Hi! I'm going to attempt to respond to your question. I'm new to JA but have many years' experience as a therapist. If I understand you correctly, you're saying that you are hurt about having to end a relationship with a man who was accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with a 15 yo, and that you ended it because your ex-husband said he did not want his/your children around this man so he threatened to take them away. You didn't want to lose your children so you ended it. Is that correct? I am responding on that basis, so if I misunderstand, please let me know. Since I don't know the specifics of what happened, I'm not sure of the level of this man's problems, but you should know that sex offenders often use drugs or alcohol to numb their emotions and/or suppress their conscience in order to carry out a preconceived fantasy about their actions. Also, their problems are not easily solved in therapy and they have a low success rate in therapy. It might help for you to find a support group to discuss your feelings. Al-Anon is a free group available in most communities that addresses codependency (is this man working as hard as you to change, or do you believe he has changed more than he does?). Al-Anon does not offer judgment or advice, but rather teaches you to have healthy relationships and offers support. If you feel my answer is not adequate, feel free to let me know and I will do my best to assist further. Best wishes to you.
Thanks for your answer. I guess I've been in denial. So are you saying people really can't ever change or just sex offenders never change? So basically they really wont have a life anymore. I told him I cared about him but I just couldn't do this anymore because now my reputation is ruined, I was lying to my kids, and sneaking to see him (which is not like me at all) and I would end up living my life in shame and I did nothing wrong.
It isn't that they can't change but that statistics don't show a high rate of change for them. It is up to them to decide to address their sex addiction. There are resources for them, from therapy to addiction self-help groups, but they have to want it & they often get into relationships with women who put more effort into the relationship than they do. You're correct, you shouldn't have to lie to your kids, etc., or worry about their well being around the person you are involved with.
I once had a well-known sex offender therapist in my area state that their mothers often write the checks for their therapy.
One more thing: if he isn't truly a sex offender, at the very least his choice of becoming involved with a 15 year old reflects his level of maturity. I am signing off, but if I can be of further help I will be checking back tomorrow & you can let me know. If you are satisfied with my answer, you may click "accept" if you wish.
Hi, I did not hear back from you. Please let me know if the answer was satisfactory or if I can be of further help. Thank you.