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I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing. What you are describing sounds like you may be experiencing anxiety.
You are not alone. Millions of people (an estimated 15% of the population) suffer from devastating and constant anxiety that severely affects their lives, sometimes resulting in living in highly restricted ways. These people experience panic attacks, phobias, extreme shyness, obsessive thoughts, and compulsive behaviors. The feeling of anxiety is a constant and dominating force that can seriously disrupt lives. Some people become prisoners in their own homes, unable to leave the home, work, drive, or visit the grocery store. For these people, anxiety is much more than just an occasional wave of apprehension.
Common symptoms of anxiety and panic include:
• Racing or pounding heart
• Sweaty palms
• Feelings of terror
• Chest pains/heaviness in chest
• Dizziness and lightheadedness
• Fear of dying
• Fear of going crazy
• Fear of losing control
• Feeling unable to catch breath
• Tingling hands, feet, legs, arms
Panic attacks can be very frightening. Many people end up in the emergency room due to thinking they are having a heart attack when it is really a panic attack.
One of the first things you can do to help with how you are feeling is to begin to be patient with yourself and avoid judging your feelings. Be sure to be eating healthy and regular meals. If you have little appetite, you can focus on small frequent meals including protein in each one. If the body is not being fed on a regular basis it can prevent the ability to think clearly, concentrate and make decisions. Exercise is also very helpful in improving mood. Writing can be very helpful to put things into balance - whether it is in the form of just writing whatever comes to mind, or listing the issues and small steps to work on them. Seeking support from caring people in your life can also be helpful.
Panic and anxiety generally respond well to therapy and medication. You do not have to go through this alone. Most areas have mental health treatment available on a sliding scale basis for those who do not have insurance or cannot afford therapy otherwise. You might try looking in your local yellow pages for a listing of mental health agencies that may either be able to offer affordable counseling or refer you to someone in your area who may be able to help.
I hope this answer is helpful. Please let me know if I can clarify further.
I am not sure about 'seeing" someone. Talking to people is one of my major anxieties right now and to meet someone new and then expose my failures right off, ummm, I was raised to always put my best foot forward, and I just do not know if I could expose my failures like that. And since I had quit my other job to take the preschool job, I don't know how I could pay. My husband makes a lot of money and I don't think he would like paying for the counseling. He wants to be my only confidant. It would hurt his feelings if I reached out to someone else.
I understand that it can be difficult to share such deep dark secrets. However, look what a good job you have done here. You could even cut and paste what you have written here to take to a psychologist as a starting point. Keep in mind that psychologists are not there to judge you and you would not tell them anything they have not heard before or that would shock them. Also, it is important to note that your husband, no matter how much he loves you, cannot be your therapist, even if he had a degree and license as a psychologist. This is because he is personally involved with you, so he is not able to be objective and act as a therapist. He can though be supportive and loving. Part of how he could support you is to help you to figure out a way to make therapy affordable for you. You deserve help with this so that you can get better. Spending money on therapy is an investment in yourself and in your family. Perhaps you could look at other expenditures, such as eating out, or other expenses that you might be able to cut back on temporarily in order to afford therapy. If you avoid dealing with this the problems may only get bigger, however, doing something about the problem now may allow you to get back on track and start enjoying your life again. I hope this is helpful. Please let me know if I can help further.
Some things to think about. Thanks.