anything _wrong_ (morally, mentally, or otherwise) with acting on my long-standing and intense desire to have sex with a man who happens to be my father? As we are both adults, I can think of no ethical reason for not sleeping with him, but sometimes I worry about the possible ramifications of a prolonged affair with him.

I am 21 and he is in his late 40s - a beautiful, creative, attractive man. Understand that I started this – I made it known to him, very clearly, that I wanted to make love to him, that I liked the idea.   He seemed shocked at first, but only two nights later he told me it was "driving him mad" – that it was the most erotic fantasy he'd ever contemplated, and he wants to do it.

Are we both perverts? Deviants? Or just a little kinky?
.
Let me add that I have had a better-than-average education and upbringing - money, some travel, private schools; and I am currently a senior, a biology major, at a good private college. Next year I'll probably begin medical school.

He and my mother were never married, but I lived with him from age 12 onward. I know that most people cringe at the thought of father-daughter sex, but I LOVE this man, in so many ways, and his sexuality is overpowering to me. Again, though, he NEVER initiated anything sexual, he never flirted, never touched me "inappropriately" -- but I want him, I let him know it, and now he wants me, and it's going to happen.

I think. I'd say there's a 90% chance I'll make love with him soon. Maybe I'm wanting you to talk me out of it. Maybe I'm wanting you to talk me INTO it. What's wrong with two adults, making each other feel wonderful? No one else will ever know; no one gets hurt... what do you think? (He is a doctor, too, by the way, and his father was a doctor as well.)

Thanks,
Kim
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 4 years ago.
Chat Conversation Started
Lori Gephart :

Hello, I'm happy to talk with you. I am working on your question now.

Lori Gephart :

Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.


 


I understand that you are having feelings toward your father. You may be interested in reading about the Electra Complex which was described by Carl Jung. This theory posits that a girl's psychosocial development will involve a sexual attachment to her father. The love that you feel for him is understandable given the family relationship, however these feelings seem to have been transferred to a sexual nature.


 


In addition to there being social taboos and religious taboos, it is important to note that most states have laws against incest. Some of the reasons for this include the risk of inbreeding. What would happen if, despite precautions you became pregnant with your child/sibling? Other reasons for the laws and social taboos include the complications in family relationships that this can cause. Another concern is the power dynamic. A sexual relationship in which one partner is the parent gives that individual the power in the relationship, creating the potential for an unhealthy situation.


 


You may want to consider what will happen if you choose to have children later and want to have a different relationship. How might this type of relationship with your father now affect your relationship with him in the future, and the relationship between him and any of your future suitors? How would it feel to have your father/former lover walk you down the aisle to your wedding? If you consider this type of relationship reasonable, would it be ok for your father to have a sexual relationship with your daughter if you would have one? (This would not only be incest but abuse as well.)The potential for complications are many.


 


I am concerned that both you and your father are both having difficulties in setting boundaries. It may be helpful for you to consider meeting with a psychologist to explore your feelings in more depth to discover what may be contributing to these feelings. Please let me know if I can help further.


Customer :

Ah... your point about the "power dynamic" is ringing bells that had not rung before. Something is holding both of us back, though it's very difficult to hold back and becomes more difficult all the time. Maybe this is one of those things -- it's there, but I hadn't thought it through. Good point.

Customer :

Your "what if" about a child of mine and my father -- no! This isn't what we're talking about at all. My father and I are both adults. Oral sex is illegal in many states, too; but I think it goes on anyway. In one's bedroom, if nobody gets hurt, other people have no business, really.

Lori Gephart :

Thank you for your thoughts. It may be helpful for you to explore this issue of the power dynamic in more detail, perhaps with the help of a therapist, particularly since it seems to have struck a chord with you. My concern here is that I would doubt that no one would get hurt in this type of situation. The potential for emotional hurt in the long run for this type of relationship is very high. I hope this is helpful.

Customer :

When/if I have a boyfriend ... hmm. I'm not sure how my father would feel about this. We both see this thing as purely sexual -- just a really wild, kinky ka-bang - you know? Not many strings attached. If it were to gain more momentum than that, I do believe I'd worry. My father is very intelligent - I think he would see it coming, too. What a mess that could create - yes. So we'd have to be watchful of this.

Customer :

I suppose the simple answer I'm looking for - your expert opinion - is, do you believe this is perverted of us? Is it "deviant" behavior, in the "sicko" sense, or are we just extremely open-minded?

Lori Gephart :

My opinion on this is that it would be unhealthy for both of you to engage in such a relationship. The parent child relationship is special in and of itself and is not something you can find from other people. To potentially lose this relationship through adding incest to it is a huge risk to take. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best and would encourage your exploration of these feelings with a psychologist who can help you to think through this even more.

Customer :

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX

Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart
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Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.